less sugar...more spice

if you have to go...

2012-01-26T05:37:00.001-08:00

i m notb sure since when i blogg ..since 2007 i think (minus last year when i took my hiatus due to several circumstances in my life)..but i know i blogged more then once about the loss of relatives..not always open but in one or another way...i think i wrote about the death of someone loved about 3-5 times...well...too often

this morning i got a call from my grandmother...another one of my aunts died just last night...someone i knew all my life...every saturday my grandma and i would drive to visit her...they would eat cake and drink tea while i would play in the garden, the woods or at the river...when i was 13 her son died...of testicle cancer...he was much older then me..in my mothers age...he was always a very kind and warm heartet person...then..about 5 years ago her husband died...ach..i always liked him a lot...he was a funny and interesting charakter..had always something interesting to tell and a gift to capture your attention with every word he would say...and now my aunt died...i havent seen her in a while....and i wnated to call her about two weeks ago..but i hat my voice chord infection..and i thought...well...i didnt thought anything...i didnt knew we were in a hurry...i thought what i always think: we have time...

but..the truth is..we dont have time...no matter how young or old, healthy or sick our loved ones are....we dont have time...someone once said time is like a river..and it is..it flows..and runs...slips through between our fingers..and doesent come back...so...we dont really have time...one more reason to use it propperly...

i m really down today...and there is a lot more i want to write about..but...my head is so full...and so empty at the same time...my family..once so big and blossoming...is dying..gets smaller and smaller...

if you have someone you love....tell them as often as you can...because we dont have time even so we think we do....

Brad Paisley

sometimes its hard to be a man....

2012-01-23T15:09:00.000-08:00

..at least when you are a man who works in the field of literature...but..thats not the right beginning to this post..well..i dont know if its right anyway to write about this since its kinda..personal...which also sounds wrong..since everything i wrote ever about here was personal...actually i wnated to write about ketchup..80ies ketchup..that is....but now its a day later....i had a great day..had a small dinner party tonight and it was great..lovely friends...lots of wine and talk and laughter...and after they left i went to bed..switched my laptop on and logged in to msn to search for the one i usually talk to before i go to bed...a good friend...sometimes a partner in crime...someone i feel close to..just to end up in a uncomfortable..situation....

that person is someone really important in my life and mind...so today we spoke about my dinnerparty...then about poetry and somehow tangled up in a conversation about selfpublishing...which isnt my fav subject since..i dunno...it just isnt...but my friend had a wonderful great and contemporary idea...for a book..an idea that totally inflamed me..and made me so proud that the friend had come up with that idea..and i encouraged that said friend...and when she asked how she would pay the others who would work in it i said that she would pay them in kind..by giving them a room for their voice ...and she said that it sucks not to gte payd...which of course is true...every writer should be payd for his or her work..but reality is that a lot editors and companies pay not much or even nothing at all..thats just how it is...but we allways can choose if we accept ...and i told her that i totally would submid something to her project..for free....she answered...about how it would be easy for me (which it isnt not right now since i missed out on a lot work lately) and reminded me that...i m not a woman..and from there it just went downwards...into an argument about how i dislike and feel outnumbered by all the "woman only-calls for submission"..because i am...a thing the friend an di had talked about already so often..and we both agreed that it shouldnt be about gender but about talent bla bla bla...but not this time...and this anoys me on so many levels...1) this coming from her...2) the subject in generall...i hate to be outnumbered by my gender..especially becaus emost of my work is written for a female readership..and 3)...it annoys me beeing cross with someone who i really love lots...someone who is close to my mind and soul...and its not right...the whole thing:-(

i havent been in this kind of state for years...this kind of..i dont know..sillysadness..that kind of sadness that makes you feel both angry but also small and fragile and...unimportant...its a feeling i got from my mom a lot when i still was a teenager..and...ah maybe i shouldnt say that...but.if it feels like that ..what else should i write then?

i wish i had written about 80ies ketchup instead:-(

i just hate to be outnumbered because of my gender...it makes me sad and feel angry and neglected...as if my words and my works isnt equally worth just because i happen to have a penis...and if it takes not talent but a vagina to be writer worth beeing published in certain projects/anthologies...

cut me and you ll see...i´ll bleed...just as red as you do...

goodness me..how dramatic that sounds..i really shouldnt get caught up in arguments after i had lots of wine and limoncello...but i guess you cant choose those...

the thing is...it annoys me..like i said already several times..writing erotica is a total domane for women...go to your local bookshop...check the "naughty bookshelf" and you ll finde that its mainly books written by female writers....i was once called the most succsessfull male sex-columnist of germany...which made me cringe (if that is a word) because i guess i m not only the most successfull one..but also the only male sex-columnist in germany..as far as i know at least...and when i speak about that it always ends with: the men had THE ONLY VOICE for so long and now its time for the women bla bla bla...excuse me sister...but..thats..bullshit..i m tired of that..usually i m rather on the womens side but this is silly...there always have been famous, intellectual and important females who had a voice....ach...its so silly to rant about that...usually i wouldnt load all this on your shoulders...but unfortunatelly i dont have male writer friends who i couldnt annoy with this subject...so..i guess there is nothing more to say...aside: i really hate..to be cross with people that i love...

seriously?

2012-01-16T15:16:00.003-08:00

you might wonder what this cryptic collection of random pictures is about..but..they arent random..they actually tell the story of my monday....since a few days i have a voice chord infection..which isnt that horrible dramatic as it sounds like...BUT..i m limited to 20 sentences a day...unless i wanna harm or loose my voice ..well..you guys dont know my voice..but i do..and i like to keep it...which is a bit hard..it took me already about 50 sentences to explain my dr that i can not live on 20 sentences a day...and today when i crawled out of my cave my cousin looked and said: shut up..you already talked yesterday for 4 days...

so..i had to go out into the city today....where a random lil fat child asked me if i can breakdance....breakdance..me! do i look like if i can breakdance!! i can break your legs i growled with my almost non existend voice...what did you sayyy? the kid looked with a blank expression..what did you say? i can not heeeear you

great!

on i went.....and when i thought it couldnt get any worse...i passeda drunken, homeless man..who was wearung a santa hat...and he waved with his penis at me..like if it was a flagg....while he was peeing!

and you wonder why i dont like mondays???

2012-01-15T06:37:00.000-08:00

instead of a long apologetic (for my absence) here i am still alive post: just some good music...hope you enjoy it

erased: sorry..had to take the video off:-(

its malias version of my babe just cares for me

ps: i <3 you..but thats old news..:-)

yaye carnival of cultures....

2011-06-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

So....last year i went to carnival of cultures which was really really nice..i made hundret pictures to show them you and i...didnt...not because didnt wnat to share them with you but because its so much work to load up 1000 pictures..really..i mean..why should i keep them away from you..i actually MADE them for you.....so..today..i made another 100 pics..and decided to show them to you directly...i mean..i have like a million pictures i wnat to show you on my pic..so..why not start with the carnival of cultures from today...but..wait..lets start with..fruits...the other day a friend of mine who lives most of the time of the year in italy came to cologne...and called me ...and came from cologne to..******* and brought me ..a bowl of cherries...picked a few hours ago in italy!!! he really is a great friend..we spend a lot of time when we were younger..now we only see us once or twice a year...but we are still good friends..so...italian cherries...i was surprised that in italy the cherries are already ripe..but then i realised that its already june!

More fruits: Jo told me the other day that she paid 5!!!euro for a small box of zombies..er*..i have no idea why i wrote zombies..what i meant was strawberries..a box of strawberries...which is just insane...the 5 euro part..not that i by accident said zombies..so..before i something even weirder i ll show you my strawberries..on my balcony where the dangle ripe and ready to be devured from above..

so..on to the carnival of cultures...its so nice..you have all kinds of miedival things..knights..native americans...oriental stuff..old romans...americans who like the civil war...all kinds of things...i actually manade to load up about 90 pictures..which took me..ageeeessss so please..even if you dont look at all pics..please tell me you did!

tarzan was invited too!

cherry wine..so nice!!

oh..look..romans!

and foot massaging scots men.....

thats what happened to miss piggy!

oh this lovely lady was so shy...but she let me make a picture of her dress..,,

a dachs! ages ago my aunt had one in her garden..and he ate all the kids..errr....kats....damnit! cats i meant..he ate cats in the neighbourhood.....

seriously..its unbelievable how much love money and work those people put into their costumes and tents....

here they sold the best garlic bread ever..sooo good....

oh an dat the "sugar smith" they sold the black pest...in bags!

fullmoon

2011-05-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

ha...actually i didnt wnat to write about work for a while...BUT...i just finished a story for the book aka THE BOOK (yes the fucker still isnt finished, but almost and it needs to be done soon since i have to send it in to my publisher in 3 weeks) and i m sooo pleased with that story! actually that story was written ages ago...and i remembered it...a story about myself and an affaire i had many years ago when i still where really young...and i thought damn that story is so nice..i want it in my book...and so i searched for it my archive up and down and was totally disapointed when i found it ....i hadnt seen it in years...and i had forgotten how damn short that story is...so i sat down and thought..hmmm...maybe i do a little filling..add a word here and there...make the sexscene longer...and startet to write..and suddently i was already 3 pages in the story without actaully copying anything from the original story...so..i went on...took some things away..added a few things..even dialogue!! (ask jo, i hate to write dialogue and write entire stories without actualdialogue)...so...now the story is finished and its ten pages long..yaye..which means 20 pages for the book aka THE BOOK! which totally makes me happy...noseriously..i m full of joy about it and feel like i just gave birth to a really really pretty baby..uhm..oka ythat might sound ugly..but thats what it feels like..the whole story starts with 3 girklfriends talking about wnaderlust traveling and men they met ...it goes from berlin to spain and to ásia...it is full of discribtion of the beauty of the exotic island the last part is written on..its about human relations..as well as great and passionet sex...all enlighted by a fat full moon hoovering over the ocean and the jungle...

can you believe that i ll be done in 3 weeks? not only that i have to be done but also that i want to be done...my first (almost) real book in 14 years! good news is that i cant wait to finish it because (after i ll have done some translating for a great author/editor who i ll translate from english into german) i ll direktly start into writing my next book which will be a real real book...real real as in no short fiction but full novel...yaye!

and i know..you and me...we will never be the same again

2010-12-27T23:04:00.000-08:00

i rarely dream of songs...but when i woke up about two minutes ago i ha dthis song in mind and you can not believe how gratefull i was to finde it on youtube just to let you know...whats in my mind...

my christmas was kinda sad...right before the christmas eve i lost someone...someone i loved and liked a lot...i know i know...i promised to come to see you..and didnt came for a long time...because of so many reasons..the way so far..the work...the fear...the shame...and most of all: because there was still time...in knew i couldt get over it and come to see you tomorrow..next week..next month for sure i d make it..i d come..i d sit in your living room...i d hold your hands...the hands that brushed hair out of my forehead when i was a little boy..hands which were all old and soft now...i would look out of the window and see my own 5 year old me run down the green towards the wall at the end of the garden...there where we burried the cat and the turtle in a festive Ceremony....one of the last times we truly met you hugged me close...a rather hard thing since i m so much taller now....and you said: come over soon will you? and bring that book..the diary...and i said yes..yes i d come for sure...yes i d drink tea from your good china..yes i d bring that book you were longing to read...and i never came...i never saw the waves again....and now you are gone...with a whisper of the wind...last night i kneed in the darkness of my room...my hands fumbling through the darkness of my closet..until my fingers found the book you longed to read...the silky wrap felt cool and old against my fingers...which made me think of a funeral i went to long ago....a funeral of a friend...one of the most creative minds i ever met...found at home..dead..floating in the bathtub...i didnt knew anybody at this funeral...your funeral....i saw your parents talking to the priest..your mother shaking from tears...your friends..a group to the left...your parents hatet your friends and accused them to be responsible for your death...the didnt knew i wasnt one of them...and so your mothers eyes rested cool and cold like two little stones on me when i walked towards your coffin to reach out..but i couldnt touch it..to touch this smooth honeycolored wood would mean its real..you were dead for real....so i walked back to my place...all the eyes on me...i could hear them friends of yours whisper...they didnt knew me but knew my face from the magazine i wrote for back then...my whitened face next my high brow tongue in cheek column about all these things that were important back then..they knew that you were knowing me...and somehow i felt all wet and dirty ..for beeing there..for beeing that weird person inbetween the groups...i wrapped my fingers arround a book i had in the pocket of my coat..a small book..so tiny and thin..poetry...i had introduced you to that book years ago the way i was introduced to it myself by my uncle so long ago...walt whitmans leaves of grass...back in that summer night when we had read it..discussed it and drank this really cheap and sweet wine because back then this was what young creative people like us would drink...i remember one morning in your apartment in cologne..when i woke up early and rised from the sofa...the windows were all foggy and moist and my fingers would leave wet prints on the windows surface...there is a picture of you glued in one of my diaries..not even a real one but a photokopie..all grainy and black and white and i could stand up right now and touch the lines of your face...the face i glued inthere so long before you died...long befor ethe change came..long before the tide of your little bathtub would wash over your face and let you dissapear underneath the reflections of the waters surface....i know how i clutched? my fingers around that book while i sat there and listened to teh priests words..well..i didnt..i didnt listen at all...i sat there and looked inside myself and thought of you...and how i couldnt beolieve that you are dead already..somehow i was sure that all of this was a huge joke..your way to punish me for not answering your letters for so long...somehow i was sure that you was there..hidden somewhere and watching us...and as soon as i would believe you are dead you would jump out of your hideaway and scream: surprise....and i would feel all silly and laugh nervously and all these people..who of course werent real friends or family but actors..would laugh too just as if this wouldn have been the best joke ever...but of course that didnt happen...and when it was time to bring you outhere into the graveyard..i rose when your parents walked on by...there was a huge gap between your family and your friends who followed your coffin...and i longed so intensly for a hand to hold..the way one longs for a drink...i felt so missplaced there in this empty space between the people who were important in your life...and i barely couldnt see anything though the tears that clouded up inside me..and so i just focused on the heels of the girl that walked in front of me..i followed these heels the whole way..i didnt saw anything..i just followed her shoes and suddently i stood in front of your grave and looked down on your coffin...clumpsy i fumbled arround and took the book out of my pocket and laid it on your coffin which was half in the hole already....and i remembered how we once danced in that small cafe near the old market....how we spinned arround and how free we were and how i was all brave and hold your hand and made my arm with you stretch out in a big dramatic hollywood gesture and bowed you down until your hair almost touched the floor underneath a thousnad small garden lights...and how all the people looked at us full of admiration because we were young and careless...and becaus ethey didnt knew any better then that...they didnt knew there was darkness ahead of us...they didnt knew that you would die in your bathtub all by yourself...they didnt knew i would stand by your grave and leave a book full of fading words on your coffin...they didnt know because when one is young and beautiful and careless one seems to be immortal too ... the last time we saw each other was at a bistro in cologne...you were so sad that day...and i assured you that this will pass too..and i went away and before i walked out of the bistro i turned arround and looked at you and gave you that smile that was meant to encourage you...i dint knew back then how i would think of you now..that when ever i take a bath and the water starts to get cold..the foam starts to fade i think of you...washed away like the little mermaids body...in a flush of cold soapy waves...

i dont know why i wrote about all this...i actually wante dto write about the dream i had...last night...i have been always a very intense dreamer...beautiful and scary dreams...dreams which i turned into stories...and i just realised how symbolic that is that i turned some of them into stories and publishe dthem..that i sold my dreams in a way...but thats another subject i think..the thing is that i never was able to know that i was dreaming...when i dream i always think its real..once when i was 5 years old i dreamed that i walked through a cornfield...but instead of corn there where small field mouses/mice growing out of the weeds...small little mice with redish fur...i colected and picke dthem all ..i filled my pyjamas piockets with these small and wooly creatures and it made me so happy..and then i woke up and found myself in tears..my pyjama didnt had pockets in real...

there are a few places in my past i cant go back too...places and houses i m banned from..by shame and fear.....i cnat go back because i decided to walk away and a thing i learned very early is that its much easier to leave a room then to walk back in...and last night i dreamed i was back in one of these houses where i have been so happy when i was young...a place taht belonged to my dad after he left my mother and where i would visit him every now and then during summer...it was a old farm and many people..all arty and hippie-like lifed there...kids where there too and i hate dthem so much for having my daddy arround every day while i would be so far away...there was this huge room....its a particular room in a farmhouse but i dont know the english word...i m not sure if i know even the german word..everyone called it the tenne..a room which was important while harvesting...so every now and then they would set up huge tables there...bread would be baked...people would come..to eat and drink...connor would play his guitar...and everyone would sing and dance all night while the children would run in and out of the house..in to grab something to eat and out into the summer night again to hunt each other over the yard and to search for fireflies....last night i wa sthere..and my dad and his back then gilrfriend guided me arround the house....like i was a foreigner...the houses floor somehow were covered withnautumn leaves which made a weird sound under my feet with every step...they brought me into a room...and explained to me that every person who would visit this place would bring a piece of wood or an piece of art to poay for food and fun that night...and suddentky i knew i was dreaming...i turned arround..and suddentoly in was in the old chappel of the house..by now the dried leaves were already up till my knees...and i looked at the windows with the poainted on saints....and i suddently was holding my camera...and let it drop..because i knew with a silent stab into my heart that my pyjama has no pockets...and the moment i thought of this the world turned upside down for a moment and suddently i stood at the road again..again i was walking towards the house...with a lot of people..the all met in front of the gate (the lights in the tenne were already glowing and music was playing) and everyone would take someones hand and walk through the gate...i of course walked through it all by myself...an dthe lights fade away and i woke up....and while i woke up i dreame dof this song....you never see it it coming somehow...all of this has slipped through my hands...my hands which are so big now...so big that they can pretend that they dont need to be hold...i leave things behind so they can not leave me behind...you and me..we will never be the same again...i just got up to make tea..and outside the snow was falling again..and it was all cold outside...and somehow it is all cold inside me today too...my soul wants to wrap its arms around it self to keep it warm but it doesnet work...an di didnt made tea but poured myself a drink...and i know how it makes me look like in your eyes...that lonely silly man..morning drinking..hanging on to his dreams of far away places...but what can i do?..no one can get out of his skin...if i was smart i would run away again..but i cant..i m not..and i guess i ll stay...my pyjama has no pockets you know....and we ll never be the same again..hold me today in your thoughts...god knows i need it...no matter how strong and big these hands look like...when they say they dont need someone to hold them they lie..dont believe them...just put your hand in mine..

x-mess..

2010-12-23T02:53:00.000-08:00

i didnt thought i would made it to a post before christmas ..which ist rather christ-mess this year...you know i love christmas...the tree..the presents the warm feeling..anything actually...but this year i dont have time for anything...i m just swallowed by the work..the usual work as well as the book aka THE BOOK...which is my own fault since i actually said i will not do any regular work until the book aka THE BOOK is done...and now sinc eover a month i do both..and more..more usuall work since i started to write a series of columns for a new magazine and even wrote more magazine stuff then usually AND write the book aka THE BOOK at the same time which wasnt planned this way...i hardly have any sleep lately...i rarely leave the house...i see the food deliverer more often then anyone else....outsid ethe world has vanished...its all washed away in its whiteness..and it amke sit easier to feel like there is nothing but my writing..i m the only boy in the world right now...i m cast away on a desserted island....i cant think of anything to blog about since my life has come to a stand by modus where i do nothing but work work work...it makes me sad in a way..i cant blog..i have no time to read....i might have read 3-4 times my usuall blog friends blogs...since weeks i think: okay..lets answer the coments of the last post" but i dont find ethe time....my brain is so empty and yet overflowing..it feels empty becaus ei m so tired..i truly am...and still its so overflowing because its full with my new stories...stories of a kind i would have never thought of..i never thought in ever would write such stories...if my book aka THE BOOk was a picture it was a still-life...a old table..a huge bowl full of dark succulent fruits...dark ripe plums, purple grapes, the blackest and redest cherries, berries about crack and release their sweetest blood....i m heavy heavy heavy in love with this book...soon it will be finished and i m both happy and sad about this..to finish a book is a relief..like a stone falling from your heart...but its also a sad moment...bittersweet..it means goodbye...goodbye to the events and characters you wrote into the world..goodbye to the ghosts you had lived with for the last month..or..rather..it feels to me like i am the ghost and the book aka THE BOOK is right now the real world.....

while i work i did baked cookies the last two days...which means...both writing and making cookies...baking..and while they bake i run back to work...so..here are some pics...the last ones i ll load up before christmas ...i dont know if i can steal the ytime to come to your blog or send an email to wish you a merry christmas...because tiomorrow i ll work AND will cook AND entertain my little family...but..you know i ll think of you...you are in my heart like all of my real life friends are...right now i m lost out there in this world full of dark and velvety stories...i m also lost in the snow white world...but no matter where i am..you are the red thread that guides me back into real life...have a merry christmas all of you....
here are some of the cookies i made...uhm..cinnamon stars..

and thats the world outside...yep..i m all snowed in...

about dissapearing writers, tons of work and sexy american presidents

2010-12-13T02:28:00.000-08:00

so..when ever i m down in a pile of work at one point i get a message by a very wonderful and thoughtful person...you dessapeared! the subject of the email reads and by then i know i have neglected my blogland home for way too long...:-)

nope..i m not sick..whole germany is sick..but not me..not this time..i m all good..asid ethat i pulled a nerve in my back recently which wasnt that dramatic..just uncomfortable...and meant i had to work..in bed..laying flat..laptop on my belly..damn...that wasnt much fun..

talking about work..im just drowning in it...most of it is the book aka THE BOOK...i was meant to finish it by the end of november which i didnt made..luckily i got more time by my publisher so i m not stressed out by the deadline yet...right now i m working on the last sentences of a very "moralistic" story...about a room with a view..about desiring something far away and forgetting over it how good it is what you already got...desire burns..love hurts...havent i written that story allready a million times??? sigh*..i let the bad ones in and the good ones go...its so hard to love like you have never been hurt before....to be as happy as if you are indistructable

i also had to write a few tons of articles...had to finish my first article for the brand new mind magazin as well as several pieces for the next issue of p.o magazine about sex&buddhism (for which i interviewed neo-buddhist icon brad warner), about cougars and why young men are the new black (for which i spoke to the new york time bestseller authors susan mcbride & jane ganahl..both ladies were very smart and sharp in mind..), also wrote a review which i rarely do...about the new reese witherspoon movie how do you know?...and i also co-wrote a piece about tattoos...ell i added advice about how nto care properly for new done tattoos as well as i put out my top ten list of germany best tattooartists...which is because in another life..i did tattoos in the tattoostudio of a friend....so..oh wait..there was another article i wrote for that issue..about constance mcmillen and her case ...you who are living inthe united states for sure know about constance but her ein germany almost no one knows about it so..i wanted to change that....i also had to finish a political essay for a newspaper and some sex-education piece for a parents magazine about how to be a responsible parent and speak open, honest and succesfull with your teenager kids about sexuaity...i know..no oen wnats to think of his children as hormonal timebombs..but they are..and in time sof hiv and othe rthings you really have to help them to be able to work responsible with their own awakening
sexuality...

so..that was that...dont think i have forgotten about you...dont think i dont miss you..its just workworkwork.....

oh and i just noticed its eyecandy monday..so i turn this into political mancandy monday....and who could be more of a political mancandy then barry??? you know that i dont do anything without a reason..and my reason is the recent situation in america and how about o. b is loosing much of his power...people are loosing faith...there was a lot yes we can..and now they want all this yes we can ..right now...there was this hugeeee expecting situation...and people arent happy even so o.b. did already a lot...i dont wanna hurt any americans feeling but..your country has a mountain of problems to move...and o.b. promised change..but change needs time...so you should give that man the time he needs for proofing that he is the man he promised to be...i wanna use a line from the tv show scrubs for this:o.b. isnt a ..and he cant do all this on his own..he needs your support..you know...i also would be all in for hill dog in the white house but still...i know i know..i m in germany..but truth is that american politic affects the whole world...so it has an effect on ym world too..and i do LOVE your president..truly ..i wish we had some o.b. on our own here in germany....so..next election..think about the fact that a cross on a map is where a treassure is hidden..or to mark a special spot...make your cross special by putting it next to a special person on that map of america...

..and how could you not love a man who can dance like this??? i know you do!...love him like you have never been hurt before...let your faith be indistructable

desert rose....

2010-11-24T16:16:00.000-08:00

play me....

so...its almost 1:30 in the morning/night...but i m still awake cause the book aka THE BOOK keeps me from sleeping...again i m lost in a storyline...i listen to this song the whole time because the video matches so perfectly for the setting of my story...a palace ..in the desert...desert storms...the sands of time flow...passion...tension...a mann...and a woman who isnt what she pretends to be...visions of long gone events and times...a mase underneath the sand..a man who dont knows anymore if he can trust in what he sees and feels...the desert at night...lightning...the sand who whispers...
i m just about to line the plot out but damn i already love this story...its so intense and i try to capture my own experiences about the desert...thefirst time i went to the desert was when i was still a kid...with my mother...we made somekind of desert safari and slept in a huge beduinstyle tent and by night i heard the desert sing and move..the sand shifting from here to there..that raspy sound..i ll never forget it...years alter i wnet to the desert again...in north africa...while my friends would stay all day at the pool and the beach i went into the desert everyday...i can not tell you how it felt like...the desert does something to the human mind...it makes you think..it makes your thoughts run..i felt like i was loosing my mind in the deserts heat and its burning light...you cant hide nothing from the desert....i so hope that i can carve this story out of my mind the way i feel and "see" it...only the thought of it leaves me wanting and thirsty with dry lips...my muses kisses taste like salt tonight and she brings the smell of the desert winds in her hair...this story is by far the most intense and capturing for this book so far...

oh this book...did i mention that it is so differnet from anything i ever wrote??? the stories...the subjects...they are much darker then my usual tales...the writing style is still mine but different from my usual work...if this book was a baby it would have eyes like burning coals and hair as black and glossy as the wings of an raven....

oh..and even though i m so in love with this book..i have to admit that i already betrayed? it...as you might remember i promised i would write nothing else until this book is done...but...when i had the possibility to indulge in casual sex..i just couldnt hesitate...especially because casual sex is the subject of my new column for a brandnew lifestyle magazin called "MIND"....which is extremly cool and i simply couldnt resist from becoming their new columnist...so..thats all for tonight...evil women in the nightly desert...and new columns....i soon will tell you more about mind and my work with them..so..stay tuned

oh..and dont forget to join in my little contest which whil still run till friday before i pick a winner for another issue of p.o.-magazine

harem girls and another free issue of po-magazine

2010-11-19T05:48:00.000-08:00

today i got an email from Mwa that the magazine she won just had arrived and that she cant wait to read it cover to cover...which reminded me that just the other day the new issue of P.O-magazine has hit the news agent as well as of course me...

this time its all about exotic countries...and..harem girls...i wanted to write for quite a while about the subject of modern day harems and while i still was collecting ideas and historic bits and pieces i stumbled over Jillian Lauren who isnt just a funny and smart woman but also a bloody good writer and while i read her book i decided more and more to leave my own story behind and review her book and talk to Jillian instead..

which i did last month...in the middle of a booktour as well as finishing her next novel she took the time to talk to me about her life and expiriences...and believe me she didnt hesistate to answer all my questions:-)

and again i ll give away a free magazine..or two..or three..depending on how many i ll have...all you have to do to win is to coment right here...and tell me in a few words how you imagine life as a harem girl....or a harem boy...dont be shy..:-)

i ll run this little contest until next friday..so you have quite some time to put your name into my fedora

what a day...

2010-11-12T15:03:00.000-08:00

wow..that was a long day..i went to the netherlands to buy a frame...it rained all day long and later when i was back home and worked on "the book" i opened the curtains in the living room so could see all the gray sky above the cathedrale and the rain pouring down ..the wet streets underneath my windows...the people running along with their umbrellas....later when the rain got harder the streets where empty ..leaves blown wet and heavy through the streets...and i felt abit gray and heavy too..sleepy...in a drowning kind of way...so..also the story i wrote today was kinda dark and ..well..of cours ei cnat tell you what it is all about..just ..its a vampire story...and thats the soundtrack for my writing today which i listened to all day long...

you have no idea how much i love apocalyptica..and also gavin..so..that song of course was just perfect to put me in the mood for that story...i just searched my way through its storyline...oh you willlove it..i m sure...:-)

and after the whole day in such dark places in felt like doing something bright and nice..sometimes i do weird things..for example...ah its so hard to tell this because it might sound so silly to you...well..i walk through the city..and throw pennie son teh streets..i hold them for a while..and wish that they bring luck to the person who finds and picks the penny up..i know it sounds silly! but..so i make lucky-pennies sometimes....the whole week was so gray and wet and everyone is complaining they do feel alone and unloved and ..winterdepression..you know? smart people call it season depending unwell feeling..can actually be cured easily with a visit to the tanning salon...its light what you guys need...anyway..it was far too wet for licky pennies today..so i thought i make one of these thingies..and hang it up in the library on the messageboard...just look at it..its too hard to explain it in english..but when i came by later on..three where already missing...:-) which is a good sign i guess...it reads: i love you..never forget that someone loves you...it might sound silly..but..i guess it can give some lonely soul a bit of solace on a rainy gray day...

there is a stranger in my house...

2010-11-10T02:35:00.000-08:00

i write and publish stories and books since i was about 9..well..i published my first story in a kids magazine when i was about ten but i startet writing very early..back then there wasnt any savety..no one was afraid that something would happen to kids whos names and adresses where exposed and so it was a totally normal thing that my story " fernella the unpleaseant unicorn " was printed in a certain childrens magazine with my name and my adress under it..i, of course, was ver yproud of that story (which was really really bad..i mean..its about a unicorn with bad mood ..what can one expect from such a storyline?) and i was so delighted with it that i carried the magazine with me everywhere i mean..everywhere..to school, to the playground (well tahts a lie because i never went to a playground until i was about 16..so..but i prefer the imagination that i would have took it there as well), into the museum..i even ate and slept with it..i was lirary married to that magazine....until the day the pink-blue-orange letter with star-stickers arrived ( no joke, i still have it) from a reader of that magazine..her name is..uhm..doesent matter...sher wrote to me that my story was total crap and boring an dthat there are not such things as unpleasant unicorns and she knows everything bette rthen me becaus eshe was already a year older...of course i was crushed on the floor..under my magazine...but i learned that not everybody likes what i do..and so it kept on going..when you put yourself outhere you become a public person..you get judged and you get cricics too...you get also mail...i get tons of emails every month...nice emails from people who like me to know that the ylove my work..that it changed their thinking or even their (sex)lives like that couple who tried for years to have female ejaculation but failed until they tried it the way i discribed it in my sex-education-essay about gushing...i also get a lot mean mail..mostly anonymous...people who think i should burn in hell for the dirty dirty stuff i write...i cna deal with that..its differnet...they judge me but dont know me...i couldnt care less...

but yesterday..i came home from an apointment with a fellow writer who i met a while ago...arround half past midnight...an di wanted to check my blog befor ei go to bed..and there was this anonymous coment...the coment was about me and one of my regular visitors/comenteers/friends here...it was a bit strangly and i didnt really understood what the person wanted to tell me but it had something..i dunno..there were all kinds of warnings in it..which had a rather threatening effect on me...and it was so out here in my blog home...and it felt totally differnet from all the emails i get from readers..because this blog is..me...this blog is like an extension to my house...its like a room...like..hall..first door:kitchen..next door: bathroom..next door: bedroom: next door:BLOG....you know what i mean? i know here are many lurkers who never write (and i dont have a problem with that) but i feel safe?save? here...all people who come here..jo, ms moon, janine, craig, donna, petit fleur, may, and many many many other people feel like friends to me...talking here feels like we are in a safe/save place where we can interact...comming home to this coment felt like coming home an dfinding that someone was in my house while i was away...nothing is stolen or broken..but clearly someone ate from my plate..slept in my bed...left his/hers handprint on my door....its like in that movie with calls coming in: loook after the children..looook afte rthe children..then you call the police an dthe officer says:oh..mister santiago!! the call came from your own house!!!

that might sounds a bit exagerated but it feels like this somehow..like a drop of blood on my sheets (hm okay..well i only have black and dark pruple bed sheets so i might wouldnt notice such a drop)...or a lipstick mark along my martini glass...

it just dont feels comfortable..and thats why i reaped it here what i said in ym coments: dear anonymus..this is not the place for cryptic coments...i cnat ask you what you menat to say and that feels really uncool..so please..write me an email...tell me what you think...i didnt deleted your coment becaus ei dont care or anything but becaus ethis coment was about rathe rprivate things..i dont wnat it to sit here like a big ugly toad and everyone sees and thinks about it...so..i m sure you have my email ..feel free to drop me a line whenever you feel like...

and for you my lovely visitors-friends-readers-comenteers..tell me ...how do you feel about strangers in your house....

yay for charlotte stein

2010-11-08T06:04:00.000-08:00

so we all know charlotte stein ...what? what do you mean by you dont know charlotte stein aka the mighty viper? go and read a book and dont come back before you finished it and..wait..no no..dont go..stay right here because charlottes new book "control" is out today and even though i havent read it yet i cant wait to get my fingers on it because last year or was it this year?? ah i dont know when it was that i read her first book "things that make me give in" but it doesent matter because i read it 2 or 3 times and i clearly remember what a good and hot and sultry read that book was...short stories which combine all the good stuff which..ahem*..lets say all the good stuf okay? anyway..today comes out her new book which is her first novel length book ever and i m sure its all full of awesome written dirty perfect smut...that and ..hairy men i guess...how i know that without reading it? well...i read charlottes mancandy mondays on a regular and those mondays are always very hairy..anyway..if you need a naughty christmas present for your better half..or want ahot read for yourself you better go and get a copy of control because i m sure that book will be sold out pretty soon...here for you to enjoy a little snipped i sneaked from amazon:
When Madison Morris decides to hire an assistant to help run her naughty bookshop, she gets a lot more than she bargained for. Aggressive Andy doesn't quite make the grade, but continues to push her buttons in other areas, while uptight and utterly repressed Gabriel can't quite take Madison's training techniques. One makes her grasp control, while the other makes her lose it. But the lines are blurring and she's no longer sure who's leading and who's following. In the midst of kinky threesomes and power plays, can Madison work out what she really wants?
oh..and rumors are that charlotte runs a hot little contest on her blog so..see you there...

and we have another winner...

2010-11-07T16:33:00.000-08:00

actually it was my cousin who was meant to pic the second winner from my hat...but as it happened it was more like she was already asleep when it was time to do so..so it was jo who stepped in for her and picked a winner who will recive another hot and sexy issue of po-magazine...and the winner is...do you know it..can you guess it..the winner picked my luck-fairy-assistant jo is:MWA!

mwa..you get that copy of po-magazine...i think you have my email addy ..so..provide me with your snail mail addy and i ll send this hot magazine out to you:-)

for those of you who didnt won..you know i wish i had neough magazines to give one to each of you..but i dont..:-/ BUT..since i decided i will do that now with every issue of po which contains an article by me there will be more free smut:-) actually that will be already next week when the new issue comes out...

round round baby round round...

2010-11-06T05:06:00.000-07:00

so...the second round is running for my free give away contest for the recent issue of po-magazin....yesterdays winner was justine elyot so..who is next? i dont know yet since i ll take names in ym hat until midnight tonight...by then i ll have my two cousins over for spanish chicken, salad and cocktails and we will all be drunk and it will be my cousin nina who will blindly pic the next winners name from my fedora...

so far are following name sin my head..er*..hat..in ym head fo course too
Jo
Mwa
MS MOON
Craig Sorenson
May
Petit Fleur
Janine Ashbless

i hope i missed no one ...if i missed you just scream or email me or send me smoke signs or a post pigeon..whatever..just make me notice that i have missed your name:-)

po-magazine is a awsome adult magazine full of juicy bits and pics about erotic subjects...the right mix of articles, sex education, hot stories and sexy pictures...one copy is still left..a verxy adventerous copy becaus ethis one has been sent to our beloved kristina lloyd not only once but twice and came back!! both times..since kristina has another copy by now this one is back in the ring and cant await to get send out to its new owner...

and the winner is....

2010-11-05T15:05:00.000-07:00

so,..i took all the names in my (not) imaginary fedora and looked at my fav picture of alicia keys while picking one name without looking and the winner is ...Justine Elyot ...congrats justine..please send me your snail mail addy to desantiago at gmx dot de..so i can send you the magazine...
so that was this...BUT...since i had another! copy of po-magazine in my mail today (yes kristina..number two came back..again!) there will be another winner by tomorrow...so if you comentet already chances are that you win this copy by tomorrow..and if you didnt coment yet you can hurry up and do it now...

if you hop over to the fabolous Kristina Lloyd you can finde out a little bit more about the magazine and the interview i did with her which is includet in this issue...i had a whole lot of fun talking to kristina and asking her all kind of erotic-related things and she really was brave and didnt hesitade from answering me everything...thank you for that kristina:-)

since so many of you comentet for the magazine i m totally tricked into the idea of giving away a free copy of every po magazine i m in from now on..tell me..is that a good idea? are you up for free smut?

so back tomorrow with the next winner

..are you..too school for cool?

2010-11-04T03:28:00.000-07:00

i know i know..some people say that i m cool and funny...sometimes magazines write flattering things about me ..really flattering things:-) but truth is..when i was a kid...i was far from beeing flattered by anyone...nobody liked me..i was short, thin as a stick, introverted and i was painfully shy and actually AFRAID of other kids...that kept on going until i was like 13 or 14..until then i barely had contact to any other people my age because i really was afraid of them...i would do anything to avoid contact..run away, hide..stay inside..when i had to walk down the street and pass by someone my age..or god forbid..a group of 2-3 ...i would sweat, my heartbeat would explode and i would almost die...nobody really liked me because i was all nerdy and ..differnet..i liked other things then they liked..i read books all the time...i hated soccer...sports in general..everything that involved getting out of my clothes because i also was totally ashamed of my body....other kids tortured me..because i was ugly faced...i was simply wrong..a insult to the society of the cool kids...of course i wasnt...i was wonderful, smart, i was a beautiful creature..but they didnt know that..and i didnt know it either back then...so it doesent seem strange to anyone that i have a big soft spot for the outsiders and underdogs..i always have more love for the unloved one sthen for the popular ones...i rather buy a drink for the girl with the thick glasses then for a cheerleader...no..really....and i m not alone with that idea..someone else who sees it taht way is the wonderful pink aka alecia moore..i mean damn ..i LOVE pink...i totally would love to get drunk with her and build a pepsi/mentos bomb or anything similar silly...and not only that pink looks like a dude..a dude with lipstick that is...but she also seem to be bale to drink like an irish farmer..and makes might fine musik...especially her new song "raise your glass" which si all about the outhsiders, the underdogs and the so not popular ones..please follow me to:
RAISE YOUR GLASS and let me know what you think.... oh the video starts after a 15 second add for some garbage.:-(

oh..and i have a spare copy..i mean..is that the right word...anyway..i have a copy of the recent issue of p.o.-magazine left..inthere my article about female submission and my interview with the awesome kristina lloyd..so if you would like to have that copy ( even if you dont read german that magazine is full of pics to look at..naughty pics that is) then put your name in my hat by comenting and letting me know how you are wrong in all the right ways..

another late eye candy monday

2010-11-02T11:08:00.000-07:00

yeah yeah..i know i m late ..againnnn....but had to work through a few things ..ha dto finish my last pieces before its only the book.."the book"..aka THE BOOK...today was day one and that was all nice..i cleaned the table from all other work...i set up nice tea...a glas of martini...my thinking ball ( a weir dthingie i squish and squeeze when i have to have abreak and think about ne wturns and changes in the plot) ..some dark chocolate as well..the papers with my notes and the photocopies of the researches id did so far..i have the plost for 4 almost 5 stories already...the weather is unexpected mild these days ..i knoiw i know its global warminga nd the small roses which bloom outside are the pretty messangers of the coming apocalypse but still..i try to see the warm weather as good signs..:-)

so..here my contribution to the eyecandy monday...this time its not a picture..no..its a video...a little movie almost...i know this video for a long time and i love the song...and i totally love these two dancers..artists..who go b ythe name of scotty nguyen & tray shibata and who created the choreography and the setting all by themself and created a intimate and seductive atmosphere...so..there goes my baby..enjoy

have you seen lina tonight?

2010-10-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

the wonderful may asked me how it is to write a book..if a part of me stays always inside the book..inside the world i m creating for my books plot / storyline..and the answer is yes..yes ...after i gave up hiding from writing its like steping through a door and be somewhere else...no matter what i do now its there..no matter if i do the wash..or go shopping...meet up for drinks ...this wolrd is always ther ein my mind...their voices in the back of my head..especially the voice of my muse number one..she whispers the book title or the titles of the stories in my ear like a mantra...she tells me about all the things she did while she was away...she tells me what she has done..what she has seen...so when i m conecte dto a book its like sleepwalking inside my head..and it even pours into my real life..i do the things that my charakters do..i cook the food they would eat...i watch movies and art they would like to see..i watch at pictures of the cities they are from...i trace my fingers over things they wanna own..flirt with people they would flirt with..wear things they would wear...go to the places they would go to...doe sthat sound insane? maybe..but..a lot writers are insane in a certain way...an di always keep my eyes open to see my muse....i wonder is she in the bathroom or is she smoking a cigarette outside?...i wanan buy a drink for her and wonder if she wants a piece of lime...

late night eyecandy.....

2010-10-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

ha..i m late again..like always...but this time i have a
good excuse..well..as good as every other excuse for beeing late i guess...
i ve been busy all day with getting over my book fear...or better say...pre-book-fear..that the kind of fear you feel before you..well I..start to write a book..the idea of beeing unable to write it or to finish it or the fear of having a writers bloc right in that time...well..that tortured me a bit during the last two months because there is a book i have to..i almost said finished!! which would be totally good..if there is something to finish..its actually that i have to write it and get it in until december..hhahahahah....december!!! but somehow it just happened today that i got over it and suddently i think about the stories..i think about plots...old characters and new ones as well...i found a beautiful totle for the book and also started to write the first story in my head...

the whole book will be...erotica of course...but with a dark twist...like small written film noirs and dedicted to a rather female then male audience/readership...you know..that kind of stories with a lot of passion...but also an air of danger arround it...it bit exotic as well...it will be great...my muse kissed me tonight and i hear my favorites charakter coming back...she ll be arround..in my mind..she leave lipstick marks on cup...shoes on the floor...she plays her songs inside me so i can meet here again somewhere in the dark...

so...and since noir and vintage go along so well i ll give you a vintage eye candy again...its so simple yet so pretty..i just love it...its both seductive but also..innocent in a way..or is it just me who sees that?

Purple is the color of compassion today...

2010-10-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Christina Aguilera

for this post i pick up a subject that has been in the media a lot lately...teenager suicides...gay teenager that is in this case...i guess its hard to be a gay teenager..i guess its hard to be a teenager anyway...its such a sensitive and vulnerable time...and getting bullied by your fellow students dosent make it easier...

now after several teenagers killed themselfes because they were bullied for their sexuality there is a lot going on...for a much better written explanation pleaso go and visit the all time amazing janine ashbless at : http://janineashbless.blogspot.com

they do say it gets better...and the truth is..no matter what it is that you carry arround..if its your own sexuality like in this case...if it is fear, low selfesteem, eating disorders, drugs or any other things that make you feel like you cant go on...it all gets better...you just really have to sit through it..which of course is hard..but possible...sit trough it..grow stronger...dont let them bring you down today..because it will be better ..maybe not tomorrow..but soon

here are some helpfull links for gay or lesbian teenager in the states:
http://www.homelessyouthservices.org/sylviasplace.html
http://www.hmi.org/Page.aspx?pid=214

women are pigs

2010-10-19T05:10:00.000-07:00

did you ever asked yourself how it feels like for a boy???? its hard..i swear it really is...all the women who just use you..the girls with their one track mind...those female players for whom you are just a nice piece of meat...

hahhaa...what a perfect world that would be...from the equal rights point of view...:-)

this video really made my day..which is awsome since a video send by jo made my night..two outstanding ( i try to avoid the word awsome since yesterday..as well as stop writing awesome) within not even 24 hours...i hadnt have that in agessss...

... a life behind vails.... latenight eyecandy...

2010-10-18T14:36:00.000-07:00

again i hope its not too late for some monday eye candy...today i have chosen a pic of kate blanchet dressed up as a sexslave/odaliske ..since i m working on an essay about harems in which i also review a book about a modern harem..seen through the eyes of a rock n roll scheherazade i thought that picture of kate in her silky harems pants and all the jewellery is just perfect...especially because its done by one of my all time fav. photoartists annie leibovitz...so..are you with me? did you every wanted to live a dream in a harem...a adventure in onethousandandone night?...did u ever spend a night in the desert and heard the sand swim like a million small butterflywings ?....i once was discribed as a male scheherazade by a former lover i had...why? no..i dont bellydance..:-) but i like to tell stories...i tell stories for a living while scherazade told them to stay alive..and maybe i do that too...about adventures...faraway places...exiting events...interesting people...so if you let me one day we will sit somewhere...drink some wine..look into the fire..and i will tell you a story too...

meat...

2010-10-15T03:39:00.000-07:00

meat is making me sad lately..i lived mainly vegetarian for the last few month..because i thought a lot about how bad meat and milk is actually for the human body...i dont wanna go into a rant about this subject now...i lived for a few years as a veggy when i was a teenager..but that had other reasons..so this time i wanted to stop because i think meat and milk might be bad for me..i m not a huge meateater anyway...mainly i eat chicken and fish...i try to avoid red meat and dont eat pork at all...but..and there is a HUGE BUT....the fact that i stopped again to eat meat has made me sad when i started to think about the fact that there are so many dishes and recipes i will never cook again..dont get me wrong..i dont think that i will miss eating but cooking them..recipes i learned to cook from my aunt , my grandmother and other people..people who are dead now but who are with me when i cook these things...avoiding meat also has an influence on my social/family life since there a certain celebrations each year held at my home..where i cook traditional dishes...which i do since years...and my family expects me to cook them..of course i could cook them but not eat them..but that would destroy the moment with my family too...so..what am i going to do?...its not easy..especially not with thanksgiving coming soon...where everyone expects me to cook a huge turkey filled with apricots and minced meat and sage....

dont have a pic of my turkey but pics of a rabbit/rabbit legs i recently cooked for a dinnerparty...i dont have a pic of the end result but i made a sauce with cream, wine and ajvar...which was really really good...

eyecandy tuesday....

2010-10-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

i m late for monday but who dont likes it hot on tuesday as well...?
i surely do...and the other day (the actual monday) i went with minisantiago1 to the siebengebirge ...a mountain area about two hours away from where i live...we went up on the mountaintop (of a mountain called dragonrock) by a kind of train...and down by feet to visit the dragon castle and to stop in several small tavernas along the way to eat flammkuchen and drink federweißer (a special wine you get only in this time of the year)..and went we strolled further down in the direction of the town i spottet some kind of old uhm "automat" along the way..working like a mini-cinema(which promosed me to have a glimpse at "paris-the paradise of beautiful women)...you put a coin in and looked through two holes just to see enlighted pictures of parisian women..the whole thing was very vintage and so i didnt fear any hard work or money loose just to take picture through those two tiny holes to present you my dear readers some parisian vintage eyecandy...

meow*

2010-09-27T13:14:00.000-07:00

sooo---to update you on whats going on..my laptop is causing me problems and sinc ethen blogge rhates me and dont lets me coment..i wonder if there is a relation between those two things..

aside that i mainly well and busy..thats why i come in only shortly today(actually i wante dto make a thank you post but that has to wait till..uhmm..a few more days..dont hate me) and instead of this i join the eyecandy monday for the first time and make your eyes happy with a bbw (which is porn for big beautiful woman) because you know me..i like curves...not exclusively but especially ..so viva la big girl:-)

its that time of the year again...

2010-09-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

so..usually i dont do this...i really dont...i never do..speak about my birthday or announce it..that is...and i wanted to do it this way again this year..but someone* told me how awful people are who hide their b-days or keep them undercover...i dont have a problem with getting older..i see it pretty much as what it is..a natural process....but having my b-day doesent mean much to me..that might have reasons back in ym childhood but in generell its just not an important day...since midnight my phone delievers sms from family and friends who want to be the first to say happy b day danielle...and i love texts and stuff..but...i dont feel birthdayish..i never do..i m never exited or anything about this day...maybe i dont have the b-day-gen....

but still...even though i had other plans i ll have some friends over at my place tomorrow...i ll have fun and a good time..maybe i ll even call it a b-day celebration...but there will be no snoby fancy schmancy dinner ..there will be pizza and beer..yes..me! pizza and beer because i dont feel like standing in the kitchen and prepare a 3 or 4 course meal like i usually do for dinnerparties... i just wanna have a good time and talk a bit...have some drinks...my actual plan was to spend the night on my own at my fav sushi place and eat as much california rolls as i could...but hey..there will be more b-days to do that:-)

now that its time to go back to bed...i might be a bit exited ...not that i would admit that..but maybe i really am..not particulary about my b-day...but about that new decade which is to come...about new people i ll meet..about new places i ll see...about things i ll leave behind me...and about the good things which are in front of me waiting to be discovered...there are a few blogland people too who i so would like to have at my house tomorrow...for drinks..for food and all night long talking...for sure...i ll think of you:-)

ha..i m loading a pic of a b-day cake up to illustrate this post...which reminds me of my cousin ninas b-day a few years ago..back when i wasnt able yet to bake..i always was good at cooking but never was a baker..i am still not a good one...my cousin dirk is the bakery magican...and so back then i made a huge onion pizza for my cousin nians b-day as a replacement for a cake..with her name on it...written with huge pieces of ham and bacon..:-)i wish i still had a picture of that:-)

* that ass-kicking someone , of course, is our beloved jo..:-)

he´s alive! he´s alive!

2010-09-10T05:05:00.000-07:00

yeah its been a while...
actually i meant to blog since i m back from france..but as you might heared through the wire one of my best friends went through a hard time and i had..have..to be there at her side and give her compassion..hold her hand like i did since a thousand livetimes...from the craddle to the deadbed we allways say..this time we came pretty close to that..but let´s not go there....

lets go to..work!!!

i m busy working on a piece for donnas, shannas and neves awsome project "f-stop" ...i m struggling through the beginning since a while and i m worried that donna almost thinks i dont wanna do it..but i m doing it...i ll strip off my soul layer by layer and show you something you havent seen yet...becausd ethere are things i wanna speak about...no i dont want to but i have to..so i will...

there will be also a new post on my so long neglected " the absinth room blog" ..so i hope you ll come visit me there as well...

aside that i had the pleasure of interviewing two very special and remarkable women lately...one is bestseller author lori gottlieb with who i spoke about how women make their dating- and lovelife harder theirself without realising it..and then i spoke with our wonderfull blogland neighbour kristina lloyd (who is by the way a bestseller author as well because her book "asking for trouble" runs and runs since ten!! years) who really gave me a wonderful time interviewing her and answered very intimate and private questions for my new piece in P.O-Magazin which will be called: The story of a inclination...

aside that there is plenty of work to do ....next week i ll interview susan mcbride and a psychologist about the subject of cougarism (damn..how i dislike teh words milf and cougar...but hey..thats what this phenomenon is called..and i dont dislike the subject itself atb all:-)....

there is a new book contract in my desk which i havent signed yet..sigh*

and there is a ring...this ring belonged to a very very special person...and since her dead ..about 15 years ago..it belongs to me.....but it means a lot to me....in wear it lately with me..under my shirt on a chain..so its close to my heart for a while..because even though this ring means so much to me it will leave me soon..or better say i soon give it away...the person i m giving it too is also very special in many ways..and she dont knows that i ll give her that ring...in one way it makes my heart so heavy...to let it go..but know its the right thing to do..and the person who i ll give it to does so much for my heart and mind...

so..there will be new stories...about naughty and sexy things..there will be new essays about cougars and harems and the anatomie of my own soul...there will be new books...and there will be you and me...

so..before I head back into paperwork...i wanna say thank you so much for the emails and notes i got lately who sheered me up a lot...maybe cheared??? even....especially the words of janine,jo, craig and ms moon meant a lot to me...somehow its true..you can hug someone from a far....

sign your name across my heart / the word made flesh

2010-07-31T13:30:00.000-07:00

so..i think i allready wrote about this one before but i have to do it again.."this one" in this case is a book ..a book about literary tattoos...and i m very honored that there is a photo of one of my tattoos included in it as well as a mini piece of me written about the meaning behind my tattoo ...

but lets see what the publishers eva and justin say about this pretty baby:

The Word Made Flesh: Literary Tattoos from Bookworms Worldwide is a guide to the emerging subculture of literary tattoos—a collection of 100 full-color photographs of human epidermis indelibly adorned with illustrations and quotations from Pynchon to Dickinson to Shakespeare to Plath. Beloved lines of verse, literary portraits, and illustrations—and statements from the bearers on their tattoos’ history and the personal significance of the chosen literary work—The Word Made Flesh is part photo collection, part literary anthology written on skin.

In its pages you’ll find favorite lines from novels, illustrations, portraits, and passages of verse; you’ll also find all kinds of testimony about the inspirations behind the tattoos: favorite books of childhood; commemorations of triumphant (or tragic) moments in lives; affirmations of friendship; drunken whims that might have (but didn’t!) become cause for regret; a phrase or an image that just seemed too cool not to keep close forever.
so..why i write about it again has several reasons..first that i m so happy happy happy that i m included in this wonderful project..second that it will come out soon and third..i got the cover !!! isnt it pretty? i totally love it:-)

i mean..i really cant stop looking at it and can not wait to get the book in my fingers..:-)

hello from the word mine...

2010-07-30T10:15:00.001-07:00

i know i ve been a bad blogger..again..sigh*

but i m so deep under a duvet of work..its insane..in an hour mini2 arrives...and on sunday leave to spend some time on a ..well..raft...yes u heard right and i ms till not done with my work..:-( there is so much i want to write about....so much things on my mind...aside all the work that isnt very usefull...especially a special person i miss a lot...thats why a song for you...which fits our situation so well...and which i love so much...

i so wish you could hang with me...as the friends we decided to be ...and to give us the friendship..the support we need...doesent taht song fit so well on us?

Will you tell me once again
how we're gonna be just friends
If you're for real and not pretend
then I guess you can hang with me

When my patience's wearing thin
When I'm ready to give in
Will you pick me up again?
Then I guess you can hang with me

And if you do me right
I'm gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I'm gonna confide in you
I know what's on your mind
there will be time for that too
if you hang with me
hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree

Oh you can hang with me

When you see me drift astray
outta touch and outta place
will you tell me to my face?
then I guess you can hang with me

And if you do me right
I'm gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I'm gonna confide in you
I know what's on your mind
there will be time for that too
if you hang with me
hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree you can hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree

Oh you can hang with me
Hang with me

so my lovely ones...you will not hear much from me during the next weeks because i m away with minis...first the raft..then the beach..then paris..but inbetween i ll come home now and then for a day or two to feed you pictures and words and love from my hands...i m a bit snetimental today..maybe its just the whole work,...and the fact that mini2 comes home today who i havent seen in such a long time..and to know that i have theminis now for a few weeks again together..tht i ll read good night stories to them..that we will cook together...have a great time...go swimming..go to paris...lay on the beach too...that i ll look for them when they sleep...that i ll hav ethem close to my heart again...its a bit..you know...i m just a old sentimental person...and the knowledge of the change...the evolution in me...the travel..the search...if this life is a highway..then my soul is just a car..so maybe i ll just keep on driving...or rather walking like the divine may moon told us to..to walk for our life to become sane, and whole again..to heal and be happy..i think of you all....

just a quick hello...

2010-07-13T03:35:00.000-07:00

hey y´all (as ms moon says:-)..how are you doing? i m all under the pile of my work again..its like running in a hamster wheel..dunno if that makes sens eto you but thats how it feels like somehow:-)
i m busy finishing two stories...another article and also prepare the questions for two interviews which i ll do pretty soon...each one with a special person/lady and i m sure u´d be exited to read them....so..i keep the good stuff rolling in:-)

asid ethat i enjoy the sun on my balkony...i really do..i love the heat...just suffer under the persons* arround me who suffer under the heat and dont stop to tell me they do...i mean..whats wrong with you guys??? in winter you hate the cold..and want sun..in summer you hate the ehat and want it cool?????

i m also writing on a critical post for this blog..involviong a crytical view on certain society related things...i hope to finish it today..its not very long..its just the problem that i dont have enough time...damn...anyway...u ll hear me later...:-)

* you should go and ask ms moon how it is to liove somehwere where its really hot AND humid...not just the bit warmth we have here in germany

let´s do it like whores...

2010-07-08T05:11:00.000-07:00

cooking like whores..that is! pasta to be exact...

and where do the whores cook the best pasta? yes..italy of course..where else? first i wanted to write a little erotic intro about a prostitute in sicily..about the narrow and pictureske street she lives in..the bordello with its old and crooked stairways...the room with the narrow bed and the small window which leads out the backyard..red flowers on her window bench and a thin dog who lives in a shet behind the house...

BUT..i dont have time for that intro today so i just go straight to one of my fav pasta dishes pasta alla puttaneska...my grandma teached me how to cook this..she went with her sisters to italy each summer when they where still young girls..back then when it was very chic to go to italy for summer..to rome, capri and the costiera amalfitana....since my grandma and her sisters where total ladies they were shocked when the yfound out the meaning of " alla puttanesca" but still they were already under the spell of this spicey and simple dish..and so they would sit in the restaurants and just write it down intead of saying it..not looking at the waiter..blushing and bursting into laughter as soon as the waiter would leave their table...

if you ask one how this dish got its name u will get many answers...some will tell you its because the italian whores invented it because its quickly done so they were able to cook it between two clients....others will tell you its because the prostitutes werent allowed to go shopping before night and when all " good women" already had been shopping their groceries...so they ha dto buy what was left..but thats not true...to go back to the real deal about the pasta alla puttanesca we have to go back in time to sicily..actually its a typical dish of the so called cucina povera..the "poor kitchen or kitchen of the poor?"...back then..in 1950 the bordellos and whorehouses used to be property of the state/country...they were called " case chiuse" which means "locked/closed house" because the doors had to be closed all the time to prevent the neighbours from beeing hurt or terrified by the sinfull life of the whores..the normal italian housewife goes to teh market everyday to buy all the things she needs to feed her bambinies fresh and nice..but the "state employes" couldnt do that..their time was so limited that they were allowed only once a week to leave the house and go shopping..so they had to be inventive and see what to cook with goods and foods which lost longer..and so this dish was created based on things which are in stock in every italian kitchen...

so..lets check our ability to behave like a whore..in the kitchen!!

we need:

pasta..usually they use spagetthie for this but i prefer i penne rigatte for this sinc ethe sauce gets attached better to them
then you need capers..a jar full ..the salty ones..not the thingies in vinegar..those have actually nothing to do with the real stuff
2 red onions, chopped
anchovis as much as you like
cherrytomatos
oregano, dried or fresh
olives as much as you want
sugar, a tea spoonfull
oliveoil
2 garlic cloves sliced into small..slices!
a red chilli pepper , two if you like it like i do

now you heat up the oil in a non-sticking pan..dont make it too hot..i know this dish known for beeing done quick..but i cook it like a sugo and let it cook very slow..
chopp the onions, garlic and the chilli and put them into the warm oil..heat up a bit..
boil for about 6 minutes until the onions get that glassy consistens..now add the chopped anchovis..stirr it all with a wooden cook spoon...
now cut the toamtos in halfs and add them into the pan..then follow oregano, olives and capers...stirr it well...

boil meanwhile the pasta in hot saltwater

add some more salt and black pepper into the pan..

thats all u usually do for this..but since i alwas like to add my own twist i add some redwine vinegar and sugar into the pan..cook some more...make it cook low until the sugo starts to be a bit thicker and get a creamy and soft constitens...

now put the pasta into a bowl..but the sauce all over it..stirr it with two spoons and pour some parmigano over it..add some basil ...perfect...:-)

guten appetit!

pretty cover

2010-07-07T07:53:00.000-07:00

i just got an copy of the cover of the next issue of p.o.-magazin which features my essay/ sex education piece about female ejaculation...it has the rather racy title "when women squirt" but its really educational about the history of female ejaculation, features also a bit about my own expiriences in that field ( on females not on me of course) and has also a very ..err*..interesting 5 steps test about how to finde out if you ejaculated or peed..dont laugh because thats most womens fear..to not ejaculate but to pee..and..honestly..the history of female ejaculation is full of weirdness and frustration..i dont wanna go into the details but..much frustration this subject contains for a lot women...so its still a while until the magazin hits the news agents and its german language anyway...but here is the cover
..oh and thanx to new conections in teh publishing world p.o.-magazine is now also available in switzerland and austria...happy news :-)

..I'm gonna soak up the sun .....

2010-07-05T05:20:00.000-07:00

ah..sorry i didnt postet earlier again but i was away all day long to the beach in the netherlands...but before we go any further here is my fav song for the moment which i played on the 3 hour drive to the beach again and again

so..thats rox which totally reminds me of my golden teen-times when i was a huge fan auf lauryn hill and would play her album "the misseducation of lauryn hill" all the time..

anyway...good music...so i decided spontaneous to go with mini, my cousin dirk and also minis best schoolfriend r. to the beach on sunday...i love the little city were we go to often on the weekends in summer..its about three hours from here an you have to drive from the netherlands through belgium into the netherlands again...the beach is huge and never too crowded..even on hot days you never get that "bah..people like oil sardines-feeling"....
it was minis first time on the beach because before we only went there with mini2 and he had a blast especially because i allowed him to bring his friend along...he said he had been to the beach before (6 times) but i dont believe him after i saw his reactions on the water and the sand and the fact taht water was salty..so it seems they both had a first time and it was such a great day with playing, swimming and laying in the sun eating cool grapes, melons, rucculasandwhiches and reading (dead rain by i dont know who and dark enchantment, again, by our beloved janine ashbless) while kids were running in and out of the water , spreading water everywere, burrieng their toes in the sand and feeding the seabirds with grapes and bread crumbs...actually i wrote about that place before but can not find that post right now...

sunset at the beach
the old beachhotel which i love so much since years and years

i hadnt been to the oecean for a while and so i totally had forgotten how it feels like to float there...arms spread face upwards the sky in the salty water...my eyes closed and my skin warmed by the sun ...the world fades out..i m the only living person on this planet...my mind clears..opens up...my lips a bit numb by the waters saltyness...i mean..is there anything better to get reliefed from everyday stress? to let go...i never can bring myself to shower off the salt directly there on the beach..no..i just get back in my clothes and let it dry on me...i like the ride home..sun still burning from the sky, kids sleeping in the back...shery crow on the radio...that was a good day...
the way to the beach...
mini and his friend on the beach..

then we dropped r. his mommas house and had a little lunch which includes these huge meat tomatos? garden tomatos? which i lately harvest directly from teh garden and who have the size of baby heads (sorry jo) and who were in this case filled with mince, mozarella and herbs/spices..i mean..look at these beauties..believe me that was a good day with a good ending... so..that was me..i hope your sunday was similar good...

do what you want but dont call me a dilf...

2010-07-02T13:44:00.000-07:00

a few days ago i recieved an email in which i was adressed as "writer DILF"...it took me a while until i realised what dilf means...that it is the male form of a word which i really really dont like..milf..only cougar is worse and i m not sure if i feel really flatter to be called a "daddy i like to f***"...i m sure the sender of the email meant it in an affectionate way but still...and..it brought me back to a thing i discussed lately with jo...sexy dads...i mean..where are they coming from? i can remeber a time when i was the sexiest and youngest dad on the playground...and while i watched the two i was a dad for i had a whole crowd of mommies who offered me muffins and lemonades and conversation...that has changed..well..maybe because the kids are too old for the playground now..but i can not help to notice that there is an army of sexy 20-45 year old very handsome and stylish dads in my area lately...i meet them in restaurants, cafes, bookshops, luna parks, museums, markets, shops, pools and...even at ikea!!! is there a new sexy dad-breeder arround? a nest somewhere?...where do they come from? and how can i become one of them again? can we be friends please?...even ricky martin is a sexy dad now..:-(..and not only that but he also wears the very same hat i was wearing last week on the museums island...well..i have to do something to rise again and climb up the latter into the sexy dad show...hands off of those mommies or i ll trow a muffin i swear!

well..while i m dumpling arround on the lower rows of dilf-ness my blog seems to rise and climb on its own ...i mean..you know my blog-insecurities...its really weird..i m a very selfconfident in real life..and in german...but here in my blog and in english i m always insecure what people think about the subjects i choose...when someone stops commenting on my blog, when a post gets only a few coments...when...when what ever..i directly feel like OMG..they hate me..they hate the subject..they will never look at my blog again...then i have a deep breath..and asure myself that i m totally stupid and that no one hates my poor little blog ( no one but the comenteer who didnt liked my hair post) and that everything is great and..well..great!

and you cna imagine i was beyond exited when i got an email today telling me that my oh so poor little blog was chosen as a 2010 BEST PICK by http://best.sexforums.com/

where i am in such great company as susie bright, alison tyler and how great..our beloved emerald:-) i mean..how cool is that? i know of course that its very cool and i m very very honored and maybe i ll grow on that base (which is a silly thing to say sincen your beautiful coments are always my base) some more blogconfidence...

under the surface...

2010-07-01T01:09:00.000-07:00

last night i met up with renata (my longterm serbian partner in crime and female sidekick) and my friend noah for a couple of drinks and discussion my new column..so we ha ddrinks and talk and a good time in general..it became late..i left..in front of the bar i stood and realisized that all taxis had been gone...so i was about to wander down the street to the next taxi stand when i heard someone call my name..i turned arround and saw a dude walking towards me i know since a couple of years..lets call him serkan..well..no thats his real name so maybe we call him just him...he is a turkish imigrant..same age as me...lives in germany since 17 years...he has barely any hair, is very tall, and has small soft and plump hands like a child...its not as if we are friends..we had a coupe of drinks on parties..we met here and there by accident and always had more or less short conversations about religion and politics...we really arent friends..not from my side of the fence...but i thought i know him...he is a very simple guy..he works in a factory...he drives a babyblue bmw which he bought from my martial arts friend...the name and number of his dojo is still printed on the side....a friend once brought me to the guys home which he shares with his parents...a cultural shock to be honest...i dont wanna go to the details of dirty old sofas in teh kitchen...golden plastic wallpapers and sized up passportpictures in golden red frames...the piles of dirty old shoes in front of the door..the brandnew huge flatscreen and the hundreds of dvds...the fact that the friend told me that "him" tends to bring sexual partners home and have sex with them in his parents bed...all that and more really..well..not scared me but seemed to be so strange and foreign for me and all this together ended in the fact that i never had any interest in becoming friends with him...also the fact of his always same good mood..i mean not good mood in the sense but..he always smiles..no matter what..always have this blank smiling face...never complains..never has a critic thought..never displays any emotion deeper then a shoe box...

so i wasnt exactly pleased last night meeting him..it was late..i wanted home..and so i told him that i m off to search a taxi..which he hold me back from and offered me a ride since he had to drive my way...in thought for a second about it and then agreed..shortly after that we arrived in ym street and i was about to leave the car when heasked me why i dont like him...i sucked some air in ...great..that wasnt the kind of conversation i was up to...anyway..i told him that its not that i dont like him but the fact that we live in two extremly different worlds and the fact that we dont have any common interests or friends which keeps us from socialicing ...his face turned dark...the blank happyness disapeared from his face...he looke dbitterly at me and said that i m an idiot..that i dont know anything about him...his hands banged down on the steering wheel in a helpless gesture...making the miniarure koran shake which dangles from the mirror...and then he started to talk..told me about his childhood..how his parents never cared for him and how his grandparents raised him in teh turkish woods..teached him how to find edible thinks in the outsides..how he was the first one to go to school in his family since four generations..how he would run there by feet and after that wait tables in a little village nearby at the age of 10....how his parents moved to germany and his father appaered who was basicly a foreigner and took him away from hsi grandparents...how he hated germany..how he tried toi runaway...how his father would beat him up and he would runaway and hide in a park...how he dropped out of german school and start working in the factory...making confiture and chocolate bread spread which he couldnt afford to buy...bringing money home to his parents who dont work..who can not read and write...how he wouldnt finde friends...how the years passed by ...how his father beat him up with a belt in the age of 27 becaus ethe neighbours ha dtold him that he had brought me and my friend to his appartment...how the years had passed him buy..how he felt all isolated...how he would have driven to a city far away..ringed someones door...went into a foreigners appartment..teared down the window decoration and trie dto jump out of the window ...how the police came and took him away...he said no one knows about that....he sobbed..his fingers clawed in the steering wheel..without looking at me he throuw up the story of his life...layed it out in front of me..one by one..a collection of bitter days and years...i was 15 when i start to loose my hair he said...17 when the rest became greyish...by 17!..a tear rolled over hsi cheek...what do you think why that is? why i look so old when i m still so young? he asked me...its stress and sorrow that makes me old! and grey haired..i thought about my grandma who never had any stress and was white by 22...i thought about explaining him the biological reasons for greying hair but then thought that i know he thinks he can not get infected with hiv because he is a man and only women and gays get that stuff..so i thought he wouldnt believe in biology anyway...he keept on staring into the night while i looked up to my own windows where the dimmed light called me home....he told me that he had moved out for a while..lived with someone far away...was happy in that relationship..happy for the first time..but then his mother started to call him..she would cry everytime they spoke ..telling him how much she would miss him..need him...that he would hav eto come home....in the end he gave in..left his happy relationship and went back into the darkness of his parents apartment....

last night he told me all this..for the first time ever he took the veil of his played happyness away...its so sad´...but yet i know it will change nothing at all...not for him..not for me...its a horrible story...but its a foreigners story..someone i dont have any conection too..we will never be friends...i have nothing true i could give him...offering him solace or friendship would be an act of mercy and be wrong...

still..it makes me think about under how many happy faces a horrible story is hidden...

inspirations, surfers, djerba and pretty books

2010-06-28T06:57:00.000-07:00

did u ever notice how creative minds inspire each other? its really like that..i guess thats why arty people like to stick together and why artists colonies exist..because of the continous inspiration they give each other...

so just the other day i recieved a nice thank you note from the kind and awsomely talendet neil plakcy ...he and saachi green were the first two american editors who believed in my work and were willing to put work and time into my stories to straighten them out and polish them into something printworthy...and i m obviously very thankfull to both of them because these two anthos mean a lot to me...

so neil send me that thank-you-note ( along witha copy of the e-book) because my story "sleeping in the sand" which has been published in his anthology "surferboys" has inspired him to write his new novel "dancing with the tide" setted in djerba...

i love djerba and when i went there for the first time it seemed such a magical place for me...and i m happy that neil could see that through my story...

so..to celebrate neils new book as well as the equaly good anthology i ll post you a snipped from my story " sleeping in the sand" and hope you like it...as well as picture of my wooden surfer picture breadboard :-)
play me:

“...Wow, that was good,” said Kathy and let herself fall down on the black leather next to Gaspard.
“Do you want to dance too?” Julien asked me, still standing.
“I …yeah…well…it seems like Kathy needs a break first…and…,” I stuttered and looked over at the girl on the other side of the table.
“Yes, Kathy needs a break for sure. But I don’t!” Julien laughed and stretched his hand to me. I looked at his hand with disbelief, as though I had never seen a hand before and was for a moment unable to understand what he had said. Could that be? Did he ask me for a dance?
The first notes of Lisa Hall’s “Is This Real” came out of the speakers and encouraged Julien in what he wanted to do.
“C’mon…that’s my favorite song! Why do you Americans always have to be so complicated?” Still laughing, he grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the couch and onto the dance floor.
On the way there I almost stumbled, that’s how busy I was with telling myself that this was a dream. For a moment I stood there, as if I was planted on the ground, and looked at Julien who already had started to dance. With a quick movement he kicked those flip-flops off of his feet and started to dance in little circles around me. His hands were on my shoulders and he was so close that I could smell him again…the scent of the ocean…salt…sweat…and lust?
Well, I said to myself, if this is a dream I can do what ever I want to do, and started to dance to the rhythm of the song, slowly moving my hips. Julien was behind my back and I bowed my knees a bit when he laid his hands on my hips to bring us in sync.
Silently I lip-synched the words to the song, “And I know…yes I know…but is that real?” I was sweating and I became brave enough to rub my butt against Julien’s crotch.
I was just about to turn around as Gaspard appeared. With a single movement he pushed me aside and then gave Julian a hard push, screaming in French at him. I reached out to touch Gaspard’s shoulder when he spun around and gave me a hard slap in the face. For a moment he looked as shocked as I felt...

lurkers, roses and local eating....

2010-06-26T06:06:00.000-07:00

so..both mwa and i tried to ..delurk??? our lurkers...i mean..i asked really really kind...in a "its past midnight take off your masks!!"-way...but no one but my faithfull blogland fellows demasked themself..i mean..you guys are so many..and i can see you..loook at the picture..u can see urself...so why not beeing nice and saying at least hellO?

anyway...from lurkers to romance... since i m still caught up in romance-writing..well trying to write romance rather fits what i m doing..anyway..what do most conect with romance? yes..roses...and since my aunt elisa collects roses and she bought a few new ones the other day which were planted yesterday i thought i join them for a drink and having alook on the new roses for all of you..et voila..roses...

so lets hop from lurkers and roses to dinner...you know that i m a fan of eating local products and support my local shops and farmers by buing their products and luckily there are a lot chnaterelle mushrooms arround lately which i m a huge fan of..usually u harvest them in autumn as far as i know but soime farmers have chanterelles which grow the whole year as it seems like..so yesterday i bought a basket of those intense smelling and wonderfull little wonders to cook pasta with princess beans and chanterelle mushrooms...

u need :
800 gramm green beans..i mix princess beans and garden beans
salt and pepper as usuall
200 gramm breakfast beacon (in dont eat that since i dont eat pork but mini loves it)
600 gramm chnaterelles
2 red onions
2 garlic cloves
penne..well..i hadnt penne so i took fettuccine which wasnt a good choice..please stick to the penne
6 spoons of oliveoil
2 sppons butter
thyme
lemon juice
a bit of cream

so..start with cleaning the beans..and cook them slowly for about 13-15 minutes..let them still have some "bite"
then start boiling water for the pasta
clean the chanterelles..but try to avoid the use of water if possible
chop the onions an dthe garlic in small pieces
piut the pasta in the boiling water and add some salt..meanhwile take the beans out of the water...
now heat the oil in a large and heavy pan ...put the bacon in until its all crisp and smells nicely...add the garlic and the onions..cook for two mor eminute swhile u stirr..put it all aside on a plate
now put some mor eoil and butte rin the pan..heat it up really high and cook the chanterelles in that strongly for about 4-6 minutes
add the time..leaves onyl please...put the onions, bacon and garlic back into the pan with the mushrooms..stirr it all...add lemonjuice...salt..pepper..a bit oregano is nice as well...you can leave it like that but if u r me (which is a lot of fun) u add some half dry white wine and some cream or creme fresh...now turn the heat down..add the beans..whisk it all..mix it just as if there is no tomorrow...take teh pasta out of the water...mix it with the beans, chnaterelles and all in a huge bowl..add fresh parmesan if you like to..but thats optional..not optional is a wonderful glas of redwine you should have along with this nice and aromatic dish...i know it dont looks good on the pic..mainly because of the misplaced fettuccine but its worth a try to cook and enjoy this tasty dish..:-)

cucumber soup anyone?

2010-06-25T03:15:00.000-07:00

so still busy busy busy bee that i am i didnt wrote for a few days again...i m all under the pile of my work...a few more horrorstories i have tofinish, columns which are allready late, articles and erotica..even worse..romance!!! ah i can not tell u how afraid i am of writing romance..its not that i m not a romantic person...i m just afraid of romance..in real life when something romantic is done or happends..i have to be ironic or funny about it otherwise it crushs me emotionally under its heel...like back then in paris where i was with j. it was our first holiday together..and paris..you know..the city of love...what could be more romantic? while my heavy alcoohlic lover and i hastened, for j´s work, from fashion show to fashion show..from parties to bars and back..there was still a lot romance i had to avoid..pretending not to see it,..or making the moment pass by as soon as possible by turning it from romantic into hot and arroussed...until the last evening..where j. had a special surprise for me..above the roofs of the nightly paris...full moon ( will i ever be able again to write moon and not think about ms moon and her wonderfull family??) , eifeltower and the river right in view..special words and all..and there i couldnt escape anymore...j. had tricked me by turning a hot moment into a romantic moment so i was lost..okay...i said..its romantic and pretty..what? said j pretending not to hear me..AHH SHIT::ITS FUCKING ROMANTIC i screamed over the roofs...yes it is..j. nooded satiesfied...anyway...i admire writers like kristina wright and janine ashbless for beeing able to write such wonderful romantic stories...but me? so..that where i am..trying to write a romantic story and try to avoid cheesy words...

anyway...we dont live on romance alone..no..writers have to eat too and so i want to share last nights dinner with you...

cucumber soup...

i know i know..to some it sounds slimy but it isnt..i swear!
you need :

dill
6 cucumbers
300 gramm creme legere or creme fresh
400 milliliters of dry or better half dry white wine..i recoment a white bordeaux
1 liter water
instant brew after ur own taste
smoked salmon as much as u like
capers ( the small green ones) after ur own gusto
salt ( kosher salt if possible)
freshly grounded pepper ( black of course)
some butter ( i usually take salty french butter for this)
6 scallions ( i usually take more because i love them)
so...now u have to peel all the cucumbers...then cut them into two pieces and take out the wet seedy part
cut them into small pieces...the scallions as well..peel them..cut them into rings...now heat the butter quickly in a huge pot..when its all hot and liquid put the cucumbers and the scallions in..stirr them in the hot butter for about five minutes..until they look a bit "glass-like"..then add the water..the brew and the wine...stir it all..cook it for 15 minutes on the point until the cucumbers get soft...then use a hand blender and..u know..blend the liquid and the cucumbers into a smooth and perfect soup ....then add the creme fresh..the dill..whisk and stir it all...add pepper and salt...put the soup on plates or in bowls...put smoked salmon pieces and capers on top..and et voila..a tasty tasty dish u have...kids love it...i know it looks not sooo nice..but it really is..i swear!

come out come out whereever you are...

2010-06-19T03:59:00.000-07:00

so..actually i wanted only to post about my weekend away since i went of to the city of ffm where minisantiago was awarded with..errr*. an award of course..:-) by a humanity organisations for his work (with minisantiago2) as a junior ambassador who spreads the word of childrens rights...my minis got a lot of publicity lately and so i thought its okay when i write about it here and post some pictures but...out of a sudden i feel again that i shouldnt post pics and their newspaper articles...so..we had a wonderful time away...i had afghanian food for the first time..we went to the ceremony where mini got his award (actually the awatd of both minis but number 2 couldnt be there:-(

so..that was the weekend...back here i still drown in my piles of work..and also wrestle with a mild writers block...and also come up today with a question..which is..WHO ARE YOU?

i mean..i know who my wonderfull readers, fellow bloggers and bloglandfriends are...those who are regular guests here and bless my poor lil blog with their wonderfull comments...but who are the others? since the awsome sommer marsden introduced me to "statistic software" i m finally able to see who is visiting my page and who reads me...and there are much more readers then comenteers...i think thats because each blog has his "solid" group of everyday comenteers..which appear like a gang or crowd to the other readers so it might often be intimidating and discouraging to see all these names coming back and i also still remeber back then when i surfed and lurked kristina wrights, shanna germaisn and alison tylrs blog...i mean i read them everyday on a regular base but only since last year i started comenting (which is also something i was encouraged to by kristina wright and shanna germain since both encouraged me to coment and also to blog in english)...

so i m fine with lurkers..i really am..but today curiousitiy bit me and makes me want you to tell me who you are...just who you are and where you are from...dont hide..i can see you anyway..:-)

where there is smoke..

2010-06-12T04:38:00.000-07:00

there is fire?

sorry i didnt postet earlier again but this week just has flown by..somuch to do...as well the fact that i m away for the weekend and..gah!

so..i might have to appologize for my last post...i recived an email (the sender told me not to tell his or her name or show the email in my blog*) with the content that the post was insane, horrible and psychotic and that it put a real bad light on myself that i cut off my hair and crie over "religious" feelings and putting pics of my hairymess up on my blog...and that the person as well will never read my blog again and regrets that he or she followed me home from another blog...

so..if i have offened anyone with my last post i will say sorry for that..well sorry for offending anyone..not for what i wrote or what pics i posted because after all..its my blog yes?...and its not as i force anyone to read it...

and that post isnt(when you ask me) psychotic..its not as the world is going down..i just feel weak and...a bit stucked lately..and i question my believs...beeing sick for so long has slowwed me down a lot..and now i need to rebuild my strength.and i also need a sign..for my growing back life...

so..if anyone aside that person felt offendet..i m sorry for that...

well..for those who comnted so lovely and also wrote really kind emails: thank you a lot...because..it means a lot to me....

back with more news soon...:-)

*which is totally silly since the email didnt hold any name i knew so i actually dont even know which blogger has sent this...and honestoly..i dont care

i m not crazy just a lil bit unwell...

2010-06-08T12:35:00.001-07:00

im in a weird place of my mind lately...the last year and this have been kinda hard for me emotional wise...i have been very sick...i have new responsibilities...i decided to write and speak about things this year i never spoke about so far..mostly because of shame and angst...i also have to finish what i begann when i published my essay "subkutan" as well as another sad-crazy-wonderful thing which will get me into trouble if i dont step into the brakes now...that all mix up with a deeper hunger i feel lately...i mean..i have always been a religious/spiritual person..i believe in..love...and much more..but love is the base my spiritually is build on...and that believe has helped me through a lot dark times in my life..has given me strength when i was down...but now...i dunno..i feel a little lost lately...i used to have this strong curiosity..that sense for everything new and intense...but lately i feel weak...i m much better now then i was byend of last year..but still..i feel like there is so much stuff i dragg on..and those emotional bags are so heavy...i know i will come back to life...but right now i dont feel much liek fighting...i dont wanna ask..i wnat answers..something to marvel about..i want a sign...something i can hold on to in my dark moments...i m not lost..but i feel like i ll be lost if i dont change my life again...let go again of bad vices and habbits which destroy my body and soul...i need something to lay my hands on...a emotional shell i can put to my ear to hear the eternal heartbeat of the world inside...and somehow...i wanna get rid of old ballast..of old lugage i m schlepping arround...because its heavy on my heart..it really is...and i dont wnat that anymore...i know i ll make it...i know i ll let go..but man, i m afraid now...right in this moment i have to swallow so hard and count to ten to keep me from vanishing and being gone...thats why i cut of my hair last night..most of you didnt know that i havent cut my hair in more in a year..well jo and shanna have known...i dont know why i did it..when i dont straight my hair its a thick curly mess...a jew-fro like we do call it...a wild, bad behaving..missbehaving jungle one could loose his hands in...its almost impossible to breathe under it...and still i didnt cut it of...i kept it...just if it symbolise whats all wrong right now...and last night..after weeks and monthes of thinking about it i took the scissors...and cut it off...cutting your own hair off by night in your bathroom..with a scissor is a scary thing...tars clouded up my eyes and when i did made the first cut i didnt cut only the first curl but the steel of the scissor also cut my hand..blood tears and curl felt into the bathroom sink...and even though i felt suddenly sick and nouseas..i kept on cutting..i cut and cut and the sink filled with my hair and the more cut of the more i could see myself again...the more i could breathe again...the more i came back to life...and today..i woke up with my light and vulnerable head...someone i really really like a lot lately emailed me "...because i m so brand new" she wrote that about herself and her own situation...and thats where i wanna go back to..to the moment long ago when i for the first time went through something like this and then felt brand new again...i ll come back to life..i ll promise...i ll come back to new adventures...i ll find things and persons to marvel on...i ll look at you...i ll love you..but you...will you be there and hold my hand when it gets hard and ugly? will u be there when i come back from the dark side of the moon?...i ll burried my hands deep in my own hair last night...and it was like the last year with all its sickness and struggle..all that old energy came off this mass of hair..and i knew..i ll be back...will u be there?

memory lane...come away with me

2010-06-03T03:32:00.000-07:00

so..even though i m burried under a pile of work this week i headed out yesterday and made a little trip into the past...so i drove for about an hour through the first summer sun in days...i dont know why i did that...there is a urgent feeling lately to go back to places where i spent time when i was young..as well as getting back in touch with some people i didnt spoke to in about over ten years...people i so extremly miss...so i drove to this house...long ago in this mansion was some kind of artist collony...4-5 people who lived steadily there and about 5 or 6 more who were always coming and going...the house was already old by then...almost empty...furniture from the basemnet and the attic...a lot was done provisorical..but it was all clean and pretty...i used to come with my older cousin or with my oldest sister..by then i had given up painting allready and i wouldnt make any art anymore..but still i loved to be surounded by the artist friends i had...i would spent hours with laying in the garden...planting tulips and iris...sitting model...reading...picking spider webs from the candelabra in the hall...talking for hours and hours ...sitting on the roof working on my novel...with the evening and the cool evening breeze everything would slow down...we would carrie a pasting table onto the balkony...make pasta..wine...grey country bread...slices and chunks of raw fruits and vegetables...more wine...lighting candles because there usually wasnt any electricity in the house...and on we went with eating and talking...everyone was much older then i was...and it was all exiting for me...not only the creativity in this house but also its sexual tension which found its way into my novel...that summer seemed to be endless when i look backwards on it...when i flip through my diary from that time i m stunned by the ways i thought back them..what was important for me...

upstairs there was this huge room..almost like a ball room ...it had the only working fireplace aside the kitchen und high walls as well as a ceiling encrusted with broken stucco...gilbert und ceszare spend over a week painting the broken ceiling with a sky and clouds..oh so many clouds which had pink and golden edges as if the sun would go down in venice and touch the clouds with its golden burning dawning fingers...there we would sit by night...more wine...smoking..talking...kissing..touching...couples would set up...leave into other rooms...come back..leave with someone else maybe...smoking always made me tired..silent..so i would just sit there..with glowing eyes and marvel at the things arround me...i was in love with someone..but the time was complicated because i was with someone else...

it was just one summer but there is a whole life pressed between the pages of those days..in my mind i open the book of that time..and people and moments slip out between the pages like dried flowers from a diary...by the end of the summer we all left ..it was too cold in the old house without heating...strangely no oen really said goodbye...one by one left and moved on..so i did..moved away...and yesterday i came back...now immigrants do live in the house that is all whithered and broken now...i went arround it...i read the names on the mail boxes..i sneaked insid einto the stair case...heavy breathing...its wine cellar coolness welcomed me just as always..just like back then when i still was young and barefeet..skin kissed by the summer sun...a book under my arm..hair hanging sweaty into my face..on ym way to get something to drink...inside everything was dirty now..broken...the stair into the room with the painted ceiling was barraicaded and so i couldnt go there...still i could knock on the doors and count down of all the names and ghosts which are soaked into the walls of this house..sit down on the splintered stairs and remember all the feet which had went up and down them back in that summer...now its all gone...there was a round flower bed in front of the house full of roses and jasmin..gone...the tiled floor is dirty and dusty...and i was standing there..like a relict from another time...thinking of what i was teache dhere..what i had seen..what i had written there...thought of the beam in the attic where i had carved two name sinto the wood ..te amo i had whispered into the dusty summer light which came in through the dirty windows...te amo i had said when i had left the house so many years ago ....yesterday i stood there in the darkness..my mouth so dry...still..te amo i said again and left...

tell me what u you want...

2010-05-26T15:53:00.000-07:00

so..today i finally ha dthe time to get me a new cable for my camera so i finally can post pics again since i didnt had access to my pics during the last days,...so tell me what you wnat me to write about first...the trip to the museums island? eating at my new fav restaurant? the history fest/ carneval of cultures?..tell me what youn want first:-)

2010-05-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

i swear i meant to blog..about the museums island (finally) as well as about food since our lovely donna asked me if i cooked something yummy lately..but..i simply didnt ha dthe time..so i ll leave you alone with the two hot covers of magazines who featured my work lately ...one essay of mine as well as one bdsm story..can u guess which cover belongs to which text??...and i ll be later back with more blogging:-)

2010-05-17T14:25:00.000-07:00

so..actually i wanted to blog today about my trip with minisantiago1 and my cousin dirk to the museums island..but since its already late and i would have to load up a ton of pictures i took there i rather write about it tomorrow and today about my new gig at missima magazine where i write a sex-lexicon for educational use as well as a monthly column..about..you can guess it i m sure..yes..my usual subjects..sex, dating and relationship all under the aspect of the eternal questions..what do women want??? what do men want?...

so my first column isnt exactly new because it was already published in a shorter version in another magazine but this time its full length..and..what makes it a special for me..its full of quotes from such amazing writers as donna george storey, nikki magennis, midori, susie bright, kristina lloyd and a few other wonderful persons who gave me insight on their point of view when i interviewed them about the differences in female and male lust...so..the thing has a hook of course..its..in..german...sigh*...which surely makes craig happy (his german is really good!) ..but for teh rest of you i hope you have this translation funktion that jo uses when she reads my german internet stuff...:-)

http://missima.de/scarlet-skies-kolumne-danielle-de-santiago/2010/05/

hello hello turn your radio on...

2010-05-12T14:56:00.000-07:00

i know i know..its been ages that i came here and i might have lost all my readers because i neglected them for so long...and i dont wanna bore you with stories about how sick i was...and then busy with so much work..and then i had not only mini1 but also mini2 (hurrraay) here for a while and after beeing all misserable sick and busy i m finally back here...yessss..and you..are you here too?

and since jo almost peed already her knickers because of a little story i told to her today i do wanna share it with you too...

so..today i went out to the countryside to visit my grandmother...and after tea and buisquits she unveiled the horrors to me:

grandma: oh...bunny*....i bought some of your books...

i mean wtf??? i told her..begged her!!! not to read what i write since what i write is..errrrr*..well....most of you know what kind of stories and books i write..so i asked my grandma not to read any of them since she is a total lady...so far from anything sexual as one only could be...so u can imagine how shocked i was and how uncomfortable i felt already as she went on:

grandma: and i wrote down a little list of things and words from your stories which i never have heard before..can you please explain them to me?

at this stage i couldnt blush any redder!!! but so i started to explain and already at word one she turned a bit white..at word two she was already pale and said: okay okay..i i dont want any more explanations!!!

by that time jo was already in happy histery and asked me if i conficate the books...and..well..i couldnt!!! because the books werent there..she had lend them to some of her friends!!!so i will never ever ever walk again into one of her ladies lunches without blushing like a ripe tomato...

so thats all for today...damn...i really missed that:-)

* yes...my grandma calls me bunny..and not only her but my whole family..i actually dont know why** but they all do sinc ei was a small child

** okay that was a lie...but i will not tell why they call me bunny:-)

memory lane: the nazi

2010-02-22T11:37:00.000-08:00

a while ago i decided to start a memoir based series of posts...about random memories and imagies in my head..this wont be whole stories..because they arent whole in my head...

the nazi

ages ago...i was about the age of 7 or 8 there was a old nazi living in the town where i lived. even though he was a nazi he was very into my grandmother and always tried to speak to her even though she never even looked at him. i dont know his name anymore but i still can smell the booze in his breath, see the grey beard stubbles on his floppy, chalk-like skin and the bloody red bows under his eyes

he lived out of the town in an area were only indoor tennis courts and factories were as well as a wreckingyard. he lived in the middle of all this in a small prefab/ready to move in houses. he had set up the concrete tombstones of his two brothers in his front yard on the yellowish lawn. one day, i dont rember anymore how it has happened, he brought me there. there was no heating but a dirty old oven who burned on high power in the kitchen to give a bit of warmth. he showed me his porn first. silly and cheap porn. 70ies stuff. and a book which seemed to be an erotic novel...the title was something like "venus blossoms" (interesting that i dont rember his name but the books title) and he asked me if i already "did it"...he told me about he met hitler during the war or after..and how that was the most important moment in his life...he showed me his altar...with some kind of nazi thing a cross or something...a copy of mein kampf...(something else was there but my fluish head dont rembers today) all neatly presented on a kind of wooden bench..a island of clinic order in this messy house with all the beer cans...with the yellow plastic curtains...everything smelling smoky from the permanently between his fingers tucked cigarette..an everylasting cigarette dying his claw like splintered fingernails in nicotine yellow too...thats all i remember..that and that he wnated me to drink some beer..he often went to the bathroom...i guess i spend the whole day there but then i went away...i rember how heavy my schoolbag was...the wreckyard dog barked at me when i walked on by he went along with me, barking on his side of the fence...when i came home my legs hurted like hell from the far way back to town...and my grandmother cursed me for not coming home after school...i never told anyone that i had been there in that house...tombstones in the frontyard and also inside nothing was alive anymore..

rejection, really?

2010-02-22T06:05:00.000-08:00

i hate rejection..i really do...especially when i m sick like a sock puppet (as shanna would say) and so it didnt better my mood when i got an email by an editor which i really really adore telling me that i m not going to be in their next book..not because of the quality of the story but about the fact that i had been in so many of their books recently and they wanna give some space to new writers...and the story will be in the next issue of that series...so its not really a rejection because i worked a lot with them already and will again next year..but still..sigh* it made me feel crappy....kinda sad after all since i love that series of books a lot...

actually and to be honest i didnt had a rejection in a long while..i m so not used to it anymore..maybe this is a good lesson to be demure again..:-/

THE ABSINTH ROOM

2010-02-17T12:31:00.000-08:00

So...I m sorry I join all of you so late in this discussion. I really want to say how surprised and overwhelmed I am by the reaction and all the comments this subject has received so far. Actually I m so happy about the whole discussion that I decided to start a new blog just for the purpose of discussions on subjects like that because it reminded me on my days in berlin when I still had some kind of literary salon and would have guests every week who would come for wine and discussion. So, that’s how my new blog the absinth room came into life. This blog is meant to be a new platform for those who want to discuss so called “sensible” subjects open or anonymously (you also can guestblog anonymously about a subject which is too “racy” for your own blog) and I hope for a lot of interesting conversations there. This blog is meant to be dedicated to the discussion itself and since I don’t want it to be all about me and my opinion I also will invite guest blogger to write about subjects worth drooling, fighting and discuss about it.
So come please and visit www.absinthroom.blogspot.com
If you like to become a guestblogger please mail to desantiago at gmx dot de

Private Only

2010-02-11T07:02:00.000-08:00

so..its collllllld....like in really cold..it startet to snow again two days ago and it hasnt stopped since then...when i look out of my windows i almost feel like i m not in my but in sommers home because miss sommer also drowns in trhe fluffy white stuff..

anyway..no news about the weather so far but great news are that po-magazinhttp://www.pomagazin.com/leseprobe.php (po in german means butt..but hasnt anything to do with an actuall but sinc ethat po is short for "private only), which is a magazin for both men and women about everything sexual, sensual and erotic (naughty pictures but very well written articles), has acceptet my several pages long article "do you want a little more?" about the subject of polyamory* which will be all about living & loving more then one person at the same time..and no i m not talking orgies or groupsex neither wifeswapping or whatever...its really about love..about living with more then one partner (no matter if its a female or male one) , about beeing bond by love, living and the wish of making something meaningfull together...so..before i unveil my own opinion about that subject i ask you what do you think about polyamory? did u ever loved mor ethen one person? could you imagine to be involved in that kind of relationship? dont be shy..and if you are please feel free to coment anonymously....whatever makes you feel comfortable and gives you the possibility to speak your mind...
wikipedia about polyamory:
The defining characteristic of polyamory is belief in the possibility of, and value of, multiple romantic loving relationships carried out "with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned."[3] What distinguishes polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, intense communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. Powerful intimate bonding among three or more persons may occur. Some consider polyamory to be, at its root, the generalization of romantic couple-love beyond two people into something larger and more fundamental.[4]
People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, a polyamorous lifestyle may be single or in monogamous relationships, but are often involved in multiple long term relationships such as a triad, quad, or intimate network.
In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized. Ideally they are built upon values of trust, loyalty, negotiation, and compersion, as well as rejection of jealousy, possessiveness, and restrictive cultural standards.[5] Such relationships are often more fluid than the traditional "dating-and-marriage" model of long-term relationships, and the participants in a polyamorous relationship may not have preconceptions as to its duration.
Sex is not necessarily a primary focus in polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous relationships commonly consist of groups of more than two people seeking to build a long-term future together on mutually agreeable grounds, with sex as only one aspect of their relationship.

EXTENSION: POLYMORY AND CHILDCARE
another thing which might be interesting about polyamorous relationships is the view and the possibilities of collektive childcaring..so maybe you have a look at this and tell me as well what you think about it:

Polyamory and parenting
Many polyamorists have children, either within the relationship(s) or from a previous relationship. Like other elements of polyamory, the way in which children are integrated into the family structure varies widely. Some possibilities are:

Parents are primarily responsible for their own children (biological, adoptive, or step-), but other members of the relationship act as an extended family, providing assistance in child-rearing.
Adults raise children collectively, all taking equal responsibility for each child regardless of consanguinity.
Parents are wholly responsible for their own children, with other members of the relationship relating to the children as friends of the parents.
Children treat parents' partners as a form of step-parent.
The choice of structures is affected by timing: an adult who has been present throughout a child's life is likely to have a more parental relationship with that child than one who enters a relationship with people who already have a teenage child. (The issues involved often parallel those of step-parenting.) The degree of logistical and emotional involvement between the members of the relationship is also important: a close-knit triad already living under one roof with shared finances is far more likely to take a collective approach to parenting than would a larger, loose-knit group with separate living arrangements:

“ Some poly families are structured so that one parent can be home to care for the children while two or more other adults work outside the home and earn an income, thus providing a better standard of living for all concerned. More adult caretakers means more people available for child care, help with homework, and daily issues such as transportation to extracurricular activities. Children thrive on love. The more adults they have to love them who are part of the family, the happier and more well-adjusted they are. There is no evidence that growing up in a poly family is detrimental to the physical, psychological or moral well being of children. If parents are happy in their intimate relationships, it helps the family. Happy families are good for children.[44] ”

Whether children are fully informed of the nature of their parents' relationship varies, according to the above considerations and also to whether the parents are "out" to other adults.[citation needed]

In one possible case indicative of the law related to parenting and polyamory in the United States, the Pennsylvania State Supreme Court in 2006 voted 5-1 that a father in a custody case had the right to teach his child (age 13) about polygamy (and hence possibly by implication about other multiple partner relationships), and that this right

Mini-Santiago sucks...

2010-02-11T02:01:00.000-08:00

..blood...that is! because today in germany is a carnivals day and so all kids are supposed to come all dressed up in costumes and full make up to school..which not only meant we had to disscuss what he was going to be for weeks which was like..pirate..no knight..no pirate..oh werewolf..no vampire..yes pirate it is no it must be a vampire...yes vampire it is..so off we went to the carnival shop to get him a costume..but all the vampire suits were too big since mini is a bit..mini (jo..dont even think about it:-)..so we settled down with a huge satin cape which might be the right one for our blogland friend glimmer??..white shirt..black tie..black pants...so that we today got up really early because we hadnt only the whole getting up, under the shower & having breakfast together routine but i also had to turn my mini-me from this: into that: which was a bit..uahhh because i never have glued black claws on someones hands before or sprayed ones hair black...and mini went to his dressing mirror about a hundred times to check his "eyes of dead" as he called them...then ..we were allready 10 minutes late he wanted to get pictures and i was actually surprised that he very well knew his poses as a vampire...so in the end mini went off to school very happy all fangs and claws and bloody all over...so...that was ym morning so far..how was yours?

father to son..heart to heart

2010-02-09T12:49:00.000-08:00

i hesitatet to do this for so long but i really want to show you a pic of mini-santiago1...just because i love this little monster so much...i dont know if i ever told this story but i m not minis biological dad...i know his mother since she was 14 or 15...she worked with me at the tattoo place and we became friends..when mini was born and had no father of his own it somehow happened naturally that he became my baby...it was a long process..for years i was danielle..uncle danielle..i was there to do all the things with him who usually would do his dad..his biological father who has no interest in the blood of his blood...who has no interest in this little human who has his eyes and his nose...his biological father who walked on by without saying anything when he saw him for the last time ...back then i was allready his dad but we didnt spoke it out loud...still he had already chosen me to be his...and then one day he startet to call me daddy...and now it is like it never has been different...we spent so much time..and he asks so much...he is so alive and sometimes i feel sorry for his producer that he is misisng out on all that...

sometimes i get up at night and sneak in his room just to look at him..so small in the big bed and it breaks my heart that his biological father dont wants to be there for him..dont want to hold him ..to teach him how to tie his laces...how to swim...he will never cook soup for him when he is sick and never hold him close when he is afraid...he will never teach him anything or give him something he can remeber when he is grown up..its me who did/does all these things with min..i do my best to be a good father...to teach him how to be a good and worthy human beeing...i ll do my best to grow him into a happy person..to make him leave his fears behind and i ll try to carry him to heaven on my hands but truth is since i saw him first he has brought heaven to my mind...
sorry to illustrate this post again with a song you might not understand by ear..bt xavier naidoo is one of the few german singers who really can touch me with his songs and messages...his lyrics are of such beautiful and meaningfull quality ..its wonderful...and brings out a lot what i feel for mini
the song is called "while you sleep"
i only wanna be close to you
at night while you sleep
i wanna be close to you
i m awake while you sleep
nothing needs as much protection as you do in the darkness of the world
even mercenaries i bring along
because a dark empire has surrounded us
and nothing nees as much time as protection
because protection is so hard do finde
so they dream that someone protects them
but it stays a dream
and i wanna be protection for you
by night and by day
because i am protectet by an eternal light
and it has told me
i only wanna be close to you
at night while you sleep
i wanna be close to you
i m awake while you sleep
nobody brings light into the day so dark
still you dared to be alive
because its right
still nothing needs as much protection as you do
please believe in me
angels i plea to come along
an army just to be there for you
i only wanna be close to you
at night while you sleep
i wanna be close to you
i m awake while you sleep

i did that picture of mini by night..when he was asleep and i was awake..in the darkness of his room just illuminatet by the christmaslights he has arranged along the headboard of his bed

under my skin...once again..and for evermore...

2010-02-07T11:47:00.000-08:00

outside the thunderstorm came down over the city..dark clouds balled up across the sky and occassional lightning and flashes teared the silence of the night apart ...her eyes wandered along the narrow streets of amsterdam and the canals beneath her window...rain poured down and washed away every sound of the streets ..of the cars and people outside...she turned around and looked at him...dark skin against the white of the hotel linen...a mess of curly hair between pillows...his long muscular legs tangled into the blankets just as he were when he felt asleep...she thought about the words he had said while he was all over her..in her...the words he had whispered into her hair..the words he had spoken into her mouth while he kissed her...words...words had also brought her here..the words he had written to her during the long weeks ...why not meet in amsterdam..why not runaway from what was at home..why not escape and meet halfway ...so many words he had used to discribe the things they would do...to make pictures rise in her mind..to make her heart bloom again...she looked at him once more..reached out to touch the words under his skin...the words written across him..she knew he still wasnt hers..the words....the ghosts of his past...maybe he´d never be hers at all...

i love tattoos..i really do...years ago when i tried to live a normal life and to have a normal job i worked in my best friends tattoo shop ...thats so long ago i almost can not believe its true..if there werent still people in my life who wear my ink in their skin like for example mini-santiagos mom or a close friend of mine who has a line from a poem of mine across his back...
tattoos are wonderfull...especially word tattoos..when i meet our friend shanna she reached for my wrist and told me she d love to have a word tattoo too...i like that..everyone should wear words..everyone should become a story...a living book...because for me a tattoo isnt something what you put on your skin from outside..for me a tattoo is something which comes from inside to the outside..like oxygen underwater flies upwards toward the surface...thats how tattoos should appear on you...everybody tells a story..but some bodies tell whole books...

i wrote about my tattoos in poems..in essays...in stories...and often people ask me about their meaning...like here in a tiny snipped from "subkutan"

" if i was in a relationship she asked me. no, i dont believe in relationships anymore i answered and liftet my wrist so she could see the black letters shinning through my skin. "XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX*, i translatet and took another sipp of my beer. thats heavy stuff she answered and smiled sad. yes, i nodded. i was smiling sad too "

so i m very pleased to tell you that one of my tattoos is included in a wonderful book about tattoos edited by eva talmadge and justin taylor who had the great idea to put together a book titled " THE WORD MADE FLESH" which will be published by HarperPerennial this fall...so the book will include "all kinds of literary tattoo work: quotations from your favorite writer, opening lines of novels, lines of verse, literary portraits or illustrations. From Shakespeare to Bukowski to The Little Prince in a Baobab tree"..and also my own fav tattoo and its biography..the story behind the tattoo...

*of course there isnt xxxx on my wrist but i dont wanna tell too much about it:-)

sign of life

2010-02-05T05:56:00.000-08:00

so sorry babies..but i m just working my ass off during the last days..so not time to play, to blog, to read, to coment or even really to eat...:-////

so forgive me that you havent read, seen& heared me during the last days..will be back soon...

find, romantic

2010-01-29T06:04:00.000-08:00

i ll write to you to assure you of my eternal love....oscar wilde*

yesterday petit fleur wrote about her hard way to get a new drivers license and during the process of getting her papers together she found a love letter...which reminded me on my own love letters...i have a few...long ago i was a good man..long before my desasterous breakup with X i was a good man..a good partner...and from then..from the before..i kept my letters..not only letters..i have a box full of photographs..movie tickets..picture postcards...corks of champagner bottles..opened together...flight tickets...metro billets..buisness cards of restaurants ...opera tickets...shoppinglists of teh evenings were we cooked together...letters from fortune cookies...down wrotes of text messages...as well as photographs of messages left on hotel bathroom mirrors after a wild night...its all there..headstones of my past..of my love...proofs that i was someone else back then...its a travel through time..like counting down the days..and i always wonder why we write love letters..why do we write them to one lover but not to the one before..or the next one? and why cant we let them letters go even though we arent in touch anymore with the person who wrote it? maybe because its sometime sthe mask..the way to wrapp up and hide..the most beautifukl..and most difficult three words...

one very special letter i recived years ago..without a name on the envelope..so its anonymously...still loved the words...it might dont sound so well in translation..but in german its a very poetic piece of work...

dear danielle
with you i d like to ...
walk barefeet on the beach while the sun sets, the air smells like flowers and music plays quietly from somewhere far...
pick berries at noon on a woodglade..while bees sing, we can smell the moist earth and all we hear is the silent cracking of branches...
to have a big , blue & white tiled, kitchen, with a huge old cloistertabel, one end covered with scripts and books, while the other end of the table is used to clean the vegetables, to lard a rabbit, to peel apples from the garden, drinking redwine and listen to boccherini...
be in harry´s bar in venice and try every cocktail hemmingway had there...
driving a cabriolet on the most sunny day over the curvy mountain passe sof the swiss alps...
make plans for a rose garden, read books about old rose breeds, choose the most beautiful ones and pic them up with a small truck at the breeders garden...
to skip work for a day and go to see casablanka in the afternoon show..together alone...
collect mushrooms on a octoberday in the rising morning mist...
having breakfast in a small cafe after a grandious blues session in a crowded and smoky blues-bar...
get lost in sohos thickest fog while you tell me everything about jack the ripper...
pick plums, peaches, apples and apricots..get matching booze an dliquors and cook them into the most tasty marmelades...
lay in front of a open firespace and read to each other from our favourite books...
spend a warm summers nighgt at the pool of a cottage in tuscany and listen to old songs of dean martin, elvis, marilyn monroe and pat boone...
with you i wanna unite all our bookshelves...forget the occassion,get lost in the books, stucked reading the best passages and fight over which books are meant to stay and which books have to go.......

i recived that letter many years ago..maybe 12 or 13 years ago...and even though i dont know who wrote it..its one of my favourite letters ever..because it matches my taste 1000%..because i did everything discribed in it allready and would love to repeat them..maybe because he reached me while i planned a trip to tuscany...or maybe just because i feel like the letter was written by a soulmate..by someone who is like me...someone who is as passionet and wild as i am...someone who is fully alive..aware of the wonderfull things in life...oh and everytime i read the letter again...of course i do it according to the protocol: redwine and boccherini

sun comes out..

2010-01-27T06:44:00.001-08:00

well..sun dont come sout for real since its freezing again in germany...but the title of this post is meant to be symbolic for the weather here at home at camp de santiago...

mini-santiago is allready not only better but full back on track and allready busy again with hsi little boys life full of school, painting, reading and meting friends...

plus...on sunday will be the photo shoot which i missed during last weekend because of mini and the hospital...which makes me happy too..these pictures will be great illustrations for my new story...

plus i slept last night..normal deepsleep..at a normal time..which is the first time in a long while...ah..sweet sleep..i m so happy today...

what about you? how was your day so far?

the minis...

2010-01-24T15:43:00.000-08:00

ah..i m so..dead today...which is maybe because today was planned that there will be an erotic photoshoot with my pin up artist friends renata and nussito...two sexy ladies in 30ies hairdos and sinfull make up to make put in front of my cam...but...fate had different plans...yesterday was meant to be a quiet nice saturday afternoon at casa de santiago...mini-santiago had invitet my cousin nina to have dinner with my cousin dirk and me...i cooked, we drank & we talked and laughted..while i made the dressing for the salad mini told me he dont feel so good..not feeling good turned into i have to lay down..which turned into my belly hurts which turned into i hav eto cry because i feel so misserable...okay..sick kid...adults who had drank wine..so off we went with the taxi to see the childrens dr..who was not sure if he was sure or not if mini has trouble with his appendix...so we drove with the taxi to the nearest hospital...where they told us they dont have a childrens section..so up into the taxi again and on to the next hospital..where i was faced with..well..dr´s..assistant dr..freshmen.."i m a dr but i dont really know yet what i do"-types of dr...i mean..okay..they have to lkearn and to practice,..but as sure as fuck not on my kid...so we went throught that..through teh waiting..through the tests...just to hear the result was: we are not sur eif its appendix or not..so mini had to stay overnight..which menat i got again intothe teaxi..drove home..got minis stuff together..back to the hospital back home..at 2 in the morning i finally was in bed..unable to sleep for a while more...when i woke up i felt like "uahhhh hell what truck did hit me?"...so..on to drive back with dirkl to the hospital..where we were told mini ha stos tay another day due to the fact they are still not sure..its one of the best hospitals in europe...rich people travel here to get their tretament in that hospital..which the kids and me secretly call "the factory of death"...and they cant find out if minis appendix has to get out or not???..dont get me wrong..i m happy the ydont just cut him open but want to make more tests and all before that...but i hate my son to be in the hospital and i hate the situation...

then i spoke with mini-santiago2 today and his mom told me she is happy when he will be back at my house during easter vacation since he is a bit of abugger recently and she seriously needs a break from him...not so great..but i happy to have him here again so the minis can be together....

so...when i came home from the hospital a few hours ago i just had cold left overs from yesterday and felt into bed like dead..´just to woke up again becaus eteh phone ringed...and now i m all awake an di know i will not get back to sleep..which means i ll be a mess tomorrow again...what should i say? daddy wants:

would you...cook for me?

2010-01-21T12:21:00.000-08:00

what will we have for dinner?, is mainly the most important question for mini-santiago when he comes from school..long before he takes off his shoes, tells me how it was in school or whatever ..long before that he wants to know what i ll cook...usually i know the answer right away..i m passionet cook..love cooking..dont mind spending hours in the kitchen...i have aroutine for certain dishes...and also love to flip through cook books to get inspired...but sometimes its just like..my inner kitchen is cold and my pot is empty...what will i cook??..or even worse: sometimes i dont want to cook the things i like to cook usually...i feel like i wanna sneak into someone elses kitchen and go there through the box with old and loved reciepes...so..my question is...would you..cook for me? would you post about your fav dish? show me how to cook a dish that you really like..that you cook for the ones you love?...would you invite me, teach me and make me cook your reciepe afterwards in my kitchen? please...let me look into your pot..:-)

Textmessages from outer space

2010-01-21T01:58:00.000-08:00

this morning i was woken up twice..the first time at 5 when suddently a framed painting of mini-santiago decided to fall down from the wall in the hall (yay it rhymes) and its glass just exploded...then i went back to sleep just to be woken up again about 25 minutes later when i got a text message on my cellphone..which wasnt so nice because my phone was next to my head..on the second pillow...so this conversation via text messages enrolled:

melissa: oh shit shit shit shit
me: what? what time is it?
melissa: i dont know. i m in TROUBLE?!
me: why? answer fast my battery is low
melissa: i just woke up next to a naked woman!!!!!!!!!!
me: i thought you are lesbian
melissa: so thought i!

baby has a bad bad day...

2010-01-19T23:13:00.000-08:00

baby in this case is me...yes...i m up just since two hours and feel like..poo on a stick..the poo on the pic is actually sheep pp..should it worrie me that i m able to identify it???...anyway...i m so fucking tired...didnt slept ...i already slept at 9 o clock last night..but then nina called me and i woke up...and then wantet to go to bed and ckecked my emails a last time before just to find an editors not about two articles i had written a while ago and which i had to cut down each from like about 4500 signs down to not even 300...which i hate to do...:-/...and when i was finishe dwith that i had some chat with jo..and even though i felt tired again..i couldnt go back to sleep..so i worked some more...and now i m up..have a busy day in front of me and feel like..wahhhhhhhh!

i have a new project for this blog in mind MEMORY LANE..it ll be just snippets..because i so often have to think about situations, long gone people or stories that happened so long ago..which are just random, fragments and unwhole...so i ll just write them down without processing them into a real story or post..just will tell you what i remember....

so..even my day hasnt startet really yet i dont like it so much..but what about you? how is your day so far..tell me..share..and make me happy

i ll teach you how ....

2010-01-17T07:19:00.000-08:00

she didnt noticed him until the day his nose were bleeding while she lectured about freud and his point of view on carl gustav jung...she was speaking about how freud and jung had met for the first time and had spoken thirteen hours in a row...freud saw jung as his crown prince, she said as she heared someone gasp and a girl interruped her speech by saying oh fuck no my book alloud...jane turned around and looked at the girl standing there..the blood stained book in her hands...and him next to her..all dark curls and piercing green eyes...blood running inbetween his tissue and his fingers down his mouth and soiled the front of his shirt...excuse me he mumbled grabbing his books and bag with the other hand and left the auditorium...when she saw him next he was all clean again and blushed when their eyes met...high bloodpreasure, he explained what happened the other day...his cheeks where all cherry against the backround of his pale skin and made him look even younger...she knew he was 19* because she had looked up his file in the university office...19 and delicious, she had to admit to herself even though it made her feel uncomfortable..she watched him now while she lectured...she never asked him anything...she didnt even looked for real at him..but from the corner of her eyes she observed him like she would observe a painting of matisse..if it only were forbidden to look at paintings..because that what it was..forbidden...but even that knowledge didnt kept her from thinking..from dreaming and from fantasizing...how she would kiss him...how to unbutton his shirt and expose his slender chest...to expose his flat white poets belly...to kiss his mouth..to run her finger through the dark cloud of his hair and across his back just to close her hands over the two perfect hemispheres of his ass...ah..she could smell his youth and innocence..maybe he wasnt so innocent at all..maybe he fucked school girls behind the gym..maybe he smokes and drinks gin, she thought...but she didnt believed that...she would have to teach him...how to kiss and how to eat her..she would teach him how to come standing up...or leaning against the side of her black carmangia..she would teach him how to come in the middle of the woods or in the dark belly of the universities archive..she would teach him how to do all the things she liked...carefully she smoothered the skirt of her costume and looked into her reflection in the lecture halls door...tall and blonde...a tippi hedren in her fourties...i ll teach you how to fuck she anounced to the empty rowes of seats and straightened her shoulders...

ha dont ask.how much of this is true..or how much of this has happened in..someones past...just tell me something..do you teach? today i met a friend of mine..she is like the woman discribed above...one might would call refer to nher as milf or cougar but i dont since i hate those words...she loves men..youn men..she likes to suck up their youth...and she told me how she brought that guy home..and how inexpirienced he was ..how he just copied every single move she did..when she touched his chest he would touch hers and when she touched his dick his hand would disapear between her legs...she was amused and stirred by that...looked like a cat who just had eaten up the king of the mice...

and so i ask you..are you a teacher? because i m not..i hate to teach between the sheets...i get impatient very fast there and i stay away from virgins as far as possible...but others love it..others love to show and teach and do it all..so tell me about the time when you datet lolita or when you were mrs robinson....

*since i just recieved an angry email about the age of the male charakter in this story i d like to add that i m living in germany where you are a "fully adult" by the age 0f 18...

music that makes you survive..the day, the night, the storm ...

2010-01-10T14:08:00.000-08:00

i spend all day inside...let my thoughts wander around the house...got up...made cafe au lait...cut ripe pineapples open..choped them into pieces...and then drowned them under a flood of wodka in a big old glas jar..there used to be hundreds of raspberry bonbons in that jar..years ago when it still belonged to my aunt..i remember when i was a kid i always became desperate because these delcious little purple thingis sticked together like glue and it was always a fight to get one of them out of the glass...my aunt is dead now...a long time..the jar is still here..many things from my past...habitts, traditions and material souvenirs are still here..good and bad..they dont leave me...many of you told me that you like my taste in music after my yesterdays post...and i have to tell you that this is something from my past as well..nowadays i like all kinds of musik... rock, opera, folk, pop and electro too..gimme a martini and some good lounge music and i ll be all flirty in a second...but grown up..grown up i am with jazz and blues...with nina..and dinah..with bessie and billie...with cassandra and diana...with all the good soulfull and heartbreaking tunes of the old jazz standarts...jazz and blues..my love for nina simone..is something..maybe the only thing i have from my mother..maybe the only thing aside the strong will we have in common...especially our adoration for nina simone...the day nina simone died my mother hanged a framed picture of her on the wall and lightet a candle too..she loved her..had met her several times and never became tired to speak about how great nina was live on stage...my mother would make big round eyes and put her hands left and right on her swaying hips to show how, tipsy almost drunk, nina entered the stage..sat down at the piano..play a few tones..then stand up again..start to tell hown she had forgotten her dress in the taxi...how she would call the taxi service and how it was impossible to finde that dress...had anyone seen it..no?..back to the piano...she would start to sing..one or two verses..then she might change her mind..or simply forget the lyrics and start to play another song..maybe two..then she would stand up again..did i already told you about..oh yes..i see...well..i see you there ..are you here on your own honey?..damn..you are sweet baby..nina would smile at the young man ...and so on..like i said my mom never got tired of speaking about nina simone...

for me the music of nina and dinah and billie goes along with a drink..with joy and pain..with tears in need to be dried...but tears dry on their own and all you need is a glas and some good old nina simone...i m grown up with her voice..the piano..my mother played her where ever we lived...back then i didnt knew anything about nina and her music and its meaning..i didnt knew i would hold on to whiskey and cry on the kitchenfloor..i didnt knew i would sit in a taxi driving through new orleans with nina playing on the radio..i didnt knew i would grow up and play nina simone when i d cook for my dinnerparties...i didnt knew anything back then...all i knew was that it was a good day when my mother were standing in the kitchen, singing "summertime" or "here comes the sun" or when she was sitting in her studio working on a painting or a design and gently hummed along the tunes of " i want a little sugar in my bowl"..."the ginhouse blues" or "you can have him" were signs that the day wasnt that good at all and that i d better be a invisible kid until moms mood would brighten up...those days is were when her mood would be mean and angry..but still nina would make it right somehow...on those days i would find my mother in her bedroom..in front of her mirror table...she would smoke a lot and her glass would have no break and would never be empty..she put on her best dresses..walk up and down the room, cut curls from her hair and look out of the window...
danielle she would say and her tongue would be sharp like broken glas animals...i was only 5 or 6..i didnt know anything about beeing depressive or heartbroken..danielle she would say...isnt your mommy the most beautiful mommy in the world???...and all i knew was that i d better smile and say yes yes yes..my mommy is the most beautiful mommy in the world...that was all i knew..i didnt knew that by the age of 13 i wouldnt be allowed anymor eto call her mommy...because, she said, to have such an old son would make her look way too old...

nina simone is all i kept...and dinah..and bessie as well as billie and all the others...because that and a stiff drink..is what brings me trough many days..nights & storms

blizzard warning

2010-01-09T00:31:00.000-08:00

play me:
i have an apointment with my tattoo artist today but since its so damn cold and the blizzard is coming i will skip it to another day soon because the clouds are so heavy white and grey and full of snow..because snow is drifting allready in a thin sharp rain of flakes along my windows...i dont wanna do anything but roll myself up in my dark purple bed sheets...wanna listen to dinah washington...oh tell me..is you is or is you aint my baby???...clouds are so heavy...i feel like i wanna close my eyes and wake up in my grandmothers favourite chase.. all comfy and save from the coming snow storm..on the radio they say it might be a storm of a century...again..is you is or is you aint? tell me...
so...outside..my trees and bushes have been kissed and crystalised by the snow white queen..even the iron of the pavillion aches under her frostiness..

but inside...my strange flowers..my needs and desires..keep on blooming...i try to ignore the snow..i have my own spring..inside .

but on to other things...just the other day i learned that the wonderful alana has "awarded" me..http://afterthepole.blogspot.com/2010/01/ive-been-noveling-lately-and-suck-at.html

so..i think in generall its like you recive such thing..and like with everything good..you pass it on...so i do this too...there are many bloggers who inspire me but a lot of them dont blog much lately or are having a hiatus...also i decided to pass this blog award on to wonderful writers outside of the smut writing blog land crew i usually move along with..we smut writers tend to be a small incestous group..and we need some fresh blood...

ms moon: http://www.blessourhearts.net/

glimmer: http://myblog-astonishme.blogspot.com/

allegra smith:http://beadingstars.blogspot.com/

jeremy edwards:http://jerotic.blogspot.com/

and

janine ashbless:http://janineashbless.blogspot.com/

i hate to "choose" people ...when your name is on that list it means your writing moves me..touches me..inspires me...if your name is not on that list it DONT means anything at all..i still love you as a friend..love to read your words and like your style..but above these 5 bloggers do inspire and touch me a lot in this minute...

..and forgive me to "illustrate" this post with a song you might dont understand by ear..but maybe by heart...let me give you a few lyrics from it so you can understand why i choose it...
because our hearts mainly are blind
who of us is like a child?
open to everything like the wind
who brings the rain to the ocean
the rain, so free and yet willed

give me a suitcase for my heart
because it is worth so much more
if you take it with you
from dawn to dusk
and then bring it back to me...whole and unharmed

getaways & escapes

2010-01-07T04:07:00.000-08:00

play me while reading:
when i watched this morning mini-santiago waddeling through the snow on his way to school i had to think about a conversation i had with jo recently..about my fav. summer getaway..well actually we spoke about hollydays but then my summer getaway came up my mind and since its always only for a weekend its not a real hollyday but a break....i love to finde place where to go during summer weekends..just pack the kids in a car and escape from the city...
i m sure you know that situation..when in summer life in the city becomes so unpleasant..like you cant breath there anymore...where do you turn to? i love to go to the netherlands..to a small town....its a 3-4 hour ride so we break up very early in the morning..nina and dirk on the balkony having a cigarette illuminated by the morning sun kreeping up over the city roofs...the kids running around..playing..unable to have breakfast because they are so exited to go to the coast...i run around with my lists of things still to do, things to pack...then in the car..i wear my fav. hat...dirk drives...nina and the kids are in the back...the town we go to is on coast of the netherlands..full of small houses with some modern buildings here and there added..small cafes and seaside restaurants...you just stay for these two days..lay on the beach and watch the kids run in and outside of the water and the breakers...you stroll to town to buy baguettes and cheese...you have a small house close the water..you just let your mind dangle with the seaguals gliding over the seas surface...maybe you think about deadlines now and then but not as often as you usually do...in the evenings when the kids sleep you all sit down on the deck ..open bottles of wine from the town...you speak about what has changed here since you came as a kid...candles flicker on the table and within a heartbeat its time to pack your family again and drive back home...you arrive late in the evening..you notice that you surely have forgotten something around the beach...you carrie the sleeping kids upstairs...you unpack...sand runs from inbetween the pages of the books you read at the beach...and while you pour yourself a whiskey to end the day with you walk quietly from room to room..everyone sleeps ..its quiet..you dimm the lights...you step out on the balcony where candles flicker just like the nights before on the tables close to the beach...you are home again..but still you cant wait to get away again...
so tell me about where you get away to for a day or two...tell me were you hide when you need to relax and escape from every day life....

lay your hands on me

2009-12-30T09:06:00.000-08:00

i dont wanna speak about goals because goal always sounds so,,,i dont know...there are just more positiv sounding words..like wish or plan...i gave up having goals years ago..because they put so much preassure on me..and i was all year long busy chasing goals...so i gave that up..and replaced that by making plans..or even less...during the last years it was more like i knew what i wanted to do and..just did it..worked on it without preassure and made it..or not..sometimes i struggle..and stumble...but then you are there...offering your hands...and somehow thats all what i need ..a little help of my family and my friends..and i ll dust myself up..and try again..make new plans and make them coming true...
each year on my birthday my family and i drive into the countryside and bring so called sky lampions...we write our wishes on them...well..thats not true..my family writes their wishes..i ..secretly write down what i wish for them...because i believe that this energy..the good things someone else, who loves you and wishes for you is much stronger then the things you wish for yourself...we light the candles inside..hold them lampions until the warm air fills them up an dlet them go..make them rise over the water of the nightly lake...we let them rise and take our wishes along...and maybe a little bit of ourself along too...the picnic we just had..the warm summer air..the taste of wine and kisses on our lips...the kids who jump up exited because of the rising fire across the nightly sky...the sounds of the woods...the trees swaying back and forth so slowly that you barely see it but hear it...and you sit down close to the waters edge...and you feel both full and empty at one time..and you see your wishes rise up skywards...wishes and prayers..thats the closest we can get to heaven while we are down here working on our lifes and plans...the luckiest of us dont have to do that alone..the luckiest of us build their life with many hands not just their own...this year was hard for many of our friends...a lot changes came ..good and bad ones too....had you help?
i really hope you did..and when you faced the darkness i hope i was a good friend and gave you some solace..a word..a smile or a shoulder..i hope i reached out and offered my hand to you and helped you to get up again...and if i wasnt there i hope someone else were...i hope someone else gave you reason and sense...made you see again ...and thats what i wish for all of us for the next year too...the strengths to keep on working on our plans no matter what it is we are wishing for...dont let us leave each other ion darkness...if someone is close by ..and life is getting him down...offer your hand...and if i am that one..washed away by life..when my heaven crushes down on me...please give me a word..a smile..lay your hands on me when i fall down and lift me from the shadows...help me to keep my head above the water...help me to turn this car around..help me run or swim for my life..help me getting back on my feet..back on my way...just..lay your hands on me until i breathe again
and if that coming year is full of summer moons,full of cloudles skies, laughter and picnics, if all goes well...if i m rising each day higher and higher...if everything goes all well...when laughter runs from my lips like pearls and seashells...please..be there too..gimme your hand so we can share those moments too...because where is the sense in it..when i m happy and you arent there?

i dont wanna speak about goals..and i dont wanna speak about my own wishes...tell me about yours..tell me what you wish for yourself and for those you love...offer a hand...reach out ....and unveil love

2009-12-27T03:52:00.000-08:00

i just been told that this sentence:
Sex mit Britney dank CIA-Routenplaner: Porno-Lesben mit Schweinegrippe kastrieren blutjunge Hitler-Aliens in Tokio Hotel

will make your blog appear way more often at google searches..so..lets see if that works..:-)

it´s christmas..again? really?

2009-12-24T01:43:00.000-08:00

gah..couldt it really be christmas eve again? since days i wanna post about visits in christmas houses, extraordinary christmasmarkets in grottos, about mini-santiagos first own christmas-tree and about my cookie madness...but i ..dont have teh time..i mean it..i wanna post...but i m just baking and cooking and decorating..to say it with my sister jades words: i behave like martha steward on crack...so..i m since 5 o clock this morning..shopping, cleaning, cooking and all...

but i promise..i ll soon write and post and show you pics...
so meanwhile..i wish all of you my readers and my blog land crew and fellow smut writers a merry christmas...and entertain you with versions of my favorite christmas song...

for ms moon

2009-12-20T06:28:00.000-08:00

ms moon asked me to post pictures of the snow because she has non up in lloyd, florida..so thats what i do..it snows since two days in a row..its freezing cold ..the wind bites through scrafs and gloves and even through mini-santiagos santa hat...so i dont wanna go out today since inside its all cozy and warm and we still bake cookies and mini-santiago decorates his first own christmas tree in his room....and since i dont wanna go out i only show you what i see from my windows and balkony:-)

if you plan to visit MWA...

2009-12-18T04:25:00.000-08:00

next year for her potentially great "bloggers of the low countries unite-meet up"...http://mwaonline.blogspot.com/2009/12/low-country-bloggers-unite-or-not.html you better behave nice to the old belgian people you meet along..especially towards the old people who have been trained at the senior self defence academy (http://www.senior-self-defence-academy.be/) these seniors literally kick ass...:-)

i totally love this add..i mean c´mon..show some love and respeckt to our grannies and grandpas..you better do..:-)

for more informations about the low countries blogger unite thingie you can check for that mwas blog at http://mwaonline.blogspot.com/ but be carefull..dont get lost in translation...

its here...its beautiful

2009-12-16T04:44:00.000-08:00

play me while reading

the postman didnt ringed twice he didnt ringed at all but when i yesterday checked my mailbox i found a big envelope from the brauns who are the wonderful owners of feigenblat magazine...so there it was (along with a pretty vintage postcard: no, thats not the g-spot)..black on white..my life..written with heartblood spread over several pages ....what can i say? the magazine, one if not THE leading german magazine in erotica , is beautifuly edited as always ...great pieces by both known and new writers along with toy-presentations, book- and art-reviews, poetry, essays and seductive picture-editorials....and after reading through it one more time i finally calmed down the storm who was haunting my waterglass during the last days...i dont say i m over it but i guess this will be the last post in which i bother you my dear blogland crew with "subkutan"..i dont know if i ll get all woriied again about it...this story isnt off my mind yet...but i have to move on from that...my bags are much to heavy by now...so i have to let it go...this is my ghost of the former christmas...and i have to change something and move on...i better stop before i go and break my heart...again...

so thank you..lots for suporting me with warm and thoughtful coments and advices when i needed them...

by the way..the dedication under the title means : for x..if x wants it.....

because thats what it is...if you read this..its not only my story but yours too..its us...its whats left of us...

did you...

2009-12-13T18:00:00.000-08:00

play me while reading

just a couple more days to go until the new issue of "das feigenblatt" hits the stores...this issue includes my essay "subkutan"...which is all about how i found the love of my life..and lost it again...its not fictional...its real...its also about how i handled the situation afterwards..so..i m a bit scared..i m happy this will be published because i hope it will be like some kind of exorcism...that it will help me to let go..but on the other hand..i m afraid to show the world my naked soul...i m afraid to be judged for what i have done...maybe that fear was encouraged too by this conversation i had with my very best friend:

me: duh..i m really a bit worried about the release of subkutan..
dirk: why?
me: because...its ...i m afraid of getting judged...
dirk: why? i m sure its a beautiful essay and that you put your heart blood in it...why should people judge you for your relationship?
me: well..not exactly for the relationship but for what i ve done...
dirk: what do you mean?
me: well..the things i did after x and me broke up...
dirk: you wrote about that too? are you nuts???????

so you see..i might have reasons to be worried...

i also think a lot about my former lover x...about how we were..about how it all went off hands..the many things we planed..things which will never happen...things i wanted to say ..long before things went bad..but didnt say because of stupid reasons...

did you ever told someone you love her or him?
did you ever said: i need you.
did you ever said: you have changed me and my life
did you ever say: you made me a better person
did you ever said: i wanna spend my life with you

if you have the chance to feel these words..if you have the chance to say them..then do it..dont hesitate..dont be afraid....say it......dont think about it....change your life

hm..even though i m still worried about the readers reaktions..i already like the cover of the new feigenblatt-issue

the hottest sex books 2009..are...hot!

2009-12-13T13:41:00.000-08:00

just recieved an email from a very kind reader who informed me in her email that the famous as well as kick-ass cool violet blue published a list of her personal book highlights of 2009 in her column for the san francisco chronicle...

the list indeed is a who is who of the best and most awsome names in erotica writing and surely highlights a bunch of really steamy books which are good reads as well as sexy as hell...number one is alison tylers anthology "playing with fire" and that number one is more then deserved ..i actually love everything about that book..the cover...and of course every single story in it...

but lets jump back to number 6..which are two coming out books..one of them is sacchi greens anthology "girlcrazy:coming out erotica" and includes my story "i´ve been around the block.three times,maybe four"...i so love that book..and so love sacchi green for working with me...and of course violet blue for putting it on her list...that really made my day...ach..my month!

if you wanna check violets whole list jump over to:http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2009/12/10/violetblue1210.DTL

ps: congrats to all my blog land friends and fellow smut writers included in one or another project on this list...

ha...you made me jump with joy

2009-12-13T05:53:00.000-08:00

you know i ma writer..i write..stories..columns..books..all day long..yes..er*..no..i dont ..not recently..recently i ll have breaks ..breaks which i use to chat with my blogland crush...and because i love you all so much i just want let you have part in this and enjoy our intellectual and adult/mature conversations.....
me: brb have to drink something
bloglandcrush: no whiskey!
bloglandcrush: smelly alert back in a sex
shit!!
sec! A second!
me: are you there? or still busy with that sex??
bloglandcrush: agh
shut up
me: yes?
bloglandcrush: I@m back
sex-free
me: you know that i just copied that heh?
bloglandcrush: which?
me: about the sex
bloglandcrush: same mistake
me: i ll use that in a post about my blog land crush
bloglandcrush: !
me: i simply have to..!!!!
bloglandcrush: noooooo
I make that mistake all the time..
me: yes..back in a sex..i mean..thats an instant classic!
bloglandcrush: a freudian slit
me: slit eh?
bloglandcrush: x and c are very close together

ps: nicknames, age , bra-size and other important details have been changed by the editor to save the innocent*

thank you for being a friend...

2009-12-11T02:52:00.000-08:00

textmessages again..this time with a real good friend of mine

me: ahhrg*..i m going to hell...
friend: wait...i ll come with you...

thats the kind of friend everyone should have...:-)

what a day what a day

2009-12-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

gosh today really was a tour de force...i had to go see the dentist with mini-santiago because he had to get 4 (in words four) primary/ milk teeth removed as well as his labial frenulum...the whole procedure under general anestethic...so we spend a long time there and mini-santiago didnt really feel like waking up, walking or talking after the whole thing..so i had to carry the poor thing home..and let me tell you a seven year old after a general anest. feels as double as heavy as before..so i brought mini-santiago home..cramed him into bed and stayed with him rubbing his belly until he could go back to sleep...then i worked on an essay and a column about porn for women which i still didnt finished and had a bit of daydreaming with my blog land crush about running away and having a place with a beach and margerithas and martinis and her running seductive up and down the beach while i work on my book...then mini-santiago woke up again and demanded more attention and finally food since he wasnt allowed to eat before the operation so i gave him arnika water and cooked him a soup right before i made him go back to bed and let him listen to a radio play until he slept again so i could write some more...then it was about time to do some more cooking (honestly it wasnt but i needed a break from my essay and cooking and drinking always puts me in a good mood..while i cooked i listened over and over again to my new fav. song by sade because sade is always great to put me in a sexy relaxed and flirty mood...

so..now you might wanna know what i cooked...i did a noodle salad with chicken, peaches, cellery and a curry-joghurt dressing as well as roast potatoes with tomatos, garlic, red onions,feta and rucola/ rocket salad..i know it dont looks good on the pics but its really tasty ..especially on a foogy and rather cold/wet day were you wanna stay in and eat something hearty...

maybe you havent cooked yet because you are one of my readers and blog land friends from far away and live in another time zone..so if you are up for something like that here comes the recipe

noodle salad with cellery and chicken
you need:
choose a type of pasta you like (i prever conchiglie for this salad but you can also do it with rigattoni for example)...
salt
2 spoons of oliveoil
150 gramms of chicken breast
black pepper
150gramms of cellery
2 peaches..i always take 3 or 4 but thats because i love peaches a lot
180 gramms of very creamy plain joghurt
4 teaspoons of curry powder
sugar
30 gramms of roasted sesame

so..boil the pasta in salt water..please..al dente!! dont cook the pasta until its fucking dead like most people do it in germany which actually makes me cry on the kitchenfloor...so cook it and when its done and you decant it save 5 spoon full of the cooking water

now cut the chicken breast in little pieces and heat the olive oil in a pan...roast the chicken well and put pepper and salt on it..i like to add some pepper de paris over it which gives the a very nice taste...put the chicken to the side and let it cool down a bit

now cut the cellery into small pieces as well as the peaches..skin them off ( which is a work which i really dont like but the taste is totally worth it) and cut them into small pieces...mix them in a bowl with the chicken breast pieces and the pasta

now mix the joghurt with salt, pepper, sugar after your gusto and the cooking water you saved aside...whisk it very well..add the sesame and put it all over the chicken sellery peach mix...stir it very well and let it lie still for about 10 minutes

now the roastet potatos
you need
as much allready cooked potatos as you want to
1-2 garlic clove
2-3 red onions..i love these onions because of their mild, almost sweet taste
4 tomatos
some rucola/rocket salat
4 eating spoons of olive oil
salt
pepper
150 gramms of feta

first cut the potatos in pieces..the peel the garlic as well as the onions and cut them into small pieces too..now take the tomatos..cut out the green part of them because its not so healthy to eat it..then cut out the watery/seexy inside and cut the tomatos by now into small pieces too, now wash the rocked salad, clean it, and dry it

heat the oil up in a pan and roast the tomatos for about 5-7 minutes ..put them in a bowl and put the pan back on the oven...add some more olive oil and
roast now the garlic and the onions (you can add some bacon too)spice the potatos meanwhile with salt and pepper and add then the garlic and the onions to the potatos in the bowl..add now the tomatos as well as the rocket salads..stir it all very well and crumble the feta all over it...serve the whole thing aside the salad with a glas of red wine or a cold bear...arg*..beer?..i menat beer yes!

so..thats that..i hope you like the whole thing...if my wonderful friends jo or neve had joined me for dinner i had replaced the chicken by champignons or spicy tofu..as well as i had left out the bacon (even so i always use turkey bacon since i dont eat pork)...if you try the recipes just tell me how you liked them..

sms from outerspace

2009-12-06T11:51:00.000-08:00

do you have this kind of friends too? that kind which sends you naughty sms allways wanting something from you and ask you horrible intimate things?

today i had this sms conversation:

friend: dude..can you borrow me some lube?????like..right about now?

me: err*..no?!?

friend: allright then..doesent matter...then i ll just take a running-jump!

The Gashlycrumb Tinies

2009-12-03T03:08:00.000-08:00

i know i know the video was cute..but it really went on my nerves...so i had to give it a time out and load up something different...less commercial but more what i like today: dead children..yaye! i think they are wonderfully done and i also love the book...so here they are: gashlycrumb tienies

actually i love all of edward goreys books and i rember when i got them as a kid from my mom ..the delightfull terror which got all over me and when i laid in bed at night and thought of the children dying their undignified somewhat victorian deads...ah.. sweet terror of mine..:-)

back into life

2009-12-01T07:31:00.000-08:00

...so now i m back on my two feet since about 2 or 3 days...and what can i say? i really have a hard time to finde back into my all-day/every-day life...everything kinda feels surreal and forreign and i still feel that damned swine flu in my bones...

the biggest problem is the fact that i was suffering from heavy fever dreams and hallucinations while i was sick...heavy stuff..about my grandparents relatives in concentration camps...about really weird stuff...and now i m back on track to be well again its hard for me to realice what was true and what isnt...actually its really simple: nothing was true....but its actually kinda hard for me to realice that nothing has changed while i was sick because everything feels strange and foreign and it feels like things have changed..i know i sound like a fool but thats the truth..that right now everything feels arteficial...:-/

subkutan

2009-11-29T11:47:00.000-08:00

i like to speak today about bad things..about painful things..about things we do to ourselfes...well..thats not true..i wanna speak about how i dived into my own destruktion...and how i went down the road of hurting myself.....just an hour ago i recieved an email from the editor of "feigenblatt magazin" (which is a wonderfull german magazine) and he told me that he accepts a piece i send him a while ago for their next issue..that piece is called "subkutan"...and even though they loved it from the start at "feigenblatt" it gave them a hard time because the piece is horrible long...and even though i hoped and hoped that they publish it..now that they accepted i m kinda afraid...why i am afraid? because its not a fictional piece..its an essay about what might have been the darkest 3 years in my life...i wrote about the last serious relationship i had...about the magic which where involved..about how this fairytale went bad...and about what happened with me after we didnt lived happily ever after...i wrote about a year where i couldnt have sex because i couldnt stand the skin of someone else..because i couldnt stand or bear to be close to someone who wasnt her...i wrote about how i went down to the bottom of every bottle..how i drank and drank and how i throuw up in the bathrooms of fancy restaurants just to go back to the table to drink some more...how i dived into the embrace of drugs and medication ...how i cried and cried...how i started to have sex again...how i went into the darkness of anonymous meanless sex...of bars and bedrooms..how i left hotels in the early morning...how i crucified myself on the thorns of selfhate..how i sometimes felt like shit an dstill went out again in the evening..how sex became the answer to all my prayers for salvation..how i searched for my lover..a lover i called miss X because i hated her real name and never spoke it out loud until the day we broke up...i wrote about this and much more...and soon everyone can read it...and now i m afraid...i m afraid what people will think of me...what my friends and family will think when they read that piece..i m afraid of facing my past everyday for 3 month on the shelves of the supermarkets and booksstores...
..so tell me about you..tell me about the dark places you have been...tell me about a bad habit you had and you survived...

yes ma´am ...i m back...

2009-11-29T11:03:00.001-08:00

so..i know i know you wonder where i have been...if i had been lost after attending an orgy style thanks giving party...or if i had been kidnapped or if i just worked/wrote my ass off...i wish it where one of those (well i dont wish to be kidnapped) i simply where sick as hell..and as hell discribes it only slighty as horrible as it was...but now i m almost back here to join you all in blogland again..still in bed but finally able again to think and write and...be here with you...

and tons of hugs and kisses to the wonderfull people who send me emails and ecards wondering where i have been...especially to jo and ms moon who who send me love en masse to make me rise from the dead..you all are wonderfull°°° the rest who stay unnamed: you, of course , are wonderfull too and every little mail totally made me happy..:-)

women are heroes ...a hommage to womanhood

2009-11-18T01:26:00.000-08:00

play before/while reading

for a rather long time i wanted to write something about an amazing project by frensh photographer / artist JR. the project is named "Women are heroes" and features gigantic portraits/photographs of a group of encredible courageous women whos husbands, sons, daughers or other beloved has been victims of (mainly police) violence

these pictures show jr´s work in rios favelas

i think this project is awsome...amazing as well as beautiful and nothing less but important because it shows once more a modern portait of the womanhood and the female role in society...or better say the struggle of the female role in society

for more information please visit: http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/08/scenes_from_rio_de_janeiro.html

its raining reviews...

2009-11-14T15:37:00.000-08:00

i know i know i bore you already with my reviews but its so cool for me to get so much love from the states:-)

aside that my day was full of hanging out with mini-santiago..we went to the book sale in the public library where he snatched himself copies of modern biology, midnight stories , a cake for grandfather and one book called the snuggle rabbit...so we have something to read for the bed time..:-) then we went cloth shopping which was boring as hell for both of us..we arent big shoppers..maybe for books yes..but clothes are rather uninteresting...then we came home..kiddo had promised me oven potatos and chicken basil pasties but then he dropped down saying: duh..i had have such a busy day..lets make pizza instead..what he did..the pizza turned out as 3 big pizzas in the end..with all kind of stuff on it like hungarian salami, french cheese, ham, pinneapples, hot peppers, fresh champignons,half dried tomatos and i dont know what....along with a really good wine i recently discovered (for me not for the kiddo of course:-)...

so that was my day..and when i came home i had all your lovely coments and emails here to make my days even better..along the emails were a message of a lurker of thsi blog who told me there was another review for surferboys on amazon...which i like to share with you

By Amos Lassen (Little Rock, Arkansas) -

There is something about a surfer boy that creates fantasies in the minds of many gat men. I suppose it has something to do with the sun-kissed healthy look of the long, lean boys who spend their time on the waves. Of course the broad shoulders and the blonde hair may also have something to do with it but there is something irresistible about a surfer stud.
Neil Placky gives us an anthology of erotic stories about the sexual activities of those boys on the beaches whose bodies glisten with the surf and who glow from the sun. All of the nineteen stories are hot and the very cream of gay erotica contributed to this collection--the editor himself, Aaron Michaels, Gavin Atkins, Martin Delacroix, P.A. Brown, Christopher Pierce and others.
The boys surf everywhere--Japan, Hawaii, Cape Cod and they have romantic interludes that range from tender to raw sex. We see the beach as a place other than a sandy area but as a playground for men who love men. The book is good erotic fun and the stories are fast paced and erotic to the meaning of the word.
i think thats another really great review of the book and i m very happy about it for neil plakcy who is an awsome editor and really helped me to make my story "sleeping in the sand" what it is..:-) so thank you amos lassen for reading and reviewing our little pretty book:-)

just woke up to have my second time

2009-11-14T00:35:00.000-08:00

..just woke up..not only to some really pretty coments about mini-santiago which naturally touch me and make me proud of the little otter but also to my second american review...this time not especially about my story but about an anthology i m featured in...

the storys name is traveller/deep in the jungle and is part of christopher pierce´s " SEXTIME: Erotic stories of time travelling"- Anthology..

i think time travelling is a wicked and wonderfull subject to write about and was totally on fire for the theme when i wrote that piece for christopher

so today i found out (through a very nice reader of this blog) that eric page over at gscene.com has written a review:

Just what I needed to pep up my bed side reading; a book of time travelling sci-fi gay erotic short stories, yes that’s right, sexy wank stories about time travelers. No ‘Dr Who’ parodies in this, and it’s actually a little more slick and sexy that it would seem from the title and themes.

It’s a collection of different time traveling men’s erotic and horny encounters thought history and some ultra gay alternative futures. We get a trip back in time to the roman slave market, ancient Greece and Aztec palaces, pirate ships and futuristic Washington DC, and where and whenever these temporal studs end up there’s a hell of lot of hot and pounding queer action.

It does exactly what is says on the tin and doesn’t try to be pretentious, so if you like your one handed reading to be quick, to the point, and with an occasional sense of humor then I’d give this book a go.

If you’ve got a sci-fi bent and like a trip down the ole time tunnel, then you’re going to go back for more.

Einstein would be a little surprised to discover that the only constant in these universes is compelling man on man sex and don’t expect much physics unless it’s the third law of motion (For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction). There’s over ten authors featured in this collection of fun erotica and it’s edited by the capable Christopher Pierce; who managed the very popular ‘Rouge’ series.

its a good review hm? thank you eric page for having our book reviewed:-)

this child is to good to me

2009-11-13T15:00:00.000-08:00

since i was a bit..iritated today..to put it mildly..mini-santiago kept asking me all the time if i m allright..he suspekted that something was wrong since i didnt stop to ask about the teachers reaction on the letter and after he had to asure that she didnt said anything..and no dad she didnt read him directly..and no she didnt told me to tell you anything for about the 109264389244609 time the kiddo was more then sure i m sick or about to jump out of the window or both...

and since mini-desantiago is really a blessing he said: i ll cook you something good and you will feel better!

cooking is a really big thing in my family since we all are food lovers..and since i bought this childrens cook book for mini-santiago last vacations he loves cooking too..that book is really good and easy and mini (age 7) can actually cook the whole stuff almost alone..i just help him with the oven...

so he cooked for me wonderfull pasta with tomatos, basil, cheese and meat balls

and a dessert called tangerine tiramesu...

how could anyone not love a child like that?? ok..the meat balls we bought already done..and the pasta was slightly not that what i call al dente..but who cares..my 7 year old boy cooks for me..:-)

so here are some pics of the food...as well a mini-santiago asleep after cooking for me in his bed with his stuffed animals and his new lihgts over the head board..which i hate but he loves them ugly thingies...

WORLDS END!!!!!!!

2009-11-13T03:52:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOD! the end is near seriously...something so horrible happened (or at leats i think it happened) that i m almost about to run up the walls

ok..so ..let me begin to explain myself...mini-santiago had to stay home the other day because of dentist stuff and a visit in his new school(new school is a subject i ll blog another day about because it kills me already) ..so today i had to write him a letter of apology for his teacher...but today everything was a bit chaotic today and so i wrote the letter, made breakfast, put mini-santiago under the shower all together..while i cutet the fruits for his cereals?granola?? i also searched for an envelope...blow-dryed the kiddos hair and then we finally hed breakfast..so far so good...good until i startet to work a bit and and searched the research-list and notes for my upcomming sex-column..and didnt found..what i found was the letter for kiddos teacher..AHHRG!!! i feel a bit like the poor girl in "drag me to hell" who mixed up the cursed button with the coin and then..never mind..just a movie..but this is real life...now i m down on my knees searching the floor and hope i find the list and...anyway..pray for me..please..:-/

my new column: Boys vers. girls or why the genders still live on seperated planets

2009-11-09T06:41:00.000-08:00

just a few days ago the new alley cat issue came out and is now availeble in stores all over germany..even though i liked alley cat before this issue is especially great for me since it includes the first episode of my new column-series "männersache"...this column is also very special to me since i had wonderful fellow writers, artists and ikons such as donna george storey, susie bright, midori, kristina lloyd ect, who were so generous to let me quote them in my column..a big thank you for this..you really acompanied me awsomly:-)

and yes..thats a vibrator add next to my head/next page..its by the brand fun factory and i actually didnt payed attention to the add until i showed the column to my grandmother and she asked me what those multicolored thingies are...ventilator i said..without blushing

some more surfing...

2009-11-09T06:14:00.000-08:00

you can finde the foreword of the surferboys-anthology over at authorsden.com ..which is also very very nice for me since my story is mentioned in the foreword..i know that might is silly of me but it really makes me happy..:-)

surferboys foreword by editor neil plakcy

On my first visit to California, many years ago, I spent an afternoon at Huntington Beach, watching a line of slim young guys in wetsuits dare the crashing waves. I must have taken a whole roll of film of those neoprene-clad surf masters.

Years later, when I set out to write my first mystery novel, Mahu, I wanted my hero to be a surfer. I was entranced by their mastery of the waves—and how innately sexy I thought they were.

Four novels later, I still think surfers are sexy—and obviously many of you do, too, because I received lots of great submissions for this anthology.

When you think about surfing, you probably think of Hawaii first—I know I do, because of my mystery series set there. But there are great waves all around the world, from Australia to the Jersey shore, Cocoa Beach to California. The stories here span the globe, but what they all have in common is handsome, sexy surfers who love other men.

From the romantic lyricism of Danielle de Santiago’s “Sleeping in the Sand” to the down and dirty sexiness of Bearmuffin’s “T-Room Surfers,” there’s something for every surf lover here. You’ll journey to Australia, Tunisia, Oregon, Cape Cod, and Malibu among many other delightful destinations.

Surf’s up dude—hope this book does the same for you!

my first time

2009-11-06T07:06:00.000-08:00

this spring i did had my first time..well not my "first time" but i had the honor and joy to see/have my first two stories on the american book market aka in american anthologies...i wouldnt had have this pleasure if there wasnt the help of two wonderful editors namely sacchi green and neil plakcy who liked my work that much that they actually edited them and cleaned out my lil grammar mistakes...

...so today i had another first time..my first american review on one of my american stories...

over at outpersonals.com T.R. Moos reviewed "surfer boys" neil plakcys hot and wave-wet anthology which is all about sexy and seductive surfers...among many well written stories you can finde my story " sleeping in the sand"...

which brings me to what mister moss wrote about "sleeping in the sand":

“Sleeping in the Sand" by Danielle de Santiago features an American surfer traveling in Africa who meets two young (18 and 19) French surfers, with associated drama, and finally getting fucked by the queer of the two French surfers, who is naturally a "master seducer." At 19 years old, I found that hard to believe, but the sensual details of seduction are certainly compelling.“Sleeping in the Sand" is a good transition into the remaining stories, many of which are rather romantic.

even though i didnt wrote anything about "master seducer" i think that is a pretty good review which i m very happy about..so..thank you mr moss

if you wanna read the rest of the reviews jump over to:

http://outpersonals.com/intgroups/aa368/tyadmin/acprint_admin_article.html?site=out

60 strockes with the whip..and i dont mean the sexy ones

2009-11-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

the face behind the story: rosana al-jami

the masked men grabbed her at her hands and ankles. You bitch will suffer one hissed through the black fabric of his mask. they dragged her out of the room. she tried to free herself..to escape..screamed and kicked but the men where stronger. outside the light and the heat of the day bit into her. a crowd were already waiting and lurked while the men pushed her down into the dust of the market place..

my dear fellow smut writers...
we all do it...we write about sex..about sex we had..about sex we would like to have and about the sex we just imagine...we do it no matter what..for the most of us it doesent matter if our work is published..read..if anybody knows what we do or not...
and we know that it is "forbidden" by our societys standarts,..because sex is something that happends behind closed doors and shouldnt be dragged into the light..still we write about what ever tickles our brain..but would you still do it if it was really forbidden by law? the few lines in the beginning of this post could be the beginning of a sm-story or could be a snipped from a horror-anthology..but its not..somewhere this will be rerality ...
Rosanna al-Jami ..a 22 year old journalist from saudi-arabi didnt even wrote about sex but helped to prepare a talkshow for the LBC chanel...a tv show in which a man spoke open about himself having sex with a female neighbour and also presendet some sex toys in front of the camera...
this tv show actually was a shock to the system..maybe not for our standarts but for the standarts of the islamic society...

so Rosanna al-Jami has been accused for preparing this show and also for promoting the show in the internet..her punishment will be 60!!! strokes with the whip...

the man who spoke open about his sexlife has lost his job at a government-runned airline..and has been judget/punished with 5 years in jail!!! and 1000!!! strokes with the whip...

i m just surprised that they didnt try to finde the neighbour he had sex with to punish her too..maybe by condmn her to hard labour...or shaving her head and splitting her nose and pinning her on a scarlett letter...

i thought for a while about writing about this subject...even though a many of my friends tried to keep me from putting this on my blog but i cant look away...all of you my fellow writers could be in the shoes and situation of Rosanna al-Jami .....what do you think..what would you do?

out of a sudden.../ does your mama know

2009-11-03T06:03:00.001-08:00

just the other day we spoke about keeping our work organized and neat...which i totally cant...for example i cant keep a list of the submissions i send out like craig does it..i mean..i really tried it ...but after a while i forget to write my submission titles, the publisher and the date down...or i loose the paper i wrote it down on..loose in this case means throw it away or used the other side for a shopping list and..well..you get the point....

...so sometimes i totally forget that i have send out a story..or that i even wrote a particular story...just..gone with the wind...or i also forget that the story which i have forgotten about has been accepted by a publisher...

..so you totally can picture my puzzled face today when fedex delivered me a package from konkursbuch verlag (which is one of the leading and most arty and extremly cool erotica publishers in germany) ...i opened the package..and there were two copies of the yearbook of erotica 09/10..pretty pretty books...and i was like " awww..they got something wrong in the office because i didnt send them a story for this issue" (during the last 3 years i worked several times with konkursbuch) ...then i was sad because i knew i had to send the books back..then i thought "maybe there is a older story of mine inside..a reprint!!"..then i checked the writers bio..a b c ..d...hm..no danielle de santiago..okay..then i knew they got something wrong in the office...sad again..then i jumped up..checked the writers bios again... o p q r....s..there i was..under s like santiago...(usually the have me under d)...and inside they had my essay " beautiful shame"...horray..my book..:-)

but..back to my question today..does your mama know? your daddy? your lover? your friends? your neighbors? your children?...that you write erotica / smut / porn?

my essay "beautiful shame" is all about myself and my struggle to keep my family life and my smut writers life together...a lot people in germany read my work..but no one of my close friends or of my family...even though most of them know what i write about ...most of them dont want to read my work because they dont wanna cross a certain line between them and my naughty mind..but some of them..like for example my grandmother ..arent "allowed" to read my work.....as a example a dialogue between my granny and me:

grandmother: so..when do i finally get to read one of your books??

danielle: well..you...you..cant!

grandmother: i cant read?

danielle: no of course you can read but..

grandmother: so i can read your stuff?

danielle: no! i mean..you can read but you shouldnt read my stuff!

grandmother: i know you write dirty stuff..your sister jade told me

danielle: how nice. well..yes..they are to dirty for you to read

grandmother: do you think i live behind the moon????

crickets*

grandmother: dont think i m silly...i studied!!! i was one of the first women who were allowed to study..dont think i m stupid. i totally know what kind of dirty your stories are!

danielle: (surprised)..you..know?

grandmother: yes

danielle: ?????

grandmother: its those kind of dirty stories where the characters/narrators arent married to each other..right???

danielle: yes granny..thats what makes it so dirty..my narrators arent married...sigh*

so...tell me about how you keep smut writing and family under the same hat...