lay your hands on me

i dont wanna speak about goals because goal always sounds so,,,i dont know...there are just more positiv sounding words..like wish or plan...i gave up having goals years ago..because they put so much preassure on me..and i was all year long busy chasing goals...so i gave that up..and replaced that by making plans..or even less...during the last years it was more like i knew what i wanted to do and..just did it..worked on it without preassure and made it..or not..sometimes i struggle..and stumble...but then you are there...offering your hands...and somehow thats all what i need ..a little help of my family and my friends..and i ll dust myself up..and try again..make new plans and make them coming true...
each year on my birthday my family and i drive into the countryside and bring so called sky lampions...we write our wishes on them...well..thats not true..my family writes their wishes..i ..secretly write down what i wish for them...because i believe that this energy..the good things someone else, who loves you and wishes for you is much stronger then the things you wish for yourself...we light the candles inside..hold them lampions until the warm air fills them up an dlet them go..make them rise over the water of the nightly lake...we let them rise and take our wishes along...and maybe a little bit of ourself along too...the picnic we just had..the warm summer air..the taste of wine and kisses on our lips...the kids who jump up exited because of the rising fire across the nightly sky...the sounds of the woods...the trees swaying back and forth so slowly that you barely see it but hear it...and you sit down close to the waters edge...and you feel both full and empty at one time..and you see your wishes rise up skywards...wishes and prayers..thats the closest we can get to heaven while we are down here working on our lifes and plans...the luckiest of us dont have to do that alone..the luckiest of us build their life with many hands not just their own...this year was hard for many of our friends...a lot changes came ..good and bad ones too....had you help?
i really hope you did..and when you faced the darkness i hope i was a good friend and gave you some solace..a word..a smile or a shoulder..i hope i reached out and offered my hand to you and helped you to get up again...and if i wasnt there i hope someone else were...i hope someone else gave you reason and sense...made you see again ...and thats what i wish for all of us for the next year too...the strengths to keep on working on our plans no matter what it is we are wishing for...dont let us leave each other ion darkness...if someone is close by ..and life is getting him down...offer your hand...and if i am that one..washed away by life..when my heaven crushes down on me...please give me a word..a smile..lay your hands on me when i fall down and lift me from the shadows...help me to keep my head above the water...help me to turn this car around..help me run or swim for my life..help me getting back on my feet..back on my way...just..lay your hands on me until i breathe again
and if that coming year is full of summer moons,full of cloudles skies, laughter and picnics, if all goes well...if i m rising each day higher and higher...if everything goes all well...when laughter runs from my lips like pearls and seashells...please..be there too..gimme your hand so we can share those moments too...because where is the sense in it..when i m happy and you arent there?

i dont wanna speak about goals..and i dont wanna speak about my own wishes...tell me about yours..tell me what you wish for yourself and for those you love...offer a hand...reach out ....and unveil love

i just been told that this sentence:
Sex mit Britney dank CIA-Routenplaner: Porno-Lesben mit Schweinegrippe kastrieren blutjunge Hitler-Aliens in Tokio Hotel

will make your blog appear way more often at google searches..so..lets see if that works..:-)

it´s christmas..again? really?

gah..couldt it really be christmas eve again? since days i wanna post about visits in christmas houses, extraordinary christmasmarkets in grottos, about mini-santiagos first own christmas-tree and about my cookie madness...but i ..dont have teh time..i mean it..i wanna post...but i m just baking and cooking and decorating..to say it with my sister jades words: i behave like martha steward on crack...so..i m since 5 o clock this morning..shopping, cleaning, cooking and all...

but i promise..i ll soon write and post and show you pics...
so meanwhile..i wish all of you my readers and my blog land crew and fellow smut writers a merry christmas...and entertain you with versions of my favorite christmas song...

for ms moon

ms moon asked me to post pictures of the snow because she has non up in lloyd, florida..so thats what i do..it snows since two days in a row..its freezing cold ..the wind bites through scrafs and gloves and even through mini-santiagos santa hat...so i dont wanna go out today since inside its all cozy and warm and we still bake cookies and mini-santiago decorates his first own christmas tree in his room....and since i dont wanna go out i only show you what i see from my windows and balkony:-)

if you plan to visit MWA...

next year for her potentially great "bloggers of the low countries unite-meet up"...http://mwaonline.blogspot.com/2009/12/low-country-bloggers-unite-or-not.html you better behave nice to the old belgian people you meet along..especially towards the old people who have been trained at the senior self defence academy (http://www.senior-self-defence-academy.be/) these seniors literally kick ass...:-)

i totally love this add..i mean c´mon..show some love and respeckt to our grannies and grandpas..you better do..:-)

for more informations about the low countries blogger unite thingie you can check for that mwas blog at http://mwaonline.blogspot.com/ but be carefull..dont get lost in translation...

its here...its beautiful

play me while reading

the postman didnt ringed twice he didnt ringed at all but when i yesterday checked my mailbox i found a big envelope from the brauns who are the wonderful owners of feigenblat magazine...so there it was (along with a pretty vintage postcard: no, thats not the g-spot)..black on white..my life..written with heartblood spread over several pages ....what can i say? the magazine, one if not THE leading german magazine in erotica , is beautifuly edited as always ...great pieces by both known and new writers along with toy-presentations, book- and art-reviews, poetry, essays and seductive picture-editorials....and after reading through it one more time i finally calmed down the storm who was haunting my waterglass during the last days...i dont say i m over it but i guess this will be the last post in which i bother you my dear blogland crew with "subkutan"..i dont know if i ll get all woriied again about it...this story isnt off my mind yet...but i have to move on from that...my bags are much to heavy by now...so i have to let it go...this is my ghost of the former christmas...and i have to change something and move on...i better stop before i go and break my heart...again...

so thank you..lots for suporting me with warm and thoughtful coments and advices when i needed them...

by the way..the dedication under the title means : for x..if x wants it.....

because thats what it is...if you read this..its not only my story but yours too..its us...its whats left of us...

did you...

play me while reading

just a couple more days to go until the new issue of "das feigenblatt" hits the stores...this issue includes my essay "subkutan"...which is all about how i found the love of my life..and lost it again...its not fictional...its real...its also about how i handled the situation afterwards..so..i m a bit scared..i m happy this will be published because i hope it will be like some kind of exorcism...that it will help me to let go..but on the other hand..i m afraid to show the world my naked soul...i m afraid to be judged for what i have done...maybe that fear was encouraged too by this conversation i had with my very best friend:

me: duh..i m really a bit worried about the release of subkutan..
dirk: why?
me: because...its ...i m afraid of getting judged...
dirk: why? i m sure its a beautiful essay and that you put your heart blood in it...why should people judge you for your relationship?
me: well..not exactly for the relationship but for what i ve done...
dirk: what do you mean?
me: well..the things i did after x and me broke up...
dirk: you wrote about that too? are you nuts???????

so you see..i might have reasons to be worried...


i also think a lot about my former lover x...about how we were..about how it all went off hands..the many things we planed..things which will never happen...things i wanted to say ..long before things went bad..but didnt say because of stupid reasons...


did you ever told someone you love her or him?
did you ever said: i need you.
did you ever said: you have changed me and my life
did you ever say: you made me a better person
did you ever said: i wanna spend my life with you


if you have the chance to feel these words..if you have the chance to say them..then do it..dont hesitate..dont be afraid....say it......dont think about it....change your life



hm..even though i m still worried about the readers reaktions..i already like the cover of the new feigenblatt-issue