Sunday, January 10, 2010

music that makes you survive..the day, the night, the storm ...



i spend all day inside...let my thoughts wander around the house...got up...made cafe au lait...cut ripe pineapples open..choped them into pieces...and then drowned them under a flood of wodka in a big old glas jar..there used to be hundreds of raspberry bonbons in that jar..years ago when it still belonged to my aunt..i remember when i was a kid i always became desperate because these delcious little purple thingis sticked together like glue and it was always a fight to get one of them out of the glass...my aunt is dead now...a long time..the jar is still here..many things from my past...habitts, traditions and material souvenirs are still here..good and bad..they dont leave me...many of you told me that you like my taste in music after my yesterdays post...and i have to tell you that this is something from my past as well..nowadays i like all kinds of musik... rock, opera, folk, pop and electro too..gimme a martini and some good lounge music and i ll be all flirty in a second...but grown up..grown up i am with jazz and blues...with nina..and dinah..with bessie and billie...with cassandra and diana...with all the good soulfull and heartbreaking tunes of the old jazz standarts...jazz and blues..my love for nina simone..is something..maybe the only thing i have from my mother..maybe the only thing aside the strong will we have in common...especially our adoration for nina simone...the day nina simone died my mother hanged a framed picture of her on the wall and lightet a candle too..she loved her..had met her several times and never became tired to speak about how great nina was live on stage...my mother would make big round eyes and put her hands left and right on her swaying hips to show how, tipsy almost drunk, nina entered the stage..sat down at the piano..play a few tones..then stand up again..start to tell hown she had forgotten her dress in the taxi...how she would call the taxi service and how it was impossible to finde that dress...had anyone seen it..no?..back to the piano...she would start to sing..one or two verses..then she might change her mind..or simply forget the lyrics and start to play another song..maybe two..then she would stand up again..did i already told you about..oh yes..i see...well..i see you there ..are you here on your own honey?..damn..you are sweet baby..nina would smile at the young man ...and so on..like i said my mom never got tired of speaking about nina simone...

for me the music of nina and dinah and billie goes along with a drink..with joy and pain..with tears in need to be dried...but tears dry on their own and all you need is a glas and some good old nina simone...i m grown up with her voice..the piano..my mother played her where ever we lived...back then i didnt knew anything about nina and her music and its meaning..i didnt knew i would hold on to whiskey and cry on the kitchenfloor..i didnt knew i would sit in a taxi driving through new orleans with nina playing on the radio..i didnt knew i would grow up and play nina simone when i d cook for my dinnerparties...i didnt knew anything back then...all i knew was that it was a good day when my mother were standing in the kitchen, singing "summertime" or "here comes the sun" or when she was sitting in her studio working on a painting or a design and gently hummed along the tunes of " i want a little sugar in my bowl"..."the ginhouse blues" or "you can have him" were signs that the day wasnt that good at all and that i d better be a invisible kid until moms mood would brighten up...those days is were when her mood would be mean and angry..but still nina would make it right somehow...on those days i would find my mother in her bedroom..in front of her mirror table...she would smoke a lot and her glass would have no break and would never be empty..she put on her best dresses..walk up and down the room, cut curls from her hair and look out of the window...
danielle she would say and her tongue would be sharp like broken glas animals...i was only 5 or 6..i didnt know anything about beeing depressive or heartbroken..danielle she would say...isnt your mommy the most beautiful mommy in the world???...and all i knew was that i d better smile and say yes yes yes..my mommy is the most beautiful mommy in the world...that was all i knew..i didnt knew that by the age of 13 i wouldnt be allowed anymor eto call her mommy...because, she said, to have such an old son would make her look way too old...

nina simone is all i kept...and dinah..and bessie as well as billie and all the others...because that and a stiff drink..is what brings me trough many days..nights & storms

43 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

You are lucky I do not have your telephone number right now because I would call you and I would tell you yes! Me too! My mother was depressed and horribly so and she would cry and lock herself in her bedroom and I would stand on the other side of the door with my little brother (he swears this never happened)and listen to her weep and scream. She did not drink. My father did though. The one we fled from in the middle of a cold winter night.
I would tell you all of that and I would mostly ask to listen to your stories, see your mother, hands on hips, swaying, singing, as you tell it.
And I would say to you: Danielle- she was supposed to be taking care of YOU. I am sorry that she wasn't well enough to do that. It makes me so very, very sad. And I know how a mother like that can be with you forever, as solidly as your aunt's candy jar, as real as Nina's voice, as hot as whiskey in a glass.
And I would say, "It's okay. It's going to be okay. I promise."

Petit fleur said...

Big hugs from across the puddle... I feel this.

peace to you Danielle.
xo pf

Marina said...

Big hugs, sweetie. I love it when you write like this. I love the jazz and blues as well - it has meaning and honesty and authentic emotion, passion and pain, like your writing! Thank you for sharing, thank you for weathering the storm, for being strong!

Craig Sorensen said...

This must be such a difficult place to traverse, Danielle. I know how music can be a comfort, and the songs you chose represent the intense feelings so well.

All the best to you.

Geeks in Rome said...

Music can cut and it can make you heal. I hope you can find solace and healing in your life. I'm so sorry your mom manipulated you like that. It breaks my heart.

Jo said...

Oh, yes. What they said.

x

Mwa said...

And a big hug from me too! (Another one with a mother who would get depressed and mean.)

Janine Ashbless said...

Depression is an awful, awful thing. I'm so sorry your mother pulled you you down that dark road with her, and I feel hope that you've found your own road since. All my best Danielle: wishing you peace and clarity and love.

Danielle said...

i know..usually i coment on every coment ..but this time..i simpy cant because..its the first tie i wrote open about this mom/son thing..i actually didnt éxpected this reaction of yours..all these warm and wonderfull words...actually i just wantet to write about nina..but while i did i saw its impossible to do that without writing about my mother..and somehow i was tired of pretending its all fine..or not to talk about my mother at all and leaving the impression its all fine...well..its not..i dont talk to my mother since years...there it is..out...i dont talk to my mom and i have no dad because he went back to brazil ages ago and yes i ahve a big family but no parents..sigh*..i fell better now and i m so thank full for all what you said...

ms moon...

petit fleur...

marina...

craig...

geeksinrome...

jo...

mwa...

and janine...

thank you all for beeing here last night..bringing me solace...warmth...strength...nina didnt had to sing last night,....

Anonymous said...

Irremiamafrop, clomid online Trereewaype, [url=http://www.webjam.com/clomidonline]buy clomid[/url] zoottebonry
23

Steph(anie) said...

Thank you for this. Really.

Anonymous said...

I just found the website who reviews about
Several
home business reviews

If you want to know more here it is
home business opportunity

Marta L. said...

Danielle ♥

Anonymous said...

I want not concur on it. I over polite post. Specially the appellation attracted me to be familiar with the intact story.

P.S. Haven said...

Hey, Danielle. Just wanted to drop in and say this was a touching post. I can relate. For me it's the Everly Brothers and Linda Ronstadt.

May said...

Danielle,
I am just sitting here so quiet. Here you have shown us you whole again, and written it so beautifully. I needed some Nina Simone today. Thank you for that, but most especially for your words and stories. That is all I have to say, because you made me feel so very quiet.

Allegra Smith said...

Here, take my hand. I think you and I can sit quietly and say nothing because at times like this, words are truly superfluous.

Remember Rainer Maria Rilke?
"I have my dead and I have let them go and was amazed to see them so contented, so at home in being dead, so cheerful, so unlike their reputation. Only you return; brush past me, loiter, try to knock against something, so that the sound reveals your presence. Oh don’t take from me what I am slowly learning."

So many things die without the help of Death. But they linger and loiter in our memory and we need to open windows and listen to music and find a hand to hold ours, the smallest the better, as those of a child who still have an entire life to slowly learn, hopefully never the lessons that continue to bring sadness to us, like raining days and Mondays so the song tells, do.

I am sending you love from here. Take what you want and pass it along. What good can love be unless we share it?

Demure Lemur said...

So sad. So beautiful. I grew up with a depressive father. Our stories are so different, yet so much the same x

Anonymous said...

Genial post and this fill someone in on helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you as your information.

Danielle said...

thank you for all your coments again...i m still not..ready to really speak about how this all has touched and moved me ..because i didnt expectet so many wonderful coments on this subject..for now just thank you...

Anonymous said...

woodsesty, levitra online, DinoEndorgo, http://virb.com/levitraonline levitra online, twepitiencisy, order levitra, thaccumence, http://www.protopage.com/orderlevitra levitra

Anonymous said...

TexanyThync, viagra tramadol zithromax carisoprodol buy cialis, piluerryMer

Anonymous said...

NottSoona, http://buy-viagra.viviti.com/ buy viagra, Emorneror, buy viagra, FlalgeWheerve, http://vigrx.viviti.com/ vigrx, fluerderwal, vigrx, uttequich, http://proextender.viviti.com/ penis enlargement, Baharonsrah, penis enlargement, Snagimmaphgax

Anonymous said...

Wonknorge, http://forum.dotnetpanel.com/members/valium.aspx, GonteeneProky, byt valium online, lowlHetuela

Anonymous said...

Wonknorge, http://forum.dotnetpanel.com/members/valium.aspx, GonteeneProky, valium online, lowlHetuela

Anonymous said...

HeenseFlannenhttp://pettags.com/forum/members/BuyXanaxOnline.aspx xanax, Emicysime, http://pettags.com/forum/members/BuyPhentermineOnlineUSApprovedPharmacy.aspx, RahRoaday, http://pettags.com/forum/members/Soma-Without-Prescription-Overnight-Shipping.aspx, darlliakrew, http://pettags.com/forum/members/valium-Cheap-Valium-Buy-Valium-Online.aspx, Insowsjaw, xanax online, ownererry, Phentermine online, AsydayPal, soma online, AboneeVek

Anonymous said...

estaliBriesty, tramadol, bealiaVet, buy cheap tramadol, Hifavamom, order tramadol, dofafforp, byu tramadol online, MatBultapetle

Anonymous said...

Диета приустановки стента в пищевод
Белкова диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/kak-ubrat-zhivot-ob-rtyvaniem.html]Как убрать живот об ртыванием[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-seksualno-aktivnogo-muzhchiny.html]Диета сексуально активного мужчины[/url]

Anonymous said...

Диета приустановки стента в пищевод
Белкова диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/kak-ubrat-zhivot-ob-rtyvaniem.html]Как убрать живот об ртыванием[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-seksualno-aktivnogo-muzhchiny.html]Диета сексуально активного мужчины[/url]

Anonymous said...

Диета приустановки стента в пищевод
Белкова диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/kak-ubrat-zhivot-ob-rtyvaniem.html]Как убрать живот об ртыванием[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-seksualno-aktivnogo-muzhchiny.html]Диета сексуально активного мужчины[/url]

Anonymous said...

Диета приустановки стента в пищевод
Белкова диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/kak-ubrat-zhivot-ob-rtyvaniem.html]Как убрать живот об ртыванием[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-seksualno-aktivnogo-muzhchiny.html]Диета сексуально активного мужчины[/url]

Anonymous said...

Диета приустановки стента в пищевод
Белкова диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/kak-ubrat-zhivot-ob-rtyvaniem.html]Как убрать живот об ртыванием[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-seksualno-aktivnogo-muzhchiny.html]Диета сексуально активного мужчины[/url]

Anonymous said...

Диета приустановки стента в пищевод
Белкова диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/kak-ubrat-zhivot-ob-rtyvaniem.html]Как убрать живот об ртыванием[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-seksualno-aktivnogo-muzhchiny.html]Диета сексуально активного мужчины[/url]

Anonymous said...

Диета приустановки стента в пищевод
Белкова диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/kak-ubrat-zhivot-ob-rtyvaniem.html]Как убрать живот об ртыванием[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-seksualno-aktivnogo-muzhchiny.html]Диета сексуально активного мужчины[/url]

Anonymous said...

drugs uk [url=https://flavors.me/nadobabla#1d5p]priligy usa[/url] [url=https://flavors.me/googlegavno#0g9s]cheap kamagra[/url] medication tablets online phy clomid pharmacy for sale uyk purchase kamagra clomid cost strattera no prescription atarax without prescription UK nmo

Anonymous said...

drugs uk [url=https://flavors.me/nadobabla#1d5p]priligy usa[/url] [url=https://flavors.me/googlegavno#0g9s]cheap kamagra[/url] medication tablets online phy clomid pharmacy for sale uyk purchase kamagra clomid cost strattera no prescription atarax without prescription UK nmo

Anonymous said...

generic priligy UK [url=http://ataraxhere.eklablog.com/#8w7w]buy atarax[/url] [url=https://flavors.me/sildenafil_citrate_in_connecti#0s8g]buy kamagra online with paypal in Singapore[/url] [url=http://priligyhere.eklablog.com/#3j3q]priligy without prescription[/url] qpf ysj generic kamagra strattera usa kamagra prescription online clomid atarax pharmacy for sale cza

Anonymous said...

generic priligy UK [url=http://ataraxhere.eklablog.com/#8w7w]buy atarax[/url] [url=https://flavors.me/sildenafil_citrate_in_connecti#0s8g]buy kamagra online with paypal in Singapore[/url] [url=http://priligyhere.eklablog.com/#3j3q]priligy without prescription[/url] qpf ysj generic kamagra strattera usa kamagra prescription online clomid atarax pharmacy for sale cza

Anonymous said...

generic priligy UK [url=http://ataraxhere.eklablog.com/#8w7w]buy atarax[/url] [url=https://flavors.me/sildenafil_citrate_in_connecti#0s8g]buy kamagra online with paypal in Singapore[/url] [url=http://priligyhere.eklablog.com/#3j3q]priligy without prescription[/url] qpf ysj generic kamagra strattera usa kamagra prescription online clomid atarax pharmacy for sale cza

Anonymous said...

generic priligy UK [url=http://ataraxhere.eklablog.com/#8w7w]buy atarax[/url] [url=https://flavors.me/sildenafil_citrate_in_connecti#0s8g]buy kamagra online with paypal in Singapore[/url] [url=http://priligyhere.eklablog.com/#3j3q]priligy without prescription[/url] qpf ysj generic kamagra strattera usa kamagra prescription online clomid atarax pharmacy for sale cza

Anonymous said...

generic priligy UK [url=http://ataraxhere.eklablog.com/#8w7w]buy atarax[/url] [url=https://flavors.me/sildenafil_citrate_in_connecti#0s8g]buy kamagra online with paypal in Singapore[/url] [url=http://priligyhere.eklablog.com/#3j3q]priligy without prescription[/url] qpf ysj generic kamagra strattera usa kamagra prescription online clomid atarax pharmacy for sale cza

Anonymous said...

generic priligy UK [url=http://ataraxhere.eklablog.com/#8w7w]buy atarax[/url] [url=https://flavors.me/sildenafil_citrate_in_connecti#0s8g]buy kamagra online with paypal in Singapore[/url] [url=http://priligyhere.eklablog.com/#3j3q]priligy without prescription[/url] qpf ysj generic kamagra strattera usa kamagra prescription online clomid atarax pharmacy for sale cza

Anonymous said...

generic priligy UK [url=http://ataraxhere.eklablog.com/#8w7w]buy atarax[/url] [url=https://flavors.me/sildenafil_citrate_in_connecti#0s8g]buy kamagra online with paypal in Singapore[/url] [url=http://priligyhere.eklablog.com/#3j3q]priligy without prescription[/url] qpf ysj generic kamagra strattera usa kamagra prescription online clomid atarax pharmacy for sale cza