Monday, December 27, 2010
i rarely dream of songs...but when i woke up about two minutes ago i ha dthis song in mind and you can not believe how gratefull i was to finde it on youtube just to let you know...whats in my mind...
my christmas was kinda sad...right before the christmas eve i lost someone...someone i loved and liked a lot...i know i know...i promised to come to see you..and didnt came for a long time...because of so many reasons..the way so far..the work...the fear...the shame...and most of all: because there was still time...in knew i couldt get over it and come to see you tomorrow..next week..next month for sure i d make it..i d come..i d sit in your living room...i d hold your hands...the hands that brushed hair out of my forehead when i was a little boy..hands which were all old and soft now...i would look out of the window and see my own 5 year old me run down the green towards the wall at the end of the garden...there where we burried the cat and the turtle in a festive Ceremony....one of the last times we truly met you hugged me close...a rather hard thing since i m so much taller now....and you said: come over soon will you? and bring that book..the diary...and i said yes..yes i d come for sure...yes i d drink tea from your good china..yes i d bring that book you were longing to read...and i never came...i never saw the waves again....and now you are gone...with a whisper of the wind...last night i kneed in the darkness of my room...my hands fumbling through the darkness of my closet..until my fingers found the book you longed to read...the silky wrap felt cool and old against my fingers...which made me think of a funeral i went to long ago....a funeral of a friend...one of the most creative minds i ever met...found at home..dead..floating in the bathtub...i didnt knew anybody at this funeral...your funeral....i saw your parents talking to the priest..your mother shaking from tears...your friends..a group to the left...your parents hatet your friends and accused them to be responsible for your death...the didnt knew i wasnt one of them...and so your mothers eyes rested cool and cold like two little stones on me when i walked towards your coffin to reach out..but i couldnt touch it..to touch this smooth honeycolored wood would mean its real..you were dead for real....so i walked back to my place...all the eyes on me...i could hear them friends of yours whisper...they didnt knew me but knew my face from the magazine i wrote for back then...my whitened face next my high brow tongue in cheek column about all these things that were important back then..they knew that you were knowing me...and somehow i felt all wet and dirty ..for beeing there..for beeing that weird person inbetween the groups...i wrapped my fingers arround a book i had in the pocket of my coat..a small book..so tiny and thin..poetry...i had introduced you to that book years ago the way i was introduced to it myself by my uncle so long ago...walt whitmans leaves of grass...back in that summer night when we had read it..discussed it and drank this really cheap and sweet wine because back then this was what young creative people like us would drink...i remember one morning in your apartment in cologne..when i woke up early and rised from the sofa...the windows were all foggy and moist and my fingers would leave wet prints on the windows surface...there is a picture of you glued in one of my diaries..not even a real one but a photokopie..all grainy and black and white and i could stand up right now and touch the lines of your face...the face i glued inthere so long before you died...long befor ethe change came..long before the tide of your little bathtub would wash over your face and let you dissapear underneath the reflections of the waters surface....i know how i clutched? my fingers around that book while i sat there and listened to teh priests words..well..i didnt..i didnt listen at all...i sat there and looked inside myself and thought of you...and how i couldnt beolieve that you are dead already..somehow i was sure that all of this was a huge joke..your way to punish me for not answering your letters for so long...somehow i was sure that you was there..hidden somewhere and watching us...and as soon as i would believe you are dead you would jump out of your hideaway and scream: surprise....and i would feel all silly and laugh nervously and all these people..who of course werent real friends or family but actors..would laugh too just as if this wouldn have been the best joke ever...but of course that didnt happen...and when it was time to bring you outhere into the graveyard..i rose when your parents walked on by...there was a huge gap between your family and your friends who followed your coffin...and i longed so intensly for a hand to hold..the way one longs for a drink...i felt so missplaced there in this empty space between the people who were important in your life...and i barely couldnt see anything though the tears that clouded up inside me..and so i just focused on the heels of the girl that walked in front of me..i followed these heels the whole way..i didnt saw anything..i just followed her shoes and suddently i stood in front of your grave and looked down on your coffin...clumpsy i fumbled arround and took the book out of my pocket and laid it on your coffin which was half in the hole already....and i remembered how we once danced in that small cafe near the old market....how we spinned arround and how free we were and how i was all brave and hold your hand and made my arm with you stretch out in a big dramatic hollywood gesture and bowed you down until your hair almost touched the floor underneath a thousnad small garden lights...and how all the people looked at us full of admiration because we were young and careless...and becaus ethey didnt knew any better then that...they didnt knew there was darkness ahead of us...they didnt knew that you would die in your bathtub all by yourself...they didnt knew i would stand by your grave and leave a book full of fading words on your coffin...they didnt know because when one is young and beautiful and careless one seems to be immortal too ... the last time we saw each other was at a bistro in cologne...you were so sad that day...and i assured you that this will pass too..and i went away and before i walked out of the bistro i turned arround and looked at you and gave you that smile that was meant to encourage you...i dint knew back then how i would think of you now..that when ever i take a bath and the water starts to get cold..the foam starts to fade i think of you...washed away like the little mermaids body...in a flush of cold soapy waves...
i dont know why i wrote about all this...i actually wante dto write about the dream i had...last night...i have been always a very intense dreamer...beautiful and scary dreams...dreams which i turned into stories...and i just realised how symbolic that is that i turned some of them into stories and publishe dthem..that i sold my dreams in a way...but thats another subject i think..the thing is that i never was able to know that i was dreaming...when i dream i always think its real..once when i was 5 years old i dreamed that i walked through a cornfield...but instead of corn there where small field mouses/mice growing out of the weeds...small little mice with redish fur...i colected and picke dthem all ..i filled my pyjamas piockets with these small and wooly creatures and it made me so happy..and then i woke up and found myself in tears..my pyjama didnt had pockets in real...
there are a few places in my past i cant go back too...places and houses i m banned from..by shame and fear.....i cnat go back because i decided to walk away and a thing i learned very early is that its much easier to leave a room then to walk back in...and last night i dreamed i was back in one of these houses where i have been so happy when i was young...a place taht belonged to my dad after he left my mother and where i would visit him every now and then during summer...it was a old farm and many people..all arty and hippie-like lifed there...kids where there too and i hate dthem so much for having my daddy arround every day while i would be so far away...there was this huge room....its a particular room in a farmhouse but i dont know the english word...i m not sure if i know even the german word..everyone called it the tenne..a room which was important while harvesting...so every now and then they would set up huge tables there...bread would be baked...people would come..to eat and drink...connor would play his guitar...and everyone would sing and dance all night while the children would run in and out of the house..in to grab something to eat and out into the summer night again to hunt each other over the yard and to search for fireflies....last night i wa sthere..and my dad and his back then gilrfriend guided me arround the house....like i was a foreigner...the houses floor somehow were covered withnautumn leaves which made a weird sound under my feet with every step...they brought me into a room...and explained to me that every person who would visit this place would bring a piece of wood or an piece of art to poay for food and fun that night...and suddentky i knew i was dreaming...i turned arround..and suddentoly in was in the old chappel of the house..by now the dried leaves were already up till my knees...and i looked at the windows with the poainted on saints....and i suddently was holding my camera...and let it drop..because i knew with a silent stab into my heart that my pyjama has no pockets...and the moment i thought of this the world turned upside down for a moment and suddently i stood at the road again..again i was walking towards the house...with a lot of people..the all met in front of the gate (the lights in the tenne were already glowing and music was playing) and everyone would take someones hand and walk through the gate...i of course walked through it all by myself...an dthe lights fade away and i woke up....and while i woke up i dreame dof this song....you never see it it coming somehow...all of this has slipped through my hands...my hands which are so big now...so big that they can pretend that they dont need to be hold...i leave things behind so they can not leave me behind...you and me..we will never be the same again...i just got up to make tea..and outside the snow was falling again..and it was all cold outside...and somehow it is all cold inside me today too...my soul wants to wrap its arms around it self to keep it warm but it doesnet work...an di didnt made tea but poured myself a drink...and i know how it makes me look like in your eyes...that lonely silly man..morning drinking..hanging on to his dreams of far away places...but what can i do?..no one can get out of his skin...if i was smart i would run away again..but i cant..i m not..and i guess i ll stay...my pyjama has no pockets you know....and we ll never be the same again..hold me today in your thoughts...god knows i need it...no matter how strong and big these hands look like...when they say they dont need someone to hold them they lie..dont believe them...just put your hand in mine..
Thursday, December 23, 2010
while i work i did baked cookies the last two days...which means...both writing and making cookies...baking..and while they bake i run back to work...so..here are some pics...the last ones i ll load up before christmas ...i dont know if i can steal the ytime to come to your blog or send an email to wish you a merry christmas...because tiomorrow i ll work AND will cook AND entertain my little family...but..you know i ll think of you...you are in my heart like all of my real life friends are...right now i m lost out there in this world full of dark and velvety stories...i m also lost in the snow white world...but no matter where i am..you are the red thread that guides me back into real life...have a merry christmas all of you....
here are some of the cookies i made...uhm..cinnamon stars..
Monday, December 13, 2010
nope..i m not sick..whole germany is sick..but not me..not this time..i m all good..asid ethat i pulled a nerve in my back recently which wasnt that dramatic..just uncomfortable...and meant i had to work..in bed..laying flat..laptop on my belly..damn...that wasnt much fun..
talking about work..im just drowning in it...most of it is the book aka THE BOOK...i was meant to finish it by the end of november which i didnt made..luckily i got more time by my publisher so i m not stressed out by the deadline yet...right now i m working on the last sentences of a very "moralistic" story...about a room with a view..about desiring something far away and forgetting over it how good it is what you already got...desire burns..love hurts...havent i written that story allready a million times??? sigh*..i let the bad ones in and the good ones go...its so hard to love like you have never been hurt before....to be as happy as if you are indistructable
i also had to write a few tons of articles...had to finish my first article for the brand new mind magazin as well as several pieces for the next issue of p.o magazine about sex&buddhism (for which i interviewed neo-buddhist icon brad warner), about cougars and why young men are the new black (for which i spoke to the new york time bestseller authors susan mcbride & jane ganahl..both ladies were very smart and sharp in mind..), also wrote a review which i rarely do...about the new reese witherspoon movie how do you know?...and i also co-wrote a piece about tattoos...ell i added advice about how nto care properly for new done tattoos as well as i put out my top ten list of germany best tattooartists...which is because in another life..i did tattoos in the tattoostudio of a friend....so..oh wait..there was another article i wrote for that issue..about constance mcmillen and her case ...you who are living inthe united states for sure know about constance but her ein germany almost no one knows about it so..i wanted to change that....i also had to finish a political essay for a newspaper and some sex-education piece for a parents magazine about how to be a responsible parent and speak open, honest and succesfull with your teenager kids about sexuaity...i know..no oen wnats to think of his children as hormonal timebombs..but they are..and in time sof hiv and othe rthings you really have to help them to be able to work responsible with their own awakening
so..that was that...dont think i have forgotten about you...dont think i dont miss you..its just workworkwork.....
oh and i just noticed its eyecandy monday..so i turn this into political mancandy monday....and who could be more of a political mancandy then barry??? you know that i dont do anything without a reason..and my reason is the recent situation in america and how about o. b is loosing much of his power...people are loosing faith...there was a lot yes we can..and now they want all this yes we can ..right now...there was this hugeeee expecting situation...and people arent happy even so o.b. did already a lot...i dont wanna hurt any americans feeling but..your country has a mountain of problems to move...and o.b. promised change..but change needs time...so you should give that man the time he needs for proofing that he is the man he promised to be...i wanna use a line from the tv show scrubs for this:o.b. isnt a ..and he cant do all this on his own..he needs your support..you know...i also would be all in for hill dog in the white house but still...i know i know..i m in germany..but truth is that american politic affects the whole world...so it has an effect on ym world too..and i do LOVE your president..truly ..i wish we had some o.b. on our own here in germany....so..next election..think about the fact that a cross on a map is where a treassure is hidden..or to mark a special spot...make your cross special by putting it next to a special person on that map of america...
..and how could you not love a man who can dance like this??? i know you do!...love him like you have never been hurt before...let your faith be indistructable
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
so...its almost 1:30 in the morning/night...but i m still awake cause the book aka THE BOOK keeps me from sleeping...again i m lost in a storyline...i listen to this song the whole time because the video matches so perfectly for the setting of my story...a palace ..in the desert...desert storms...the sands of time flow...passion...tension...a mann...and a woman who isnt what she pretends to be...visions of long gone events and times...a mase underneath the sand..a man who dont knows anymore if he can trust in what he sees and feels...the desert at night...lightning...the sand who whispers...
i m just about to line the plot out but damn i already love this story...its so intense and i try to capture my own experiences about the desert...thefirst time i went to the desert was when i was still a kid...with my mother...we made somekind of desert safari and slept in a huge beduinstyle tent and by night i heard the desert sing and move..the sand shifting from here to there..that raspy sound..i ll never forget it...years alter i wnet to the desert again...in north africa...while my friends would stay all day at the pool and the beach i went into the desert everyday...i can not tell you how it felt like...the desert does something to the human mind...it makes you think..it makes your thoughts run..i felt like i was loosing my mind in the deserts heat and its burning light...you cant hide nothing from the desert....i so hope that i can carve this story out of my mind the way i feel and "see" it...only the thought of it leaves me wanting and thirsty with dry lips...my muses kisses taste like salt tonight and she brings the smell of the desert winds in her hair...this story is by far the most intense and capturing for this book so far...
oh this book...did i mention that it is so differnet from anything i ever wrote??? the stories...the subjects...they are much darker then my usual tales...the writing style is still mine but different from my usual work...if this book was a baby it would have eyes like burning coals and hair as black and glossy as the wings of an raven....
oh..and even though i m so in love with this book..i have to admit that i already betrayed? it...as you might remember i promised i would write nothing else until this book is done...but...when i had the possibility to indulge in casual sex..i just couldnt hesitate...especially because casual sex is the subject of my new column for a brandnew lifestyle magazin called "MIND"....which is extremly cool and i simply couldnt resist from becoming their new columnist...so..thats all for tonight...evil women in the nightly desert...and new columns....i soon will tell you more about mind and my work with them..so..stay tuned
oh..and dont forget to join in my little contest which whil still run till friday before i pick a winner for another issue of p.o.-magazine
Friday, November 19, 2010
today i got an email from Mwa that the magazine she won just had arrived and that she cant wait to read it cover to cover...which reminded me that just the other day the new issue of P.O-magazine has hit the news agent as well as of course me...
this time its all about exotic countries...and..harem girls...i wanted to write for quite a while about the subject of modern day harems and while i still was collecting ideas and historic bits and pieces i stumbled over Jillian Lauren who isnt just a funny and smart woman but also a bloody good writer and while i read her book i decided more and more to leave my own story behind and review her book and talk to Jillian instead..
which i did last month...in the middle of a booktour as well as finishing her next novel she took the time to talk to me about her life and expiriences...and believe me she didnt hesistate to answer all my questions:-)
and again i ll give away a free magazine..or two..or three..depending on how many i ll have...all you have to do to win is to coment right here...and tell me in a few words how you imagine life as a harem girl....or a harem boy...dont be shy..:-)
i ll run this little contest until next friday..so you have quite some time to put your name into my fedora
Friday, November 12, 2010
you have no idea how much i love apocalyptica..and also gavin..so..that song of course was just perfect to put me in the mood for that story...i just searched my way through its storyline...oh you willlove it..i m sure...:-)
and after the whole day in such dark places in felt like doing something bright and nice..sometimes i do weird things..for example...ah its so hard to tell this because it might sound so silly to you...well..i walk through the city..and throw pennie son teh streets..i hold them for a while..and wish that they bring luck to the person who finds and picks the penny up..i know it sounds silly! but..so i make lucky-pennies sometimes....the whole week was so gray and wet and everyone is complaining they do feel alone and unloved and ..winterdepression..you know? smart people call it season depending unwell feeling..can actually be cured easily with a visit to the tanning salon...its light what you guys need...anyway..it was far too wet for licky pennies today..so i thought i make one of these thingies..and hang it up in the library on the messageboard...just look at it..its too hard to explain it in english..but when i came by later on..three where already missing...:-) which is a good sign i guess...it reads: i love you..never forget that someone loves you...it might sound silly..but..i guess it can give some lonely soul a bit of solace on a rainy gray day...
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
i write and publish stories and books since i was about 9..well..i published my first story in a kids magazine when i was about ten but i startet writing very early..back then there wasnt any savety..no one was afraid that something would happen to kids whos names and adresses where exposed and so it was a totally normal thing that my story " fernella the unpleaseant unicorn " was printed in a certain childrens magazine with my name and my adress under it..i, of course, was ver yproud of that story (which was really really bad..i mean..its about a unicorn with bad mood ..what can one expect from such a storyline?) and i was so delighted with it that i carried the magazine with me everywhere i mean..everywhere..to school, to the playground (well tahts a lie because i never went to a playground until i was about 16..so..but i prefer the imagination that i would have took it there as well), into the museum..i even ate and slept with it..i was lirary married to that magazine....until the day the pink-blue-orange letter with star-stickers arrived ( no joke, i still have it) from a reader of that magazine..her name is..uhm..doesent matter...sher wrote to me that my story was total crap and boring an dthat there are not such things as unpleasant unicorns and she knows everything bette rthen me becaus eshe was already a year older...of course i was crushed on the floor..under my magazine...but i learned that not everybody likes what i do..and so it kept on going..when you put yourself outhere you become a public person..you get judged and you get cricics too...you get also mail...i get tons of emails every month...nice emails from people who like me to know that the ylove my work..that it changed their thinking or even their (sex)lives like that couple who tried for years to have female ejaculation but failed until they tried it the way i discribed it in my sex-education-essay about gushing...i also get a lot mean mail..mostly anonymous...people who think i should burn in hell for the dirty dirty stuff i write...i cna deal with that..its differnet...they judge me but dont know me...i couldnt care less...
but yesterday..i came home from an apointment with a fellow writer who i met a while ago...arround half past midnight...an di wanted to check my blog befor ei go to bed..and there was this anonymous coment...the coment was about me and one of my regular visitors/comenteers/friends here...it was a bit strangly and i didnt really understood what the person wanted to tell me but it had something..i dunno..there were all kinds of warnings in it..which had a rather threatening effect on me...and it was so out here in my blog home...and it felt totally differnet from all the emails i get from readers..because this blog is..me...this blog is like an extension to my house...its like a room...like..hall..first door:kitchen..next door: bathroom..next door: bedroom: next door:BLOG....you know what i mean? i know here are many lurkers who never write (and i dont have a problem with that) but i feel safe?save? here...all people who come here..jo, ms moon, janine, craig, donna, petit fleur, may, and many many many other people feel like friends to me...talking here feels like we are in a safe/save place where we can interact...comming home to this coment felt like coming home an dfinding that someone was in my house while i was away...nothing is stolen or broken..but clearly someone ate from my plate..slept in my bed...left his/hers handprint on my door....its like in that movie with calls coming in: loook after the children..looook afte rthe children..then you call the police an dthe officer says:oh..mister santiago!! the call came from your own house!!!
that might sounds a bit exagerated but it feels like this somehow..like a drop of blood on my sheets (hm okay..well i only have black and dark pruple bed sheets so i might wouldnt notice such a drop)...or a lipstick mark along my martini glass...
it just dont feels comfortable..and thats why i reaped it here what i said in ym coments: dear anonymus..this is not the place for cryptic coments...i cnat ask you what you menat to say and that feels really uncool..so please..write me an email...tell me what you think...i didnt deleted your coment becaus ei dont care or anything but becaus ethis coment was about rathe rprivate things..i dont wnat it to sit here like a big ugly toad and everyone sees and thinks about it...so..i m sure you have my email ..feel free to drop me a line whenever you feel like...
and for you my lovely visitors-friends-readers-comenteers..tell me ...how do you feel about strangers in your house....
Monday, November 8, 2010
so we all know charlotte stein ...what? what do you mean by you dont know charlotte stein aka the mighty viper? go and read a book and dont come back before you finished it and..wait..no no..dont go..stay right here because charlottes new book "control" is out today and even though i havent read it yet i cant wait to get my fingers on it because last year or was it this year?? ah i dont know when it was that i read her first book "things that make me give in" but it doesent matter because i read it 2 or 3 times and i clearly remember what a good and hot and sultry read that book was...short stories which combine all the good stuff which..ahem*..lets say all the good stuf okay? anyway..today comes out her new book which is her first novel length book ever and i m sure its all full of awesome written dirty perfect smut...that and ..hairy men i guess...how i know that without reading it? well...i read charlottes mancandy mondays on a regular and those mondays are always very hairy..anyway..if you need a naughty christmas present for your better half..or want ahot read for yourself you better go and get a copy of control because i m sure that book will be sold out pretty soon...here for you to enjoy a little snipped i sneaked from amazon:
When Madison Morris decides to hire an assistant to help run her naughty bookshop, she gets a lot more than she bargained for. Aggressive Andy doesn't quite make the grade, but continues to push her buttons in other areas, while uptight and utterly repressed Gabriel can't quite take Madison's training techniques. One makes her grasp control, while the other makes her lose it. But the lines are blurring and she's no longer sure who's leading and who's following. In the midst of kinky threesomes and power plays, can Madison work out what she really wants?
oh..and rumors are that charlotte runs a hot little contest on her blog so..see you there...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
mwa..you get that copy of po-magazine...i think you have my email addy ..so..provide me with your snail mail addy and i ll send this hot magazine out to you:-)
for those of you who didnt won..you know i wish i had neough magazines to give one to each of you..but i dont..:-/ BUT..since i decided i will do that now with every issue of po which contains an article by me there will be more free smut:-) actually that will be already next week when the new issue comes out...
Saturday, November 6, 2010
so far are following name sin my head..er*..hat..in ym head fo course too
i hope i missed no one ...if i missed you just scream or email me or send me smoke signs or a post pigeon..whatever..just make me notice that i have missed your name:-)
po-magazine is a awsome adult magazine full of juicy bits and pics about erotic subjects...the right mix of articles, sex education, hot stories and sexy pictures...one copy is still left..a verxy adventerous copy becaus ethis one has been sent to our beloved kristina lloyd not only once but twice and came back!! both times..since kristina has another copy by now this one is back in the ring and cant await to get send out to its new owner...
Friday, November 5, 2010
so that was this...BUT...since i had another! copy of po-magazine in my mail today (yes kristina..number two came back..again!) there will be another winner by tomorrow...so if you comentet already chances are that you win this copy by tomorrow..and if you didnt coment yet you can hurry up and do it now...
if you hop over to the fabolous Kristina Lloyd you can finde out a little bit more about the magazine and the interview i did with her which is includet in this issue...i had a whole lot of fun talking to kristina and asking her all kind of erotic-related things and she really was brave and didnt hesitade from answering me everything...thank you for that kristina:-)
since so many of you comentet for the magazine i m totally tricked into the idea of giving away a free copy of every po magazine i m in from now on..tell me..is that a good idea? are you up for free smut?
so back tomorrow with the next winner
Thursday, November 4, 2010
i know i know..some people say that i m cool and funny...sometimes magazines write flattering things about me ..really flattering things:-) but truth is..when i was a kid...i was far from beeing flattered by anyone...nobody liked me..i was short, thin as a stick, introverted and i was painfully shy and actually AFRAID of other kids...that kept on going until i was like 13 or 14..until then i barely had contact to any other people my age because i really was afraid of them...i would do anything to avoid contact..run away, hide..stay inside..when i had to walk down the street and pass by someone my age..or god forbid..a group of 2-3 ...i would sweat, my heartbeat would explode and i would almost die...nobody really liked me because i was all nerdy and ..differnet..i liked other things then they liked..i read books all the time...i hated soccer...sports in general..everything that involved getting out of my clothes because i also was totally ashamed of my body....other kids tortured me..because i was ugly faced...i was simply wrong..a insult to the society of the cool kids...of course i wasnt...i was wonderful, smart, i was a beautiful creature..but they didnt know that..and i didnt know it either back then...so it doesent seem strange to anyone that i have a big soft spot for the outsiders and underdogs..i always have more love for the unloved one sthen for the popular ones...i rather buy a drink for the girl with the thick glasses then for a cheerleader...no..really....and i m not alone with that idea..someone else who sees it taht way is the wonderful pink aka alecia moore..i mean damn ..i LOVE pink...i totally would love to get drunk with her and build a pepsi/mentos bomb or anything similar silly...and not only that pink looks like a dude..a dude with lipstick that is...but she also seem to be bale to drink like an irish farmer..and makes might fine musik...especially her new song "raise your glass" which si all about the outhsiders, the underdogs and the so not popular ones..please follow me to:
RAISE YOUR GLASS and let me know what you think.... oh the video starts after a 15 second add for some garbage.:-(
oh..and i have a spare copy..i mean..is that the right word...anyway..i have a copy of the recent issue of p.o.-magazine left..inthere my article about female submission and my interview with the awesome kristina lloyd..so if you would like to have that copy ( even if you dont read german that magazine is full of pics to look at..naughty pics that is) then put your name in my hat by comenting and letting me know how you are wrong in all the right ways..
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
so..here my contribution to the eyecandy monday...this time its not a picture..no..its a video...a little movie almost...i know this video for a long time and i love the song...and i totally love these two dancers..artists..who go b ythe name of scotty nguyen & tray shibata and who created the choreography and the setting all by themself and created a intimate and seductive atmosphere...so..there goes my baby..enjoy
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
good excuse..well..as good as every other excuse for beeing late i guess...
i ve been busy all day with getting over my book fear...or better say...pre-book-fear..that the kind of fear you feel before you..well I..start to write a book..the idea of beeing unable to write it or to finish it or the fear of having a writers bloc right in that time...well..that tortured me a bit during the last two months because there is a book i have to..i almost said finished!! which would be totally good..if there is something to finish..its actually that i have to write it and get it in until december..hhahahahah....december!!! but somehow it just happened today that i got over it and suddently i think about the stories..i think about plots...old characters and new ones as well...i found a beautiful totle for the book and also started to write the first story in my head...
the whole book will be...erotica of course...but with a dark twist...like small written film noirs and dedicted to a rather female then male audience/readership...you know..that kind of stories with a lot of passion...but also an air of danger arround it...it bit exotic as well...it will be great...my muse kissed me tonight and i hear my favorites charakter coming back...she ll be arround..in my mind..she leave lipstick marks on cup...shoes on the floor...she plays her songs inside me so i can meet here again somewhere in the dark...
so...and since noir and vintage go along so well i ll give you a vintage eye candy again...its so simple yet so pretty..i just love it...its both seductive but also..innocent in a way..or is it just me who sees that?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
for this post i pick up a subject that has been in the media a lot lately...teenager suicides...gay teenager that is in this case...i guess its hard to be a gay teenager..i guess its hard to be a teenager anyway...its such a sensitive and vulnerable time...and getting bullied by your fellow students dosent make it easier...
now after several teenagers killed themselfes because they were bullied for their sexuality there is a lot going on...for a much better written explanation pleaso go and visit the all time amazing janine ashbless at : http://janineashbless.blogspot.com
they do say it gets better...and the truth is..no matter what it is that you carry arround..if its your own sexuality like in this case...if it is fear, low selfesteem, eating disorders, drugs or any other things that make you feel like you cant go on...it all gets better...you just really have to sit through it..which of course is hard..but possible...sit trough it..grow stronger...dont let them bring you down today..because it will be better ..maybe not tomorrow..but soon
here are some helpfull links for gay or lesbian teenager in the states:
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
hahhaa...what a perfect world that would be...from the equal rights point of view...:-)
this video really made my day..which is awsome since a video send by jo made my night..two outstanding ( i try to avoid the word awsome since yesterday..as well as stop writing awesome) within not even 24 hours...i hadnt have that in agessss...
Monday, October 18, 2010
again i hope its not too late for some monday eye candy...today i have chosen a pic of kate blanchet dressed up as a sexslave/odaliske ..since i m working on an essay about harems in which i also review a book about a modern harem..seen through the eyes of a rock n roll scheherazade i thought that picture of kate in her silky harems pants and all the jewellery is just perfect...especially because its done by one of my all time fav. photoartists annie leibovitz...so..are you with me? did you every wanted to live a dream in a harem...a adventure in onethousandandone night?...did u ever spend a night in the desert and heard the sand swim like a million small butterflywings ?....i once was discribed as a male scheherazade by a former lover i had...why? no..i dont bellydance..:-) but i like to tell stories...i tell stories for a living while scherazade told them to stay alive..and maybe i do that too...about adventures...faraway places...exiting events...interesting people...so if you let me one day we will sit somewhere...drink some wine..look into the fire..and i will tell you a story too...
Friday, October 15, 2010
dont have a pic of my turkey but pics of a rabbit/rabbit legs i recently cooked for a dinnerparty...i dont have a pic of the end result but i made a sauce with cream, wine and ajvar...which was really really good...
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
i m late for monday but who dont likes it hot on tuesday as well...?
i surely do...and the other day (the actual monday) i went with minisantiago1 to the siebengebirge ...a mountain area about two hours away from where i live...we went up on the mountaintop (of a mountain called dragonrock) by a kind of train...and down by feet to visit the dragon castle and to stop in several small tavernas along the way to eat flammkuchen and drink federweißer (a special wine you get only in this time of the year)..and went we strolled further down in the direction of the town i spottet some kind of old uhm "automat" along the way..working like a mini-cinema(which promosed me to have a glimpse at "paris-the paradise of beautiful women)...you put a coin in and looked through two holes just to see enlighted pictures of parisian women..the whole thing was very vintage and so i didnt fear any hard work or money loose just to take picture through those two tiny holes to present you my dear readers some parisian vintage eyecandy...
Monday, September 27, 2010
aside that i mainly well and busy..thats why i come in only shortly today(actually i wante dto make a thank you post but that has to wait till..uhmm..a few more days..dont hate me) and instead of this i join the eyecandy monday for the first time and make your eyes happy with a bbw (which is porn for big beautiful woman) because you know me..i like curves...not exclusively but especially ..so viva la big girl:-)
Friday, September 10, 2010
so..usually i dont do this...i really dont...i never do..speak about my birthday or announce it..that is...and i wanted to do it this way again this year..but someone* told me how awful people are who hide their b-days or keep them undercover...i dont have a problem with getting older..i see it pretty much as what it is..a natural process....but having my b-day doesent mean much to me..that might have reasons back in ym childhood but in generell its just not an important day...since midnight my phone delievers sms from family and friends who want to be the first to say happy b day danielle...and i love texts and stuff..but...i dont feel birthdayish..i never do..i m never exited or anything about this day...maybe i dont have the b-day-gen....
but still...even though i had other plans i ll have some friends over at my place tomorrow...i ll have fun and a good time..maybe i ll even call it a b-day celebration...but there will be no snoby fancy schmancy dinner ..there will be pizza and beer..yes..me! pizza and beer because i dont feel like standing in the kitchen and prepare a 3 or 4 course meal like i usually do for dinnerparties... i just wanna have a good time and talk a bit...have some drinks...my actual plan was to spend the night on my own at my fav sushi place and eat as much california rolls as i could...but hey..there will be more b-days to do that:-)
now that its time to go back to bed...i might be a bit exited ...not that i would admit that..but maybe i really am..not particulary about my b-day...but about that new decade which is to come...about new people i ll meet..about new places i ll see...about things i ll leave behind me...and about the good things which are in front of me waiting to be discovered...there are a few blogland people too who i so would like to have at my house tomorrow...for drinks..for food and all night long talking...for sure...i ll think of you:-)
ha..i m loading a pic of a b-day cake up to illustrate this post...which reminds me of my cousin ninas b-day a few years ago..back when i wasnt able yet to bake..i always was good at cooking but never was a baker..i am still not a good one...my cousin dirk is the bakery magican...and so back then i made a huge onion pizza for my cousin nians b-day as a replacement for a cake..with her name on it...written with huge pieces of ham and bacon..:-)i wish i still had a picture of that:-)
* that ass-kicking someone , of course, is our beloved jo..:-)
actually i meant to blog since i m back from france..but as you might heared through the wire one of my best friends went through a hard time and i had..have..to be there at her side and give her compassion..hold her hand like i did since a thousand livetimes...from the craddle to the deadbed we allways say..this time we came pretty close to that..but let´s not go there....
lets go to..work!!!
i m busy working on a piece for donnas, shannas and neves awsome project "f-stop" ...i m struggling through the beginning since a while and i m worried that donna almost thinks i dont wanna do it..but i m doing it...i ll strip off my soul layer by layer and show you something you havent seen yet...becausd ethere are things i wanna speak about...no i dont want to but i have to..so i will...
there will be also a new post on my so long neglected " the absinth room blog" ..so i hope you ll come visit me there as well...
aside that i had the pleasure of interviewing two very special and remarkable women lately...one is bestseller author lori gottlieb with who i spoke about how women make their dating- and lovelife harder theirself without realising it..and then i spoke with our wonderfull blogland neighbour kristina lloyd (who is by the way a bestseller author as well because her book "asking for trouble" runs and runs since ten!! years) who really gave me a wonderful time interviewing her and answered very intimate and private questions for my new piece in P.O-Magazin which will be called: The story of a inclination...
aside that there is plenty of work to do ....next week i ll interview susan mcbride and a psychologist about the subject of cougarism (damn..how i dislike teh words milf and cougar...but hey..thats what this phenomenon is called..and i dont dislike the subject itself atb all:-)....
there is a new book contract in my desk which i havent signed yet..sigh*
and there is a ring...this ring belonged to a very very special person...and since her dead ..about 15 years ago..it belongs to me.....but it means a lot to me....in wear it lately with me..under my shirt on a chain..so its close to my heart for a while..because even though this ring means so much to me it will leave me soon..or better say i soon give it away...the person i m giving it too is also very special in many ways..and she dont knows that i ll give her that ring...in one way it makes my heart so heavy...to let it go..but know its the right thing to do..and the person who i ll give it to does so much for my heart and mind...
so..there will be new stories...about naughty and sexy things..there will be new essays about cougars and harems and the anatomie of my own soul...there will be new books...and there will be you and me...
so..before I head back into paperwork...i wanna say thank you so much for the emails and notes i got lately who sheered me up a lot...maybe cheared??? even....especially the words of janine,jo, craig and ms moon meant a lot to me...somehow its true..you can hug someone from a far....
Saturday, July 31, 2010
so..i think i allready wrote about this one before but i have to do it again.."this one" in this case is a book ..a book about literary tattoos...and i m very honored that there is a photo of one of my tattoos included in it as well as a mini piece of me written about the meaning behind my tattoo ...
but lets see what the publishers eva and justin say about this pretty baby:
The Word Made Flesh: Literary Tattoos from Bookworms Worldwide is a guide to the emerging subculture of literary tattoos—a collection of 100 full-color photographs of human epidermis indelibly adorned with illustrations and quotations from Pynchon to Dickinson to Shakespeare to Plath. Beloved lines of verse, literary portraits, and illustrations—and statements from the bearers on their tattoos’ history and the personal significance of the chosen literary work—The Word Made Flesh is part photo collection, part literary anthology written on skin.
In its pages you’ll find favorite lines from novels, illustrations, portraits, and passages of verse; you’ll also find all kinds of testimony about the inspirations behind the tattoos: favorite books of childhood; commemorations of triumphant (or tragic) moments in lives; affirmations of friendship; drunken whims that might have (but didn’t!) become cause for regret; a phrase or an image that just seemed too cool not to keep close forever.
so..why i write about it again has several reasons..first that i m so happy happy happy that i m included in this wonderful project..second that it will come out soon and third..i got the cover !!! isnt it pretty? i totally love it:-)
i mean..i really cant stop looking at it and can not wait to get the book in my fingers..:-)
Friday, July 30, 2010
but i m so deep under a duvet of work..its insane..in an hour mini2 arrives...and on sunday leave to spend some time on a ..well..raft...yes u heard right and i ms till not done with my work..:-( there is so much i want to write about....so much things on my mind...aside all the work that isnt very usefull...especially a special person i miss a lot...thats why a song for you...which fits our situation so well...and which i love so much...
i so wish you could hang with me...as the friends we decided to be ...and to give us the friendship..the support we need...doesent taht song fit so well on us?
Will you tell me once again
how we're gonna be just friends
If you're for real and not pretend
then I guess you can hang with me
When my patience's wearing thin
When I'm ready to give in
Will you pick me up again?
Then I guess you can hang with me
And if you do me right
I'm gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I'm gonna confide in you
I know what's on your mind
there will be time for that too
if you hang with me
hang with me
Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree
Oh you can hang with me
When you see me drift astray
outta touch and outta place
will you tell me to my face?
then I guess you can hang with me
And if you do me right
I'm gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I'm gonna confide in you
I know what's on your mind
there will be time for that too
if you hang with me
hang with me
Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree you can hang with me
Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree
Oh you can hang with me
Hang with me
so my lovely ones...you will not hear much from me during the next weeks because i m away with minis...first the raft..then the beach..then paris..but inbetween i ll come home now and then for a day or two to feed you pictures and words and love from my hands...i m a bit snetimental today..maybe its just the whole work,...and the fact that mini2 comes home today who i havent seen in such a long time..and to know that i have theminis now for a few weeks again together..tht i ll read good night stories to them..that we will cook together...have a great time...go swimming..go to paris...lay on the beach too...that i ll look for them when they sleep...that i ll hav ethem close to my heart again...its a bit..you know...i m just a old sentimental person...and the knowledge of the change...the evolution in me...the travel..the search...if this life is a highway..then my soul is just a car..so maybe i ll just keep on driving...or rather walking like the divine may moon told us to..to walk for our life to become sane, and whole again..to heal and be happy..i think of you all....
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
i m busy finishing two stories...another article and also prepare the questions for two interviews which i ll do pretty soon...each one with a special person/lady and i m sure u´d be exited to read them....so..i keep the good stuff rolling in:-)
asid ethat i enjoy the sun on my balkony...i really do..i love the heat...just suffer under the persons* arround me who suffer under the heat and dont stop to tell me they do...i mean..whats wrong with you guys??? in winter you hate the cold..and want sun..in summer you hate the ehat and want it cool?????
i m also writing on a critical post for this blog..involviong a crytical view on certain society related things...i hope to finish it today..its not very long..its just the problem that i dont have enough time...damn...anyway...u ll hear me later...:-)
* you should go and ask ms moon how it is to liove somehwere where its really hot AND humid...not just the bit warmth we have here in germany
Thursday, July 8, 2010
cooking like whores..that is! pasta to be exact...
and where do the whores cook the best pasta? yes..italy of course..where else? first i wanted to write a little erotic intro about a prostitute in sicily..about the narrow and pictureske street she lives in..the bordello with its old and crooked stairways...the room with the narrow bed and the small window which leads out the backyard..red flowers on her window bench and a thin dog who lives in a shet behind the house...
BUT..i dont have time for that intro today so i just go straight to one of my fav pasta dishes pasta alla puttaneska...my grandma teached me how to cook this..she went with her sisters to italy each summer when they where still young girls..back then when it was very chic to go to italy for summer..to rome, capri and the costiera amalfitana....since my grandma and her sisters where total ladies they were shocked when the yfound out the meaning of " alla puttanesca" but still they were already under the spell of this spicey and simple dish..and so they would sit in the restaurants and just write it down intead of saying it..not looking at the waiter..blushing and bursting into laughter as soon as the waiter would leave their table...
if you ask one how this dish got its name u will get many answers...some will tell you its because the italian whores invented it because its quickly done so they were able to cook it between two clients....others will tell you its because the prostitutes werent allowed to go shopping before night and when all " good women" already had been shopping their groceries...so they ha dto buy what was left..but thats not true...to go back to the real deal about the pasta alla puttanesca we have to go back in time to sicily..actually its a typical dish of the so called cucina povera..the "poor kitchen or kitchen of the poor?"...back then..in 1950 the bordellos and whorehouses used to be property of the state/country...they were called " case chiuse" which means "locked/closed house" because the doors had to be closed all the time to prevent the neighbours from beeing hurt or terrified by the sinfull life of the whores..the normal italian housewife goes to teh market everyday to buy all the things she needs to feed her bambinies fresh and nice..but the "state employes" couldnt do that..their time was so limited that they were allowed only once a week to leave the house and go shopping..so they had to be inventive and see what to cook with goods and foods which lost longer..and so this dish was created based on things which are in stock in every italian kitchen...
so..lets check our ability to behave like a whore..in the kitchen!!
pasta..usually they use spagetthie for this but i prefer i penne rigatte for this sinc ethe sauce gets attached better to them
then you need capers..a jar full ..the salty ones..not the thingies in vinegar..those have actually nothing to do with the real stuff
2 red onions, chopped
anchovis as much as you like
oregano, dried or fresh
olives as much as you want
sugar, a tea spoonfull
2 garlic cloves sliced into small..slices!
a red chilli pepper , two if you like it like i do
now you heat up the oil in a non-sticking pan..dont make it too hot..i know this dish known for beeing done quick..but i cook it like a sugo and let it cook very slow..
chopp the onions, garlic and the chilli and put them into the warm oil..heat up a bit..
boil for about 6 minutes until the onions get that glassy consistens..now add the chopped anchovis..stirr it all with a wooden cook spoon...
now cut the toamtos in halfs and add them into the pan..then follow oregano, olives and capers...stirr it well...
boil meanwhile the pasta in hot saltwater
add some more salt and black pepper into the pan..
thats all u usually do for this..but since i alwas like to add my own twist i add some redwine vinegar and sugar into the pan..cook some more...make it cook low until the sugo starts to be a bit thicker and get a creamy and soft constitens...
now put the pasta into a bowl..but the sauce all over it..stirr it with two spoons and pour some parmigano over it..add some basil ...perfect...:-)
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
..oh and thanx to new conections in teh publishing world p.o.-magazine is now also available in switzerland and austria...happy news :-)
Monday, July 5, 2010
so..thats rox which totally reminds me of my golden teen-times when i was a huge fan auf lauryn hill and would play her album "the misseducation of lauryn hill" all the time..
anyway...good music...so i decided spontaneous to go with mini, my cousin dirk and also minis best schoolfriend r. to the beach on sunday...i love the little city were we go to often on the weekends in summer..its about three hours from here an you have to drive from the netherlands through belgium into the netherlands again...the beach is huge and never too crowded..even on hot days you never get that "bah..people like oil sardines-feeling"....
it was minis first time on the beach because before we only went there with mini2 and he had a blast especially because i allowed him to bring his friend along...he said he had been to the beach before (6 times) but i dont believe him after i saw his reactions on the water and the sand and the fact taht water was salty..so it seems they both had a first time and it was such a great day with playing, swimming and laying in the sun eating cool grapes, melons, rucculasandwhiches and reading (dead rain by i dont know who and dark enchantment, again, by our beloved janine ashbless) while kids were running in and out of the water , spreading water everywere, burrieng their toes in the sand and feeding the seabirds with grapes and bread crumbs...actually i wrote about that place before but can not find that post right now...
sunset at the beach
the old beachhotel which i love so much since years and years
i hadnt been to the oecean for a while and so i totally had forgotten how it feels like to float there...arms spread face upwards the sky in the salty water...my eyes closed and my skin warmed by the sun ...the world fades out..i m the only living person on this planet...my mind clears..opens up...my lips a bit numb by the waters saltyness...i mean..is there anything better to get reliefed from everyday stress? to let go...i never can bring myself to shower off the salt directly there on the beach..no..i just get back in my clothes and let it dry on me...i like the ride home..sun still burning from the sky, kids sleeping in the back...shery crow on the radio...that was a good day...
the way to the beach...
mini and his friend on the beach..
then we dropped r. his mommas house and had a little lunch which includes these huge meat tomatos? garden tomatos? which i lately harvest directly from teh garden and who have the size of baby heads (sorry jo) and who were in this case filled with mince, mozarella and herbs/spices..i mean..look at these beauties..believe me that was a good day with a good ending... so..that was me..i hope your sunday was similar good...
Friday, July 2, 2010
a few days ago i recieved an email in which i was adressed as "writer DILF"...it took me a while until i realised what dilf means...that it is the male form of a word which i really really dont like..milf..only cougar is worse and i m not sure if i feel really flatter to be called a "daddy i like to f***"...i m sure the sender of the email meant it in an affectionate way but still...and..it brought me back to a thing i discussed lately with jo...sexy dads...i mean..where are they coming from? i can remeber a time when i was the sexiest and youngest dad on the playground...and while i watched the two i was a dad for i had a whole crowd of mommies who offered me muffins and lemonades and conversation...that has changed..well..maybe because the kids are too old for the playground now..but i can not help to notice that there is an army of sexy 20-45 year old very handsome and stylish dads in my area lately...i meet them in restaurants, cafes, bookshops, luna parks, museums, markets, shops, pools and...even at ikea!!! is there a new sexy dad-breeder arround? a nest somewhere?...where do they come from? and how can i become one of them again? can we be friends please?...even ricky martin is a sexy dad now..:-(..and not only that but he also wears the very same hat i was wearing last week on the museums island...well..i have to do something to rise again and climb up the latter into the sexy dad show...hands off of those mommies or i ll trow a muffin i swear!
well..while i m dumpling arround on the lower rows of dilf-ness my blog seems to rise and climb on its own ...i mean..you know my blog-insecurities...its really weird..i m a very selfconfident in real life..and in german...but here in my blog and in english i m always insecure what people think about the subjects i choose...when someone stops commenting on my blog, when a post gets only a few coments...when...when what ever..i directly feel like OMG..they hate me..they hate the subject..they will never look at my blog again...then i have a deep breath..and asure myself that i m totally stupid and that no one hates my poor little blog ( no one but the comenteer who didnt liked my hair post) and that everything is great and..well..great!
and you cna imagine i was beyond exited when i got an email today telling me that my oh so poor little blog was chosen as a 2010 BEST PICK by http://best.sexforums.com/
where i am in such great company as susie bright, alison tyler and how great..our beloved emerald:-) i mean..how cool is that? i know of course that its very cool and i m very very honored and maybe i ll grow on that base (which is a silly thing to say sincen your beautiful coments are always my base) some more blogconfidence...