Monday, February 22, 2010

memory lane: the nazi

a while ago i decided to start a memoir based series of posts...about random memories and imagies in my head..this wont be whole stories..because they arent whole in my head...
the nazi
ages ago...i was about the age of 7 or 8 there was a old nazi living in the town where i lived. even though he was a nazi he was very into my grandmother and always tried to speak to her even though she never even looked at him. i dont know his name anymore but i still can smell the booze in his breath, see the grey beard stubbles on his floppy, chalk-like skin and the bloody red bows under his eyes
he lived out of the town in an area were only indoor tennis courts and factories were as well as a wreckingyard. he lived in the middle of all this in a small prefab/ready to move in houses. he had set up the concrete tombstones of his two brothers in his front yard on the yellowish lawn. one day, i dont rember anymore how it has happened, he brought me there. there was no heating but a dirty old oven who burned on high power in the kitchen to give a bit of warmth. he showed me his porn first. silly and cheap porn. 70ies stuff. and a book which seemed to be an erotic novel...the title was something like "venus blossoms" (interesting that i dont rember his name but the books title) and he asked me if i already "did it"...he told me about he met hitler during the war or after..and how that was the most important moment in his life...he showed me his altar...with some kind of nazi thing a cross or something...a copy of mein kampf...(something else was there but my fluish head dont rembers today) all neatly presented on a kind of wooden bench..a island of clinic order in this messy house with all the beer cans...with the yellow plastic curtains...everything smelling smoky from the permanently between his fingers tucked everylasting cigarette dying his claw like splintered fingernails in nicotine yellow too...thats all i remember..that and that he wnated me to drink some beer..he often went to the bathroom...i guess i spend the whole day there but then i went away...i rember how heavy my schoolbag was...the wreckyard dog barked at me when i walked on by he went along with me, barking on his side of the fence...when i came home my legs hurted like hell from the far way back to town...and my grandmother cursed me for not coming home after school...i never told anyone that i had been there in that house...tombstones in the frontyard and also inside nothing was alive anymore..

rejection, really?

i hate rejection..i really do...especially when i m sick like a sock puppet (as shanna would say) and so it didnt better my mood when i got an email by an editor which i really really adore telling me that i m not going to be in their next book..not because of the quality of the story but about the fact that i had been in so many of their books recently and they wanna give some space to new writers...and the story will be in the next issue of that its not really a rejection because i worked a lot with them already and will again next year..but still..sigh* it made me feel crappy....kinda sad after all since i love that series of books a lot...
actually and to be honest i didnt had a rejection in a long while..i m so not used to it anymore..maybe this is a good lesson to be demure again..:-/

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


So...I m sorry I join all of you so late in this discussion. I really want to say how surprised and overwhelmed I am by the reaction and all the comments this subject has received so far. Actually I m so happy about the whole discussion that I decided to start a new blog just for the purpose of discussions on subjects like that because it reminded me on my days in berlin when I still had some kind of literary salon and would have guests every week who would come for wine and discussion. So, that’s how my new blog the absinth room came into life. This blog is meant to be a new platform for those who want to discuss so called “sensible” subjects open or anonymously (you also can guestblog anonymously about a subject which is too “racy” for your own blog) and I hope for a lot of interesting conversations there. This blog is meant to be dedicated to the discussion itself and since I don’t want it to be all about me and my opinion I also will invite guest blogger to write about subjects worth drooling, fighting and discuss about it.
So come please and visit
If you like to become a guestblogger please mail to desantiago at gmx dot de

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Private Only

so..its in really startet to snow again two days ago and it hasnt stopped since then...when i look out of my windows i almost feel like i m not in my but in sommers home because miss sommer also drowns in trhe fluffy white stuff.. news about the weather so far but great news are that po-magazin (po in german means butt..but hasnt anything to do with an actuall but sinc ethat po is short for "private only), which is a magazin for both men and women about everything sexual, sensual and erotic (naughty pictures but very well written articles), has acceptet my several pages long article "do you want a little more?" about the subject of polyamory* which will be all about living & loving more then one person at the same time..and no i m not talking orgies or groupsex neither wifeswapping or whatever...its really about love..about living with more then one partner (no matter if its a female or male one) , about beeing bond by love, living and the wish of making something meaningfull i unveil my own opinion about that subject i ask you what do you think about polyamory? did u ever loved mor ethen one person? could you imagine to be involved in that kind of relationship? dont be shy..and if you are please feel free to coment anonymously....whatever makes you feel comfortable and gives you the possibility to speak your mind...
wikipedia about polyamory:
The defining characteristic of polyamory is belief in the possibility of, and value of, multiple romantic loving relationships carried out "with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned."[3] What distinguishes polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, intense communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. Powerful intimate bonding among three or more persons may occur. Some consider polyamory to be, at its root, the generalization of romantic couple-love beyond two people into something larger and more fundamental.[4]
People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, a polyamorous lifestyle may be single or in monogamous relationships, but are often involved in multiple long term relationships such as a triad, quad, or intimate network.
In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized. Ideally they are built upon values of trust, loyalty, negotiation, and compersion, as well as rejection of jealousy, possessiveness, and restrictive cultural standards.[5] Such relationships are often more fluid than the traditional "dating-and-marriage" model of long-term relationships, and the participants in a polyamorous relationship may not have preconceptions as to its duration.
Sex is not necessarily a primary focus in polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous relationships commonly consist of groups of more than two people seeking to build a long-term future together on mutually agreeable grounds, with sex as only one aspect of their relationship.

another thing which might be interesting about polyamorous relationships is the view and the possibilities of collektive maybe you have a look at this and tell me as well what you think about it:

Polyamory and parenting
Many polyamorists have children, either within the relationship(s) or from a previous relationship. Like other elements of polyamory, the way in which children are integrated into the family structure varies widely. Some possibilities are:

Parents are primarily responsible for their own children (biological, adoptive, or step-), but other members of the relationship act as an extended family, providing assistance in child-rearing.
Adults raise children collectively, all taking equal responsibility for each child regardless of consanguinity.
Parents are wholly responsible for their own children, with other members of the relationship relating to the children as friends of the parents.
Children treat parents' partners as a form of step-parent.
The choice of structures is affected by timing: an adult who has been present throughout a child's life is likely to have a more parental relationship with that child than one who enters a relationship with people who already have a teenage child. (The issues involved often parallel those of step-parenting.) The degree of logistical and emotional involvement between the members of the relationship is also important: a close-knit triad already living under one roof with shared finances is far more likely to take a collective approach to parenting than would a larger, loose-knit group with separate living arrangements:

“ Some poly families are structured so that one parent can be home to care for the children while two or more other adults work outside the home and earn an income, thus providing a better standard of living for all concerned. More adult caretakers means more people available for child care, help with homework, and daily issues such as transportation to extracurricular activities. Children thrive on love. The more adults they have to love them who are part of the family, the happier and more well-adjusted they are. There is no evidence that growing up in a poly family is detrimental to the physical, psychological or moral well being of children. If parents are happy in their intimate relationships, it helps the family. Happy families are good for children.[44] ”

Whether children are fully informed of the nature of their parents' relationship varies, according to the above considerations and also to whether the parents are "out" to other adults.[citation needed]

In one possible case indicative of the law related to parenting and polyamory in the United States, the Pennsylvania State Supreme Court in 2006 voted 5-1 that a father in a custody case had the right to teach his child (age 13) about polygamy (and hence possibly by implication about other multiple partner relationships), and that this right

Mini-Santiago sucks...

..blood...that is! because today in germany is a carnivals day and so all kids are supposed to come all dressed up in costumes and full make up to school..which not only meant we had to disscuss what he was going to be for weeks which was pirate..oh vampire..yes pirate it is no it must be a vampire...yes vampire it off we went to the carnival shop to get him a costume..but all the vampire suits were too big since mini is a (jo..dont even think about it:-) we settled down with a huge satin cape which might be the right one for our blogland friend glimmer??..white that we today got up really early because we hadnt only the whole getting up, under the shower & having breakfast together routine but i also had to turn my mini-me from this: into that: which was a bit..uahhh because i never have glued black claws on someones hands before or sprayed ones hair black...and mini went to his dressing mirror about a hundred times to check his "eyes of dead" as he called them...then ..we were allready 10 minutes late he wanted to get pictures and i was actually surprised that he very well knew his poses as a in the end mini went off to school very happy all fangs and claws and bloody all was ym morning so was yours?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

father to son..heart to heart

i hesitatet to do this for so long but i really want to show you a pic of mini-santiago1...just because i love this little monster so much...i dont know if i ever told this story but i m not minis biological dad...i know his mother since she was 14 or 15...she worked with me at the tattoo place and we became friends..when mini was born and had no father of his own it somehow happened naturally that he became my was a long process..for years i was danielle..uncle danielle..i was there to do all the things with him who usually would do his dad..his biological father who has no interest in the blood of his blood...who has no interest in this little human who has his eyes and his nose...his biological father who walked on by without saying anything when he saw him for the last time ...back then i was allready his dad but we didnt spoke it out loud...still he had already chosen me to be his...and then one day he startet to call me daddy...and now it is like it never has been different...we spent so much time..and he asks so much...he is so alive and sometimes i feel sorry for his producer that he is misisng out on all that...

sometimes i get up at night and sneak in his room just to look at small in the big bed and it breaks my heart that his biological father dont wants to be there for him..dont want to hold him teach him how to tie his to swim...he will never cook soup for him when he is sick and never hold him close when he is afraid...he will never teach him anything or give him something he can remeber when he is grown up..its me who did/does all these things with min..i do my best to be a good teach him how to be a good and worthy human beeing...i ll do my best to grow him into a happy make him leave his fears behind and i ll try to carry him to heaven on my hands but truth is since i saw him first he has brought heaven to my mind...
sorry to illustrate this post again with a song you might not understand by xavier naidoo is one of the few german singers who really can touch me with his songs and messages...his lyrics are of such beautiful and meaningfull quality ..its wonderful...and brings out a lot what i feel for mini
the song is called "while you sleep"
i only wanna be close to you
at night while you sleep
i wanna be close to you
i m awake while you sleep
nothing needs as much protection as you do in the darkness of the world
even mercenaries i bring along
because a dark empire has surrounded us
and nothing nees as much time as protection
because protection is so hard do finde
so they dream that someone protects them
but it stays a dream
and i wanna be protection for you
by night and by day
because i am protectet by an eternal light
and it has told me
i only wanna be close to you
at night while you sleep
i wanna be close to you
i m awake while you sleep
nobody brings light into the day so dark
still you dared to be alive
because its right
still nothing needs as much protection as you do
please believe in me
angels i plea to come along
an army just to be there for you
i only wanna be close to you
at night while you sleep
i wanna be close to you
i m awake while you sleep

i did that picture of mini by night..when he was asleep and i was the darkness of his room just illuminatet by the christmaslights he has arranged along the headboard of his bed

Sunday, February 7, 2010

under my skin...once again..and for evermore...

outside the thunderstorm came down over the city..dark clouds balled up across the sky and occassional lightning and flashes teared the silence of the night apart ...her eyes wandered along the narrow streets of amsterdam and the canals beneath her window...rain poured down and washed away every sound of the streets ..of the cars and people outside...she turned around and looked at him...dark skin against the white of the hotel linen...a mess of curly hair between pillows...his long muscular legs tangled into the blankets just as he were when he felt asleep...she thought about the words he had said while he was all over her...the words he had whispered into her hair..the words he had spoken into her mouth while he kissed her...words...words had also brought her here..the words he had written to her during the long weeks ...why not meet in amsterdam..why not runaway from what was at home..why not escape and meet halfway many words he had used to discribe the things they would make pictures rise in her make her heart bloom again...she looked at him once more..reached out to touch the words under his skin...the words written across him..she knew he still wasnt hers..the words....the ghosts of his past...maybe he´d never be hers at all...

i love tattoos..i really do...years ago when i tried to live a normal life and to have a normal job i worked in my best friends tattoo shop ...thats so long ago i almost can not believe its true..if there werent still people in my life who wear my ink in their skin like for example mini-santiagos mom or a close friend of mine who has a line from a poem of mine across his back...
tattoos are wonderfull...especially word tattoos..when i meet our friend shanna she reached for my wrist and told me she d love to have a word tattoo too...i like that..everyone should wear words..everyone should become a story...a living book...because for me a tattoo isnt something what you put on your skin from outside..for me a tattoo is something which comes from inside to the oxygen underwater flies upwards toward the surface...thats how tattoos should appear on you...everybody tells a story..but some bodies tell whole books...

i wrote about my tattoos in stories...and often people ask me about their here in a tiny snipped from "subkutan"

" if i was in a relationship she asked me. no, i dont believe in relationships anymore i answered and liftet my wrist so she could see the black letters shinning through my skin. "XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX*, i translatet and took another sipp of my beer. thats heavy stuff she answered and smiled sad. yes, i nodded. i was smiling sad too "

so i m very pleased to tell you that one of my tattoos is included in a wonderful book about tattoos edited by eva talmadge and justin taylor who had the great idea to put together a book titled " THE WORD MADE FLESH" which will be published by HarperPerennial this the book will include "all kinds of literary tattoo work: quotations from your favorite writer, opening lines of novels, lines of verse, literary portraits or illustrations. From Shakespeare to Bukowski to The Little Prince in a Baobab tree"..and also my own fav tattoo and its biography..the story behind the tattoo...

*of course there isnt xxxx on my wrist but i dont wanna tell too much about it:-)

Friday, February 5, 2010

sign of life

so sorry babies..but i m just working my ass off during the last not time to play, to blog, to read, to coment or even really to eat...:-////

so forgive me that you havent read, seen& heared me during the last days..will be back soon...