Thursday, February 11, 2010

Private Only

so..its collllllld....like in really cold..it startet to snow again two days ago and it hasnt stopped since then...when i look out of my windows i almost feel like i m not in my but in sommers home because miss sommer also drowns in trhe fluffy white stuff..


anyway..no news about the weather so far but great news are that po-magazinhttp://www.pomagazin.com/leseprobe.php (po in german means butt..but hasnt anything to do with an actuall but sinc ethat po is short for "private only), which is a magazin for both men and women about everything sexual, sensual and erotic (naughty pictures but very well written articles), has acceptet my several pages long article "do you want a little more?" about the subject of polyamory* which will be all about living & loving more then one person at the same time..and no i m not talking orgies or groupsex neither wifeswapping or whatever...its really about love..about living with more then one partner (no matter if its a female or male one) , about beeing bond by love, living and the wish of making something meaningfull together...so..before i unveil my own opinion about that subject i ask you what do you think about polyamory? did u ever loved mor ethen one person? could you imagine to be involved in that kind of relationship? dont be shy..and if you are please feel free to coment anonymously....whatever makes you feel comfortable and gives you the possibility to speak your mind...
wikipedia about polyamory:
The defining characteristic of polyamory is belief in the possibility of, and value of, multiple romantic loving relationships carried out "with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned."[3] What distinguishes polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, intense communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. Powerful intimate bonding among three or more persons may occur. Some consider polyamory to be, at its root, the generalization of romantic couple-love beyond two people into something larger and more fundamental.[4]
People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, a polyamorous lifestyle may be single or in monogamous relationships, but are often involved in multiple long term relationships such as a triad, quad, or intimate network.
In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized. Ideally they are built upon values of trust, loyalty, negotiation, and compersion, as well as rejection of jealousy, possessiveness, and restrictive cultural standards.[5] Such relationships are often more fluid than the traditional "dating-and-marriage" model of long-term relationships, and the participants in a polyamorous relationship may not have preconceptions as to its duration.
Sex is not necessarily a primary focus in polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous relationships commonly consist of groups of more than two people seeking to build a long-term future together on mutually agreeable grounds, with sex as only one aspect of their relationship.

EXTENSION: POLYMORY AND CHILDCARE
another thing which might be interesting about polyamorous relationships is the view and the possibilities of collektive childcaring..so maybe you have a look at this and tell me as well what you think about it:

Polyamory and parenting
Many polyamorists have children, either within the relationship(s) or from a previous relationship. Like other elements of polyamory, the way in which children are integrated into the family structure varies widely. Some possibilities are:

Parents are primarily responsible for their own children (biological, adoptive, or step-), but other members of the relationship act as an extended family, providing assistance in child-rearing.
Adults raise children collectively, all taking equal responsibility for each child regardless of consanguinity.
Parents are wholly responsible for their own children, with other members of the relationship relating to the children as friends of the parents.
Children treat parents' partners as a form of step-parent.
The choice of structures is affected by timing: an adult who has been present throughout a child's life is likely to have a more parental relationship with that child than one who enters a relationship with people who already have a teenage child. (The issues involved often parallel those of step-parenting.) The degree of logistical and emotional involvement between the members of the relationship is also important: a close-knit triad already living under one roof with shared finances is far more likely to take a collective approach to parenting than would a larger, loose-knit group with separate living arrangements:

“ Some poly families are structured so that one parent can be home to care for the children while two or more other adults work outside the home and earn an income, thus providing a better standard of living for all concerned. More adult caretakers means more people available for child care, help with homework, and daily issues such as transportation to extracurricular activities. Children thrive on love. The more adults they have to love them who are part of the family, the happier and more well-adjusted they are. There is no evidence that growing up in a poly family is detrimental to the physical, psychological or moral well being of children. If parents are happy in their intimate relationships, it helps the family. Happy families are good for children.[44] ”

Whether children are fully informed of the nature of their parents' relationship varies, according to the above considerations and also to whether the parents are "out" to other adults.[citation needed]

In one possible case indicative of the law related to parenting and polyamory in the United States, the Pennsylvania State Supreme Court in 2006 voted 5-1 that a father in a custody case had the right to teach his child (age 13) about polygamy (and hence possibly by implication about other multiple partner relationships), and that this right

24 comments:

Jo said...

Ohhh, now that question makes sense. No, that translation isn't ever going to be clearer. Donkey salami, though, D, bwahahahaha. Who doesn't want a little more?

;)

Danielle said...

@ jo

well..you want some more too?..sure..one day when you jump off the tofu-train we will feast on donkey:-)

Jo said...

Neverrrrrrr!

Danielle said...

you you you..vegetarian!!!^^

you eat the food of my food!!!

Jo said...

See it's this sort of thing which could make me doubt the veracityof your claim that you ate vegetarian for years...

UNLESS you meant you ate vegetarians...

Janine Ashbless said...

I'm a vegetarian too ... we are everywhere!

As for polyamory. Well, yes. Easily, once you get past the obsessive "I-only-want-him-and-no-one-else-and-he's not-to-look-at anyone-else" stage of the relationship, i.e the first month or so. Which, let's face it, I'm too old for anyway.

Basically, polyamory is for mature people. I suspect it would suit me very well. As long as they all left me alone lots to get on with writing.
:-)

Anonymous said...

I'm choosing to answer anonymously, for reasons that will be obvious. Personally, I think of polyamory as an ideal, a wonderful idea, but hard to put into practice. I do love more than one. I love my husband and I love another man. Deep in my heart, it's always been so, but only recently (in the past couple of years) have I given voice to what I kept quiet. It's not been easy. MY husband cannot understand and won't talk about it. Yet, because my relationship with this other man predates him - and has always been a part of my life as a friendship - he's not made me chose.
A good thing. I don't think I could. I hold onto a dream that one day my husband might be able to open enough to hear me out and make room. Polyamory is all about the consent of ALL parties - but sometimes one party cannot and will not consent. My husband fears losing me, and there is nothing I can say to assuage his fears. Only time will show. In the meantime, I tread a fine line. I'm not getting any younger. A love that I felt years and years ago has blossomed. It has given me great joy. It makes me sad that my husband cannot openly appreciate that joy (though he does unknowingly). So, I take it moment by moment, sad that I have to hide something so important to me. And I realize that most folks in the polyamory community would consider what we are doing "cheating" (though there's been no sex - yet). That makes me sad. But I have to stay true to my heart - there is no other way. I'm not "divided" - it all feels like one to me.

Ms. Moon said...

I can barely struggle along, just loving one and being loved by him. It would be too much for me and my soul could not take it if there were more people involved. Perhaps once I could have, but no more. Not even the slightest sliver of believe I could live like that.
I am small in that regard, I suppose, but it is how I am.

Petit fleur said...

Honestly, I love the potential for having that kind of relationship. I am in love with many people... only one of which could I live with, and that is the one who I married.

I have never felt that monogamy is what we were made for originally. If you think of prehistoric man and mortality rates of offspring... it was likely that humans were much like horses, with several women per each man so that man had a greater chance of one or more of his offspring surviving to adulthood to propagate the bloodline.

I would love if these kinds of relationships were more accepted, because while I don't know if I could adjust to it myself at the ripe ole age of 47, I think there is a lot of to be said for intimate community.

Great post D. You got my wheels spinning!
Peace,
pf

Jo said...

When I was younger, and talked about people who had 'open relationships' it always seemed to me that that dynamic was more often about one person who wanted to fuck around and their partner who didn't, but wanted to keep them. And that it generally probably suited one but not the other.

I think that is still a lot of people's vision of polyamory, which is still a sort of hushed idea in mainstream life, maybe. It's the next big thing to come out of the closet, maybe.

I think the Wikki post paints a lovely picture, one I find really positive and practical. In real life, I wonder if personality and defensiveness might get in the way... as well as the challengs of everyday life and other people? I don't know, it can't be an easy path to take, but I like the idea.

I love the idea of monogamy working but it's never seemed to be that practical to me, either. Not a solution for all.

I like the idea of balancing out needs and wants... with an extra person in the relationship, it seems to me that there would be much more space for everyone's desire for closeness - and for space and freedom. In a traditional relationship, so often one person gets smothered, or pushed away. I like the idea of there being someone else to take up the slack.

I nearly had my husband sold on the idea with the promise of extra childcare alone - never thought about the added benefit of extra income!

But this does tap issues I've discussed before about the nuclear family, about the model whereby one parent stays home isolated with small children, giving up so much, while the other is exhausted by the burden of work, and misses out on so much... I like the idea of something more communal, people living in close proximity, sharing workloads, cooking and eating together, everyone looking after everyone else's kids.

I know someone who says she's lived like that and got very disillusioned, and also that she's known people who've opened their relationships and that that just never worked either - she made the comment that the men just wandered away from it and the women ended up getting hurt,which was interesting, but perhaps we need more detail to discuss it... I'll work on that :)

But again, I wonder if that situation played by the official poly standards that the wikki definition described?

I like Janine's point about mature people, I think maybe it has to dowith being comfortable enough in yourself to have less ego. There's a lot of ego in monogamy... but what about ME?

The other thing is, I'd need a big house... a bedroom each, and one for everyone. Definitely.

And hmmm... I don't know if I could do it with an extra woman as opposed to an extra man... nice in theory, but realistically...? Hmm...

Janine Ashbless said...

I think it might have to be a three-way love thing, Jo, not just two women sharing one man (or two men sharing one woman, or any other non-mutual combo). Sharing would be bound to lead to rivalry and resentment, surely. In a healthy and stable relationship, everyone would need to get some emotional value out of all the other participants.

Some sort of polyamory may be more common than we assume. Thinking back, I can remember a number of households of the previous generation (parents of friends etc) in which there were more than two adults living together. I just didn't think to wonder (nor would I dare ask!) what the sleeping arrangments were...

Jo said...

I was thinking exactly that, Janine, that everyone's parents probably knew someone whohad some sort of quiet arrangement, tolerated benignly by everyone else.

I was thinking of a three way thing, tbh, in regard to those comments, though I think relationships whereby one or other of a married couple have someone else too with their spouse's blessing also fall under the general banner?

Danielle said...

just a quick hello to all you wonderful comenteers..i m in the hamster wheel of words again working working working..so not much time but i read all those coments inbetween and will be abck later to join the discussion...love your coments so far and hope for more to come..:-)

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Anonymous said...

Well, I am gonna post again. First to say that the last anonymous comment was not written by the same anon. (me) as earlier. ;)

These past few days I've been noticing (while looking for a Valentine's Card for my husband) - how ubiquitous the whole "one and only" sentiment really is. I did eventually find one - though I'm sure the card company did not intend it to be read the way I read it. And it occurred to me that if there were actually some positive (or even neutral) portrayals - rather than the death and destruction that seems to be part and parcel of any "love triangle" story - that maybe there would be more acceptance of this.

Am looking forward to Danielle climbing off his hamster wheel and weighing in.

Jo said...

Good point anonymous.

I'm so completely interested by both your comments.

As to the last one, yes, I have the feeling that's one of the last walls that need to crumble... I've read it said that polygamy is the new homosexuality, in terms of acceptance... now that homesexuality is so accepted, thatis.

I suppose it rocks the status que a LOT, the idea. Especicially oif you subscribe to the view of marriage as social control :)

Emerald said...

Hi Danielle!

I practiced polyamory for a number of years before I met my current partner, and I would practice it again without hesitation were the opportunity to present itself. Right now my partner and I are in a monogamous relationship, and that seems fine to me. I don't feel (as I once did) compelled to "choose one or the other" and practice it exclusively.

I agree entirely with Anonymous about what I see frankly as a cultural obsession with monogamy. Not only does it seem to be considered the "default" option for romantic relationships, but just about any hint of something nonmonogamous seems written of as either not "truly" committed, involving partners who aren't really serious, or some other such nonsense that I truly find baffling.

I have felt moved to write a post about this myself for some time. Obviously it has not materialized yet, but perhaps eventually, heh. :)

Congratulations on your article being accepted, Danielle! And I do like to see the subject mentioned/discussed, to increase awareness and consideration about it as per what Anonymous mentioned that I agreed with above.

Xoxo

Anonymous said...

A lot of people confuse polyamory with polygamy (including my husband - when I first brought up the idea of polyamory with him, he recoiled because he was thinking polygamy) - they are in no way the same in my mind. Polygamy is about possession, pure and simple. And despite everything, possession is still the "default" (thanks Emerald) in relationships. Be mine, I'm yours - all those conversation hearts with those words on them.

This year for the first time, I bought TWO valentine's cards.

Sophia Valenti said...

It's all about choices and working toward your heart's desire, whether that desire be monogamy or a broader network of loving relationships. I've known people who have tried both, with various levels of success. And I've known others who keep primary relationships and, with their partners' consent, occasionally seek out lovers who fulfill them in ways their life partners don't, but that's not to say it's a negative thing. These folks simply acknowledge that their interests and desires aren't evenly matched with those of their partners, and everyone is okay with that. In fact, some are relieved not to feel the pressure of needing to be “everything” to their partners, especially as the years pass and people grow and change.

Of course, poly people are sharing more than physical intimacy. They're expanding their emotional support system as well. Platonic friendships can serve a similar purpose for the monogamous; poly is merely a different way of forging bonds and building enriching relationships. But people need to think about what they want and decide what works best for all of those involved.

Of course, that's often easier said than done. Polyamory is challenging endeavor. The potential for all of that extra joy also comes with the potential for extra heartache. It's very personal decision that needs to be carefully negotiated to be successful.

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Emerald said...

"Polyamory is challenging endeavor. The potential for all of that extra joy also comes with the potential for extra heartache."

I don't disagree with this at all, and yet it seems to me the exact same thing could be said about monogamy, but that seems so rarely acknowledged or perhaps even realized. To me it seems strange to postulate that one (or just about any relationship model) is somehow "better" than the other or "more ideal" somehow. There are many things that may be observed about polyamory, indeed, but it seems to me such things may almost universally be observed about monogamy as well. That is one area in which I feel the cultural obsession/"default" perception really pervades—as though polyamory must be defended because of its potential "difficulties," and it is as though an examination of monogamy in this context seems hardly even considered.

(Please note Sophia that I wasn't speaking to or of you personally—I just liked that line you used, and it seemed like a concise jumping off point for what I wanted to say. :))

Jo said...

But monogamy is of course, the codependent romantic ideal.

We know Snow White wasn't really with all of the dwarves...

Allegra Smith said...

I continue to practice my personal philosophy: what is right for you must feel right otherwise question your decision until you find the true answer. And even then proceed with caution.

I am too selfish, egocentric and like my solitude too much to even considering sharing myself intimately with more than one person in the love arena. Sexually or otherwise.

I believe that some people can and I admit that even while I don't understand how, I also believe they should be allowed to do as they wish with their lives without interference from the government and/or others. Adults consenting to share themselves in any way they choose is one of the rights of passage into adulthood.

Maybe because I share Beatrice Stella Tanner's belief when she said "Does it really matter what these affectionate people do-so long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses!"

Jo said...

Hummm... but then aren't we back to Ms Moon's friend who finds himself unable to hold hands with his boyfriend in public?