Monday, January 23, 2012

sometimes its hard to be a man.... least when you are a man who works in the field of literature...but..thats not the right beginning to this post..well..i dont know if its right anyway to write about this since its kinda..personal...which also sounds wrong..since everything i wrote ever about here was personal...actually i wnated to write about ketchup..80ies ketchup..that is....but now its a day later....i had a great day..had a small dinner party tonight and it was great..lovely friends...lots of wine and talk and laughter...and after they left i went to bed..switched my laptop on and logged in to msn to search for the one i usually talk to before i go to bed...a good friend...sometimes a partner in crime...someone i feel close to..just to end up in a uncomfortable..situation....

that person is someone really important in my life and today we spoke about my dinnerparty...then about poetry and somehow tangled up in a conversation about selfpublishing...which isnt my fav subject since..i just isnt...but my friend had a wonderful great and contemporary idea...for a idea that totally inflamed me..and made me so proud that the friend had come up with that idea..and i encouraged that said friend...and when she asked how she would pay the others who would work in it i said that she would pay them in giving them a room for their voice ...and she said that it sucks not to gte payd...which of course is true...every writer should be payd for his or her work..but reality is that a lot editors and companies pay not much or even nothing at all..thats just how it is...but we allways can choose if we accept ...and i told her that i totally would submid something to her project..for free....she answered...about how it would be easy for me (which it isnt not right now since i missed out on a lot work lately) and reminded me that...i m not a woman..and from there it just went downwards...into an argument about how i dislike and feel outnumbered by all the "woman only-calls for submission"..because i am...a thing the friend an di had talked about already so often..and we both agreed that it shouldnt be about gender but about talent bla bla bla...but not this time...and this anoys me on so many levels...1) this coming from her...2) the subject in generall...i hate to be outnumbered by my gender..especially becaus emost of my work is written for a female readership..and 3) annoys me beeing cross with someone who i really love lots...someone who is close to my mind and soul...and its not right...the whole thing:-(

i havent been in this kind of state for years...this kind of..i dont know..sillysadness..that kind of sadness that makes you feel both angry but also small and fragile and...unimportant...its a feeling i got from my mom a lot when i still was a teenager..and...ah maybe i shouldnt say that...but.if it feels like that ..what else should i write then?

i wish i had written about 80ies ketchup instead:-(

i just hate to be outnumbered because of my makes me sad and feel angry and if my words and my works isnt equally worth just because i happen to have a penis...and if it takes not talent but a vagina to be writer worth beeing published in certain projects/anthologies...

cut me and you ll see...i´ll bleed...just as red as you do...

goodness dramatic that sounds..i really shouldnt get caught up in arguments after i had lots of wine and limoncello...but i guess you cant choose those...

the thing annoys i said already several times..writing erotica is a total domane for women...go to your local bookshop...check the "naughty bookshelf" and you ll finde that its mainly books written by female writers....i was once called the most succsessfull male sex-columnist of germany...which made me cringe (if that is a word) because i guess i m not only the most successfull one..but also the only male sex-columnist in far as i know at least...and when i speak about that it always ends with: the men had THE ONLY VOICE for so long and now its time for the women bla bla bla...excuse me sister...but..thats..bullshit..i m tired of that..usually i m rather on the womens side but this is silly...there always have been famous, intellectual and important females who had a voice....ach...its so silly to rant about that...usually i wouldnt load all this on your shoulders...but unfortunatelly i dont have male writer friends who i couldnt annoy with this guess there is nothing more to say...aside: i really be cross with people that i love...

Monday, January 16, 2012


you might wonder what this cryptic collection of random pictures is about..but..they arent random..they actually tell the story of my monday....since a few days i have a voice chord infection..which isnt that horrible dramatic as it sounds like...BUT..i m limited to 20 sentences a day...unless i wanna harm or loose my voice guys dont know my voice..but i do..and i like to keep it...which is a bit took me already about 50 sentences to explain my dr that i can not live on 20 sentences a day...and today when i crawled out of my cave my cousin looked and said: shut already talked yesterday for 4 days...

so..i had to go out into the city today....where a random lil fat child asked me if i can! do i look like if i can breakdance!! i can break your legs i growled with my almost non existend voice...what did you sayyy? the kid looked with a blank expression..what did you say? i can not heeeear you


on i went.....and when i thought it couldnt get any worse...i passeda drunken, homeless man..who was wearung a santa hat...and he waved with his penis at if it was a flagg....while he was peeing!

and you wonder why i dont like mondays???

Sunday, January 15, 2012

instead of a long apologetic (for my absence) here i am still alive post: just some good music...hope you enjoy it

erased: sorry..had to take the video off:-(

its malias version of my babe just cares for me

ps: i <3 you..but thats old news..:-)