Tuesday, February 9, 2010

father to son..heart to heart

i hesitatet to do this for so long but i really want to show you a pic of mini-santiago1...just because i love this little monster so much...i dont know if i ever told this story but i m not minis biological dad...i know his mother since she was 14 or 15...she worked with me at the tattoo place and we became friends..when mini was born and had no father of his own it somehow happened naturally that he became my baby...it was a long process..for years i was danielle..uncle danielle..i was there to do all the things with him who usually would do his dad..his biological father who has no interest in the blood of his blood...who has no interest in this little human who has his eyes and his nose...his biological father who walked on by without saying anything when he saw him for the last time ...back then i was allready his dad but we didnt spoke it out loud...still he had already chosen me to be his...and then one day he startet to call me daddy...and now it is like it never has been different...we spent so much time..and he asks so much...he is so alive and sometimes i feel sorry for his producer that he is misisng out on all that...

sometimes i get up at night and sneak in his room just to look at him..so small in the big bed and it breaks my heart that his biological father dont wants to be there for him..dont want to hold him ..to teach him how to tie his laces...how to swim...he will never cook soup for him when he is sick and never hold him close when he is afraid...he will never teach him anything or give him something he can remeber when he is grown up..its me who did/does all these things with min..i do my best to be a good father...to teach him how to be a good and worthy human beeing...i ll do my best to grow him into a happy person..to make him leave his fears behind and i ll try to carry him to heaven on my hands but truth is since i saw him first he has brought heaven to my mind...
sorry to illustrate this post again with a song you might not understand by ear..bt xavier naidoo is one of the few german singers who really can touch me with his songs and messages...his lyrics are of such beautiful and meaningfull quality ..its wonderful...and brings out a lot what i feel for mini
the song is called "while you sleep"
i only wanna be close to you
at night while you sleep
i wanna be close to you
i m awake while you sleep
nothing needs as much protection as you do in the darkness of the world
even mercenaries i bring along
because a dark empire has surrounded us
and nothing nees as much time as protection
because protection is so hard do finde
so they dream that someone protects them
but it stays a dream
and i wanna be protection for you
by night and by day
because i am protectet by an eternal light
and it has told me
i only wanna be close to you
at night while you sleep
i wanna be close to you
i m awake while you sleep
nobody brings light into the day so dark
still you dared to be alive
because its right
still nothing needs as much protection as you do
please believe in me
angels i plea to come along
an army just to be there for you
i only wanna be close to you
at night while you sleep
i wanna be close to you
i m awake while you sleep

i did that picture of mini by night..when he was asleep and i was awake..in the darkness of his room just illuminatet by the christmaslights he has arranged along the headboard of his bed


Mwa said...

Danielle, that is beautiful. The family we choose is more of a family than the genetic kind. Your bond means more than if you "had to." I can feel your love come off the screen. And what a beautiful boy.

Geeks in Rome said...

little boys need fathers so badly and you are filling what would otherwise be a huge hole in this boy's life.

A real father is exactly what you are doing. It has nothing to do with blood but everything to do with heart.

He's adorable!! Sweet dreams little guy.

Marina said...

Beautiful, Danielle. You are a very good man. He is a very lucky boy.

Craig Sorensen said...

There are kids that do have a father at home who don't come close to the bond you have with Mini.

The other commenters put it very well, so I'll just add a hearty "I agree."

Jo said...

Exactly. You're doing such a great thing. Sweet post, Danielle..

Ms. Moon said...

Bless you both.

Petit fleur said...

I am crying at how sweet you both are together and how right. I don't understand bio parents who do not care to be part of their children's lives. It is so sad. All the answers they seek, all the joy is right there, and they miss it.

Mini Santi is beautiful. Do you think you may legally adopt him someday? It's none of my biz really, but if there ever has to be decisions made for him, seems like you should be the one to do it.

This is a beautiful post. Thank you for letting us all in a little closer. You are extraordinary.
xo pf

Danielle said...

@ mwa

thank you...yeah..maybe its stronger because its a labo of love and i dont do it because i have to..i do it because i want to...:-)

Danielle said...

@ geeks in rome

i know..i never really had a father myself...abd that hole is still big and greedy...and i dont want mini to feel like i do when he grows up..i want him to be happy

Danielle said...

thank you marina..i m really happy to have him here...

Danielle said...

thank you craig...:-) that means a lot for me

Danielle said...

@ jo..i try..i try and i try...i ll hope i do it right..:-)

Danielle said...

@ ms moon

thank you

Danielle said...

@ petit fleur

thank you..those tears are beautiful presents to me

legal adoption is allready on the plan since a while...because he wants my name and it seems to be the next naturally step...

P.S. Haven said...

From one dad to another, beautiful post, man.

Allegra Smith said...

My son was adopted at birth and used to tell him when telling him the story that I could described the pains of delivery.

I was pregnant when I initiated the adoptions papers. I had promised myself that if I ever got pregnant I would adopt a child for each one I would bring into the world. And so it was. While going through the adoption I had a miscarriage, and they asked me if I wanted to stop the adoption procedure and I said that one thing had nothing to do with the other. He came home with me when he was 2 days old. Today he is 41 years old, a handsome, beautiful human being whom I adore - and I still could speak today about the pains of delivery. I believe that the child of the heart is loved as much, if not more, than the one of the flesh. The world got something wrong, they are not the chosen ones. We are.

The ones chosen to make life a journey filled with wonders, with lessons, with music and love. So I can understand why mini Santiago took you by the hand and you are walking through life together. You have the heart he needed, he already had a body.

Blessings to a child who found his heart when he found you.

Danielle said...

@ p.s. haven

thank you..maybe beautiful because kids are the most beautiful beings we have ....:-)

Danielle said...

@ allegra

well another wonderful coment that unveils the precious soul that lives inside of you...

when i was younger i never could have imagined to adopt a child..i always wanted kids...but my own..and girls...but now i see its so unimportant if its flesh of my flesh..if its a girl or a boy...maybe that happens when the idea of having a kid turns into really wanting a kid ..not only the idela image but the real life...that where one stops to care about the gender or where the baby comes from...

Jeremy Edwards said...

You are wonderful!

Danielle said...

@ jeremy

thank you..you make me blush!:-)

Janine Ashbless said...

He's lovely and so are you.