im in a weird place of my mind lately...the last year and this have been kinda hard for me emotional wise...i have been very sick...i have new responsibilities...i decided to write and speak about things this year i never spoke about so far..mostly because of shame and angst...i also have to finish what i begann when i published my essay "subkutan" as well as another sad-crazy-wonderful thing which will get me into trouble if i dont step into the brakes now...that all mix up with a deeper hunger i feel lately...i mean..i have always been a religious/spiritual person..i believe in..love...and much more..but love is the base my spiritually is build on...and that believe has helped me through a lot dark times in my life..has given me strength when i was down...but now...i dunno..i feel a little lost lately...i used to have this strong curiosity..that sense for everything new and intense...but lately i feel weak...i m much better now then i was byend of last year..but still..i feel like there is so much stuff i dragg on..and those emotional bags are so heavy...i know i will come back to life...but right now i dont feel much liek fighting...i dont wanna ask..i wnat answers..something to marvel about..i want a sign...something i can hold on to in my dark moments...i m not lost..but i feel like i ll be lost if i dont change my life again...let go again of bad vices and habbits which destroy my body and soul...i need something to lay my hands on...a emotional shell i can put to my ear to hear the eternal heartbeat of the world inside...and somehow...i wanna get rid of old ballast..of old lugage i m schlepping arround...because its heavy on my heart..it really is...and i dont wnat that anymore...i know i ll make it...i know i ll let go..but man, i m afraid now...right in this moment i have to swallow so hard and count to ten to keep me from vanishing and being gone...thats why i cut of my hair last night..most of you didnt know that i havent cut my hair in more in a year..well jo and shanna have known...i dont know why i did it..when i dont straight my hair its a thick curly mess...a jew-fro like we do call it...a wild, bad behaving..missbehaving jungle one could loose his hands in...its almost impossible to breathe under it...and still i didnt cut it of...i kept it...just if it symbolise whats all wrong right now...and last night..after weeks and monthes of thinking about it i took the scissors...and cut it off...cutting your own hair off by night in your bathroom..with a scissor is a scary thing...tars clouded up my eyes and when i did made the first cut i didnt cut only the first curl but the steel of the scissor also cut my hand..blood tears and curl felt into the bathroom sink...and even though i felt suddenly sick and nouseas..i kept on cutting..i cut and cut and the sink filled with my hair and the more cut of the more i could see myself again...the more i could breathe again...the more i came back to life...and today..i woke up with my light and vulnerable head...someone i really really like a lot lately emailed me "...because i m so brand new" she wrote that about herself and her own situation...and thats where i wanna go back to..to the moment long ago when i for the first time went through something like this and then felt brand new again...i ll come back to life..i ll promise...i ll come back to new adventures...i ll find things and persons to marvel on...i ll look at you...i ll love you..but you...will you be there and hold my hand when it gets hard and ugly? will u be there when i come back from the dark side of the moon?...i ll burried my hands deep in my own hair last night...and it was like the last year with all its sickness and struggle..all that old energy came off this mass of hair..and i knew..i ll be back...will u be there?
14 comments:
Oh Danielle- your haircut was so much more traumatic than mine. I am so sorry it had to be so but I think that when we do something dramatic like cutting off long hair, we are longing for change- at least in some instances- and that is the fastest way we can think of.
I know that there will be someone for your lonely heart. I know this. Change is so hard but it can be the best thing. I have faith that you will make good changes and you will have a clearer heart and someone will love that heart so much. And you will love them back.
ms moon...as always..ach..you know what i wnat to say...:-)and i know that you are one of those who will be there and have an open ear for me and hold my hand when i m on my way through those changes...
its not so much about love...but..i need to finde something i have lost so long ago..i need to get my mojo..my groove back...this all will heal i know...and my hair will grow back...yours will too...
What a post! I have those exact same curls, and I remember the feeling of having them all shaved off for a mohican/baldness and the liberation of it! I hope it helps you on your way, or that it is a symbol that you are already going where you want to be going.
I don't know if that's what you meant, but I will be back to read how you're doing so you're not alone online at least.
x
I cried for that gorgeous hair. That's all I can say.
Dear Danielle,
I had no idea you were having such a rough time. Well, outside of being sick recently.
Your hair is a lovely mess. It's beautiful, and yet I can see how it would be hard to tame and to care for. I had a less dramatic, but still intense hair cutting episode shortly after I had Harley and I was diagnosed with Lyme and I was scared out of my mind about what might be up the road for all of us.
Please know that you can email me anytime. I love you dearly and am happy to listen if you want or need an to talk to someone who is outside of your normal life.
Something I find helpful when I am in transitional distress is to make a ritual or ceremony to honor it/me. Sometimes I just make it simple like writing down my intentions about things I need to change on piece of paper and burn it, releasing my message to the Great Spirit...
Good luck Danielle. I am here.
Peace and blessings,
pf
Hi, Danielle. I'm so sorry it's such a difficult and scary time for you. I know you'll find your way out—you have great inner strength, my friend.
Beautiful, heartwrenching post, but full of hope really and light. Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad you feel new. You are new every moment. Each now is new.
ah shit dan. I can t go away for a week? Back soon, babe. Take care. Slow it down.
ah mwa..i m glad you can relate to the feeling of getting rid of..well hair..and its symbolism..
and yes..thats what i meant:-)
@ robin
aww..:-) dont cry..its just hair..it will grow back:-)
petit fleur..that was a beutiful coment..thank you for that as well as for the compassion..:-)especially now that you go yourself through a hard time..i even apreciate it more so..
thank you jeremy..
its not so bad..its just..i dont know..will post more soon to make it clearer...
thank you bethany...and indeed..we become new every moment!
see jo..me..alone..with a scissor..sigh*
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