lay your hands on me

i dont wanna speak about goals because goal always sounds so,,,i dont know...there are just more positiv sounding words..like wish or plan...i gave up having goals years ago..because they put so much preassure on me..and i was all year long busy chasing goals...so i gave that up..and replaced that by making plans..or even less...during the last years it was more like i knew what i wanted to do and..just did it..worked on it without preassure and made it..or not..sometimes i struggle..and stumble...but then you are there...offering your hands...and somehow thats all what i need ..a little help of my family and my friends..and i ll dust myself up..and try again..make new plans and make them coming true...
each year on my birthday my family and i drive into the countryside and bring so called sky lampions...we write our wishes on them...well..thats not true..my family writes their wishes..i ..secretly write down what i wish for them...because i believe that this energy..the good things someone else, who loves you and wishes for you is much stronger then the things you wish for yourself...we light the candles inside..hold them lampions until the warm air fills them up an dlet them go..make them rise over the water of the nightly lake...we let them rise and take our wishes along...and maybe a little bit of ourself along too...the picnic we just had..the warm summer air..the taste of wine and kisses on our lips...the kids who jump up exited because of the rising fire across the nightly sky...the sounds of the woods...the trees swaying back and forth so slowly that you barely see it but hear it...and you sit down close to the waters edge...and you feel both full and empty at one time..and you see your wishes rise up skywards...wishes and prayers..thats the closest we can get to heaven while we are down here working on our lifes and plans...the luckiest of us dont have to do that alone..the luckiest of us build their life with many hands not just their own...this year was hard for many of our friends...a lot changes came ..good and bad ones too....had you help?
i really hope you did..and when you faced the darkness i hope i was a good friend and gave you some solace..a word..a smile or a shoulder..i hope i reached out and offered my hand to you and helped you to get up again...and if i wasnt there i hope someone else were...i hope someone else gave you reason and sense...made you see again ...and thats what i wish for all of us for the next year too...the strengths to keep on working on our plans no matter what it is we are wishing for...dont let us leave each other ion darkness...if someone is close by ..and life is getting him down...offer your hand...and if i am that one..washed away by life..when my heaven crushes down on me...please give me a word..a smile..lay your hands on me when i fall down and lift me from the shadows...help me to keep my head above the water...help me to turn this car around..help me run or swim for my life..help me getting back on my feet..back on my way...just..lay your hands on me until i breathe again
and if that coming year is full of summer moons,full of cloudles skies, laughter and picnics, if all goes well...if i m rising each day higher and higher...if everything goes all well...when laughter runs from my lips like pearls and seashells...please..be there too..gimme your hand so we can share those moments too...because where is the sense in it..when i m happy and you arent there?

i dont wanna speak about goals..and i dont wanna speak about my own wishes...tell me about yours..tell me what you wish for yourself and for those you love...offer a hand...reach out ....and unveil love

i just been told that this sentence:
Sex mit Britney dank CIA-Routenplaner: Porno-Lesben mit Schweinegrippe kastrieren blutjunge Hitler-Aliens in Tokio Hotel

will make your blog appear way more often at google searches..so..lets see if that works..:-)

it´s christmas..again? really?

gah..couldt it really be christmas eve again? since days i wanna post about visits in christmas houses, extraordinary christmasmarkets in grottos, about mini-santiagos first own christmas-tree and about my cookie madness...but i ..dont have teh time..i mean it..i wanna post...but i m just baking and cooking and decorating..to say it with my sister jades words: i behave like martha steward on crack...so..i m since 5 o clock this morning..shopping, cleaning, cooking and all...

but i promise..i ll soon write and post and show you pics...
so meanwhile..i wish all of you my readers and my blog land crew and fellow smut writers a merry christmas...and entertain you with versions of my favorite christmas song...

for ms moon

ms moon asked me to post pictures of the snow because she has non up in lloyd, florida..so thats what i do..it snows since two days in a row..its freezing cold ..the wind bites through scrafs and gloves and even through mini-santiagos santa hat...so i dont wanna go out today since inside its all cozy and warm and we still bake cookies and mini-santiago decorates his first own christmas tree in his room....and since i dont wanna go out i only show you what i see from my windows and balkony:-)

if you plan to visit MWA...

next year for her potentially great "bloggers of the low countries unite-meet up"...http://mwaonline.blogspot.com/2009/12/low-country-bloggers-unite-or-not.html you better behave nice to the old belgian people you meet along..especially towards the old people who have been trained at the senior self defence academy (http://www.senior-self-defence-academy.be/) these seniors literally kick ass...:-)

i totally love this add..i mean c´mon..show some love and respeckt to our grannies and grandpas..you better do..:-)

for more informations about the low countries blogger unite thingie you can check for that mwas blog at http://mwaonline.blogspot.com/ but be carefull..dont get lost in translation...

its here...its beautiful

play me while reading

the postman didnt ringed twice he didnt ringed at all but when i yesterday checked my mailbox i found a big envelope from the brauns who are the wonderful owners of feigenblat magazine...so there it was (along with a pretty vintage postcard: no, thats not the g-spot)..black on white..my life..written with heartblood spread over several pages ....what can i say? the magazine, one if not THE leading german magazine in erotica , is beautifuly edited as always ...great pieces by both known and new writers along with toy-presentations, book- and art-reviews, poetry, essays and seductive picture-editorials....and after reading through it one more time i finally calmed down the storm who was haunting my waterglass during the last days...i dont say i m over it but i guess this will be the last post in which i bother you my dear blogland crew with "subkutan"..i dont know if i ll get all woriied again about it...this story isnt off my mind yet...but i have to move on from that...my bags are much to heavy by now...so i have to let it go...this is my ghost of the former christmas...and i have to change something and move on...i better stop before i go and break my heart...again...

so thank you..lots for suporting me with warm and thoughtful coments and advices when i needed them...

by the way..the dedication under the title means : for x..if x wants it.....

because thats what it is...if you read this..its not only my story but yours too..its us...its whats left of us...

did you...

play me while reading

just a couple more days to go until the new issue of "das feigenblatt" hits the stores...this issue includes my essay "subkutan"...which is all about how i found the love of my life..and lost it again...its not fictional...its real...its also about how i handled the situation afterwards..so..i m a bit scared..i m happy this will be published because i hope it will be like some kind of exorcism...that it will help me to let go..but on the other hand..i m afraid to show the world my naked soul...i m afraid to be judged for what i have done...maybe that fear was encouraged too by this conversation i had with my very best friend:

me: duh..i m really a bit worried about the release of subkutan..
dirk: why?
me: because...its ...i m afraid of getting judged...
dirk: why? i m sure its a beautiful essay and that you put your heart blood in it...why should people judge you for your relationship?
me: well..not exactly for the relationship but for what i ve done...
dirk: what do you mean?
me: well..the things i did after x and me broke up...
dirk: you wrote about that too? are you nuts???????

so you see..i might have reasons to be worried...


i also think a lot about my former lover x...about how we were..about how it all went off hands..the many things we planed..things which will never happen...things i wanted to say ..long before things went bad..but didnt say because of stupid reasons...


did you ever told someone you love her or him?
did you ever said: i need you.
did you ever said: you have changed me and my life
did you ever say: you made me a better person
did you ever said: i wanna spend my life with you


if you have the chance to feel these words..if you have the chance to say them..then do it..dont hesitate..dont be afraid....say it......dont think about it....change your life



hm..even though i m still worried about the readers reaktions..i already like the cover of the new feigenblatt-issue

the hottest sex books 2009..are...hot!

just recieved an email from a very kind reader who informed me in her email that the famous as well as kick-ass cool violet blue published a list of her personal book highlights of 2009 in her column for the san francisco chronicle...

the list indeed is a who is who of the best and most awsome names in erotica writing and surely highlights a bunch of really steamy books which are good reads as well as sexy as hell...number one is alison tylers anthology "playing with fire" and that number one is more then deserved ..i actually love everything about that book..the cover...and of course every single story in it...

but lets jump back to number 6..which are two coming out books..one of them is sacchi greens anthology "girlcrazy:coming out erotica" and includes my story "i´ve been around the block.three times,maybe four"...i so love that book..and so love sacchi green for working with me...and of course violet blue for putting it on her list...that really made my day...ach..my month!

if you wanna check violets whole list jump over to:http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2009/12/10/violetblue1210.DTL

ps: congrats to all my blog land friends and fellow smut writers included in one or another project on this list...

ha...you made me jump with joy

you know i ma writer..i write..stories..columns..books..all day long..yes..er*..no..i dont ..not recently..recently i ll have breaks ..breaks which i use to chat with my blogland crush...and because i love you all so much i just want let you have part in this and enjoy our intellectual and adult/mature conversations.....
me: brb have to drink something
bloglandcrush: no whiskey!
bloglandcrush: smelly alert back in a sex
shit!!
sec! A second!
me: are you there? or still busy with that sex??
bloglandcrush: agh
shut up
me: yes?
bloglandcrush: I@m back
sex-free
me: you know that i just copied that heh?
bloglandcrush: which?
me: about the sex
bloglandcrush: same mistake
me: i ll use that in a post about my blog land crush
bloglandcrush: !
me: i simply have to..!!!!
bloglandcrush: noooooo
I make that mistake all the time..
me: yes..back in a sex..i mean..thats an instant classic!
bloglandcrush: a freudian slit
me: slit eh?
bloglandcrush: x and c are very close together

ps: nicknames, age , bra-size and other important details have been changed by the editor to save the innocent*

thank you for being a friend...

textmessages again..this time with a real good friend of mine

me: ahhrg*..i m going to hell...
friend: wait...i ll come with you...

thats the kind of friend everyone should have...:-)

what a day what a day

gosh today really was a tour de force...i had to go see the dentist with mini-santiago because he had to get 4 (in words four) primary/ milk teeth removed as well as his labial frenulum...the whole procedure under general anestethic...so we spend a long time there and mini-santiago didnt really feel like waking up, walking or talking after the whole thing..so i had to carry the poor thing home..and let me tell you a seven year old after a general anest. feels as double as heavy as before..so i brought mini-santiago home..cramed him into bed and stayed with him rubbing his belly until he could go back to sleep...then i worked on an essay and a column about porn for women which i still didnt finished and had a bit of daydreaming with my blog land crush about running away and having a place with a beach and margerithas and martinis and her running seductive up and down the beach while i work on my book...then mini-santiago woke up again and demanded more attention and finally food since he wasnt allowed to eat before the operation so i gave him arnika water and cooked him a soup right before i made him go back to bed and let him listen to a radio play until he slept again so i could write some more...then it was about time to do some more cooking (honestly it wasnt but i needed a break from my essay and cooking and drinking always puts me in a good mood..while i cooked i listened over and over again to my new fav. song by sade because sade is always great to put me in a sexy relaxed and flirty mood...

so..now you might wanna know what i cooked...i did a noodle salad with chicken, peaches, cellery and a curry-joghurt dressing as well as roast potatoes with tomatos, garlic, red onions,feta and rucola/ rocket salad..i know it dont looks good on the pics but its really tasty ..especially on a foogy and rather cold/wet day were you wanna stay in and eat something hearty...



maybe you havent cooked yet because you are one of my readers and blog land friends from far away and live in another time zone..so if you are up for something like that here comes the recipe

noodle salad with cellery and chicken
you need:
choose a type of pasta you like (i prever conchiglie for this salad but you can also do it with rigattoni for example)...
salt
2 spoons of oliveoil
150 gramms of chicken breast
black pepper
150gramms of cellery
2 peaches..i always take 3 or 4 but thats because i love peaches a lot
180 gramms of very creamy plain joghurt
4 teaspoons of curry powder
sugar
30 gramms of roasted sesame

so..boil the pasta in salt water..please..al dente!! dont cook the pasta until its fucking dead like most people do it in germany which actually makes me cry on the kitchenfloor...so cook it and when its done and you decant it save 5 spoon full of the cooking water

now cut the chicken breast in little pieces and heat the olive oil in a pan...roast the chicken well and put pepper and salt on it..i like to add some pepper de paris over it which gives the a very nice taste...put the chicken to the side and let it cool down a bit

now cut the cellery into small pieces as well as the peaches..skin them off ( which is a work which i really dont like but the taste is totally worth it) and cut them into small pieces...mix them in a bowl with the chicken breast pieces and the pasta

now mix the joghurt with salt, pepper, sugar after your gusto and the cooking water you saved aside...whisk it very well..add the sesame and put it all over the chicken sellery peach mix...stir it very well and let it lie still for about 10 minutes


now the roastet potatos
you need
as much allready cooked potatos as you want to
1-2 garlic clove
2-3 red onions..i love these onions because of their mild, almost sweet taste
4 tomatos
some rucola/rocket salat
4 eating spoons of olive oil
salt
pepper
150 gramms of feta

first cut the potatos in pieces..the peel the garlic as well as the onions and cut them into small pieces too..now take the tomatos..cut out the green part of them because its not so healthy to eat it..then cut out the watery/seexy inside and cut the tomatos by now into small pieces too, now wash the rocked salad, clean it, and dry it

heat the oil up in a pan and roast the tomatos for about 5-7 minutes ..put them in a bowl and put the pan back on the oven...add some more olive oil and
roast now the garlic and the onions (you can add some bacon too)spice the potatos meanwhile with salt and pepper and add then the garlic and the onions to the potatos in the bowl..add now the tomatos as well as the rocket salads..stir it all very well and crumble the feta all over it...serve the whole thing aside the salad with a glas of red wine or a cold bear...arg*..beer?..i menat beer yes!

so..thats that..i hope you like the whole thing...if my wonderful friends jo or neve had joined me for dinner i had replaced the chicken by champignons or spicy tofu..as well as i had left out the bacon (even so i always use turkey bacon since i dont eat pork)...if you try the recipes just tell me how you liked them..

sms from outerspace

do you have this kind of friends too? that kind which sends you naughty sms allways wanting something from you and ask you horrible intimate things?

today i had this sms conversation:

friend: dude..can you borrow me some lube?????like..right about now?

me: err*..no?!?

friend: allright then..doesent matter...then i ll just take a running-jump!

The Gashlycrumb Tinies

i know i know the video was cute..but it really went on my nerves...so i had to give it a time out and load up something different...less commercial but more what i like today: dead children..yaye! i think they are wonderfully done and i also love the book...so here they are: gashlycrumb tienies

actually i love all of edward goreys books and i rember when i got them as a kid from my mom ..the delightfull terror which got all over me and when i laid in bed at night and thought of the children dying their undignified somewhat victorian deads...ah.. sweet terror of mine..:-)

back into life

...so now i m back on my two feet since about 2 or 3 days...and what can i say? i really have a hard time to finde back into my all-day/every-day life...everything kinda feels surreal and forreign and i still feel that damned swine flu in my bones...

the biggest problem is the fact that i was suffering from heavy fever dreams and hallucinations while i was sick...heavy stuff..about my grandparents relatives in concentration camps...about really weird stuff...and now i m back on track to be well again its hard for me to realice what was true and what isnt...actually its really simple: nothing was true....but its actually kinda hard for me to realice that nothing has changed while i was sick because everything feels strange and foreign and it feels like things have changed..i know i sound like a fool but thats the truth..that right now everything feels arteficial...:-/