just a couple more days to go until the new issue of "das feigenblatt" hits the stores...this issue includes my essay "subkutan"...which is all about how i found the love of my life..and lost it again...its not fictional...its real...its also about how i handled the situation afterwards..so..i m a bit scared..i m happy this will be published because i hope it will be like some kind of exorcism...that it will help me to let go..but on the other hand..i m afraid to show the world my naked soul...i m afraid to be judged for what i have done...maybe that fear was encouraged too by this conversation i had with my very best friend:
me: duh..i m really a bit worried about the release of subkutan..
dirk: why?
me: because...its ...i m afraid of getting judged...
dirk: why? i m sure its a beautiful essay and that you put your heart blood in it...why should people judge you for your relationship?
me: well..not exactly for the relationship but for what i ve done...
dirk: what do you mean?
me: well..the things i did after x and me broke up...
dirk: you wrote about that too? are you nuts???????
so you see..i might have reasons to be worried...
i also think a lot about my former lover x...about how we were..about how it all went off hands..the many things we planed..things which will never happen...things i wanted to say ..long before things went bad..but didnt say because of stupid reasons...
did you ever told someone you love her or him?
did you ever said: i need you.
did you ever said: you have changed me and my life
did you ever say: you made me a better person
did you ever said: i wanna spend my life with you
if you have the chance to feel these words..if you have the chance to say them..then do it..dont hesitate..dont be afraid....say it......dont think about it....change your life
hm..even though i m still worried about the readers reaktions..i already like the cover of the new feigenblatt-issue
12 comments:
I say those words almost every day to Mr. Moon. He says them back. We are lucky.
I know you are worried but hell- it's done. All of it. And yes, perhaps it will exorcise the demons. I think it is a writer's greatest blessing and burden to feel compelled to write about things that really matter. And that's what you have done. It'll be okay. I'm proud of you.
Is this a non-fiction publication? What I am thinking is that nobody need know that the story is true unless you tell them so... or they were "there" and already know it.
My guess is, that there is a good chance that the judgie types will not be reading this book. You may have more in common with your readers than you are able to know for now.
That said, I do get why you would be apprehensive or even panicked. Have you read the other stories in the book? Perhaps you'll find that the other stories pack a soul bearing punch as well..? Or maybe call someone you know who has put themselves out there like that before and ask them to sip wine with you and talk you down...
I'm curious now... could it possibly be any worse than my own misguided train wreck of a youth? Hang in there!
xo pf
Like Ms. Moon, I am blessed to have a relationship where we have said all these things to each other for many, many years.
I think some of the fears you are dealing with relate to the confronting of this past experience. I think the most important thing is that you are reaching out and being honest; this will likely resonate with some readers who will need this message.
I believe all will turn out for the best.
I for one admire you for being honest. Do you think I could get that magazine in Belgium? My German could use some work. ;-) No, seriously - I would love to read it because I'm sure it's going to be very thoughtful.
Craig is clever :)
@ ms moon
its wonderful what you and msiter moon have..:-)
we will see what will happen to the essay..the critics..me...it ll be all good hopefully...
@ petit fleur
well..everyone who reads will know..foremost because of the names and also because its declaretet as an essay...
plus "feigenblatt" is a very important magazine in germany..and gets reviewd a lot ..so...we will see about the judgie crew...
no..i didnt read the other essays and stories yet..but accoarding to the titles they go into a totally different direction...
i have no clue..maybe we shared a seat in that train wreck....
@ craig
yes, you have a beautiful relationship too..your love to your wife shines through so often...:-)
and..i hope you are right..that it ll b eturning out the best way possibel...
@ jo
yes he is..:-))))
@ mwa
you speak german? how cool is that...?..and its a bit scary too:-)
but i surely would love you to read my piece...well i will love it as soon as i m over the whole thing and calmed down:-)
i dont know if you get the magazine in belgium but you can easily order it on the net at:
http://www.feigenblatt-magazin.de/feigenblog/bestellen
its the feigenblatt-issue number 18...
so..thank you for comenting and suporting and please let me know what you think about subkutan..:-)
Ha! Would have been lovely to share a seat with you... but I think I'd have noticed!
More like you were on the westbound and me the eastbound... Same crash, different trains!
I hope all great stuff comes out of this for you and the minis.
xo pf
Just wait and see, D.
Deal with it as and when and if it comes, don't anticipate it now?
That's my cowboy :)
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